Just Walk

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Faith… That’s what I need… It’s what I need a long with peace…

And after a phone call with mom night before last it’s even clearer to see it’s what all three of us need right now…

For different reasons… In different areas of life… For different purposes… For new beginnings… For foundations… For what we hope for but certainly do not see yet…

And I feel like in the midst of life… Over the last year and a half… I’ve really, truly missed things I needed…

And now I see how being so far away from home…. So far from everything I know… Well it causes me to have to cultivate a heart of faithfulness… Because if I don’t I will find myself where most people are…. Confused and out of focus….

And I don’t want to be that way at all… And then I look at the story that’s being built right in front of my eyes…

This morning God asked me to just walk through it…. Not whine complain…. Not run… Not limp or drag myself…. Not even have others carry me (because I’ve done this before)…. But just simply walk…

To walk quietly… Without making a scene… To have faith in what I know in my heart that I want but to not freak out because I don’t see it becoming a reality with my small-mindedness…

So I guess I’ll walk God because right now…. Right now it’s what I can do… right now I believe that simply walking through maybe one of the most life altering moments in life is all I have…

And while it may be easy to walk…. It’s not easy to think about the grief that continues to pop up….

Just this morning I thought about the fact that I watched my dad die…. I don’t know what that’s done to me… But I can’t ever seem to get it out of my mind….

And a moment like that makes walking a little stranger because I realize I can’t control where I’m really going… I’m a controller…. I couldn’t control death… Or really even prepare for it….

My words were “I can’t do death. I can do a lot, but not death”…. And now I find myself doing death….

It also helps me realize how real mortality is… that we don’t live forever… and that we can be over with so quickly….

And if I don’t choose to become a woman of faith…. well in so many ways, it’s a waste of life… because without faith… without believing I can get to the next point in life, even know I can’t see it…. well my life won’t become the everything it’s meant to be…. so I guess I’ll just walk God…

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