Death Lessons

IMG_0964

Death keeps teaching me so many lessons…. I wonder if it is one of the greatest teachers… There are so many facets to it… The absence of a loved one… The heartache and knowledge that they’re never coming back… ever…

And then there’s the people who come in and try to fill the gaps… The strange friendships that are made in between… The ones you realize aren’t there for you in the hardest times, though you were there for them in their roughest…. And then those that are like angels in disguise… Always checking in everyday to just be, well a good friend…

And then death has taught me that having things, caring about our “first world problems,” and keeping our focus on what’s going on in the world around us… well it’s dumb… It’s not significant…

What’s becoming increasingly significant to me is the fact that I only get to live once… One go around in this world… In this life… Sure maybe reincarnation exists… But it doesn’t matter to me in this moment because I only get to send these moments in this lifetime… And this lifetime is so very short…

And I don’t know what’s next for me in life… I don’t know how I will get there and who will journey with me… But death is teaching me that, in this short life, it’s important to travel with all of me… To live out and journey through my story…

Everyone has a story they are creating… But sometimes we aren’t brave enough, confident enough or bold enough to allow our story to be enough… We are too concerned with others stories… I am so guilty of this…

So guilty, yet so encouraged to continue to allow my story to be told as I live each and every day to it’s fullest… and maybe I won’t always get it right and maybe I’ll hurt some people a long the way out of jealously, anger and pride… But in the end I’m living…

I’m getting to do more than my dad can do… I’m alive…

But then maybe he’s more alive than me right now… Maybe he’s more conscious and present than me too…

And though I don’t really know the answers I do know that this thing called death is hard too… That my family is hurting in ways I’ve never seen them hurt before… That the surface looks okay… But deep down it’s pain no one can really heal… Only try and comfort…. Try and emphasize and show compassion…

And it’s also amazing to see how strong my mom is in the midst of all of this… I know she doesn’t feel strong… I know she’s tired and weary and ready to die some days… But she continues to live… Even with the fact that she has to find a new life now… Outside of dad….

I think that breaks my heart the most… I feel like I’m trying to find a new life here in Cali… But mom is really trying to find a new life… She’s really the one that is going to have to start new and fresh… And I believe that mom can teach me lessons here… Because she’s pretty phenomenal… And she doesn’t experience the fear of new things like I do…

So death… all that it is… All that I’ve experienced and have yet to experience… Well I kind of consider it a friend in this strange way because it’s pretty amazing to me… There’s nothing like the knowledge and fact that someone I loved and held so dear to my heart is gone because of death… And so I guess I’ll continue to allow him to teach me… To teach me and show why living is so very precious….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s