The Provider

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Yesterday I starred thinking about the Yarbrough house…. the house I lived in for 16 years… the house my parents lived in for 20 years… the area of Shreveport we lived in before dad really got his business off the ground… the places where I spent my childhood.. and advantages I had in being so close to my grandparents house…. I could ride my bike there….

In the midst of those thoughts I began to think about the struggles my parents went through… the arguments they had… the misunderstandings I had… How could they be married if they argued so much?… How could they really, truly love each other?…

And then I thought about how hard my parents worked so that my sister and I could have a good life… My dad probably wasn’t trying… but he became a great homebuilder in the midst of providing for his family….

It’s funny and at the same time really sad…. but I feel like I am learning the greatest lessons from my father now that he’s dead… Now that he’s gone, I’m actually able to look at his life…. I never took the time to do that before…. I’ve always been so selfish and focused on me, my emotions and my problems with life…

But I continue to see who my dad was and it inspires me so much… And the thoughts I have of him lately are “gosh he was an excellent provider.”

But really the man never let us go without… He always made a way and provided for his family… And when we wanted to go on vacations, participate in activities or even have certain gifts for Christmas… well he made a way…

And I’ve never thought about provision until lately… I’ve never thought about what an honor it must be to provide for your family…. to make sure they are all taken care of… and I’m sure it can be a burden at many times… I know it was a burden for my dad…

But he always made a way… He almost always said yes… and if he didn’t say yes… well I asked mom, who I knew could talk dad into saying yes…

And in the midst of thinking about him providing… I felt ashamed that I never really truly thanked him for it… I’m not a grateful person… It’s something I am working on…. And so I feel ashamed that I wasn’t able to truly see how amazing he was when he was alive…

I took him and what he did for granted…. He always said “ya’ll don’t appreciate me or even care about what I do.” And although I denied it… it was the truth and he knew it so well… Now I wish… I wish with everything in me that I could express how grateful I am for him…

It took a conversation with someone at work to help me realize that dad has given me so much… Because of him, I have really good credit… He put my car and other things in my name and then paid for them in full… And today I am able to build on that credit because I pay things off on time…. Those are things he taught me…. things that I took for granted…

I have to call other people today so they can provide answers for me… I’m so used to calling dad… but now I find myself calling uncles, friends, co-workers… even mom…. mostly mom… and it does hurt… it hurts to know that I can’t pick up the phone and have him provide me with an answer….

I actually miss that provision way more… the provision of answers from him when I needed them the most…. And I’m working on allowing God to be the person I go too…. I’m working on asking him the things I’d ask my father…. And God does answer me… but it’s still not the same….

It’s funny what God told me the other day… “it’ll never be the same Amanda. I’m not your dad. I can’t replace him. I can’t be your dad. I can be like him, but I can never be him.” And I think that honesty, that truth, that amazing amount of vulnerability from God is one of the reasons I love him the most…

Because he knows as well as I do that no one will ever replace my father…. he knows that he can provide for me in so many different ways… but he can’t be the tangible man I called dad…. And you know what… that’s ok… I’m grateful that I was able to someone in my life that makes missing so challenging… I am grateful that no one can replace him… not even God….

And I am also grateful that God is willing to fill in the pieces and help provide for me… To help provide with answers and resources and just conversation…. And although it will never be the same… I am grateful for the lesson of provision from my father…

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