New Normal

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I feel guilty… guilty because dad’s been dead for 5 months and I let the day slip by me without remembering….

November 2nd came and went…. and it wasn’t until the end of the day that I remembered… it wasn’t until I was sitting around a table at a coffee shop with others that I remembered that it’s been 5 months… and then I felt bad…

I haven’t forgotten dad… I haven’t forgotten him at all… I think about him everyday… but I did forget about him on that day and in that time…

And people told me that I would forget… that days, weeks and months add up… that life goes on and moves forward… that you don’t forget them…. but you begin to forget the tragedy of it all…

And honestly, I have begun to forget the tragedy of it all… It’s sunk in that dad’s gone… that life has become a new normal without him here… because the phone calls stop… and the thoughts of “hey, I should call dad and tell him” have stopped too… they’ve passed away with him… it just seems like they took a little longer to go…

Now the holiday season is here… thanksgiving is quickly approaching and I don’t know what it’s going to be like at all… I hope that it’s good… but deep down I know it will be sad… I know the absence will be great… and for that…. for the sake of absence… well…. it feels unknown….

I don’t know what the holidays will be like without dad… he always makes them fun and exciting for us… all of us… he’s always thinking of others and in the last few years he’s been wanting to give everyone we come into contact with something… just because he can and he wants too…

But in the midst of the lack… in the midst of the pain… in the midst of a new normal… I still feel good about life… I still feel positive and like I’m moving in the best direction for me….

And God continues to give me everything I need…. even though I feel so undeserving… And he continues to show me so many new things….

And in the absence of my father… well I’m beginning to feel like God is my father…. for the first time ever I feel him treating me like a father does…. in just reminding me that he loves me… my dad was so good at telling me that… and I’ve missed it so much….

And I know God will never be able to replace my dad… he’ll never be able to be my dad… but he’ll do his very best to fill in every space that needs filled… and I’m confident that he’ll continue to love me and watch out for me…

And right now… in this moment… well that’s exactly what I need… just a father… who loves and protects me…

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