The Holidays are Coming…

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It’s an overwhelming thought to think…. the one that includes my mom having to sort through her life….

Knowing that she shouldn’t have to do this…. knowing that if dad were alive this wouldn’t be happening…. knowing that life changed so quickly 6 months ago….

And ever since dad’s been gone… well… everything has changed… and if it hasn’t changed yet… it will change soon….

And I hate that…. I hate that mom is depressed…. I hate that she has to think about moving on with her life… about where she will go… what she will do… who she will be….

Starting over can’t be fun…. I’ve heard my family tell stories of life after my grandfather died….. but I never understood what it must’ve been like for my mom, aug, uncle and grandmother…. to have someone exit your life forever…. and then to start over….

My mom is in a sucky situation…. I can’t lie to myself about that…. and yes… yes life will bring her goodness and happiness and joy again… honestly, I hope she finds so much happiness and love in this world…. all I want to do is make sure she’s taken care of…. but even within that… well what will she do with her life now?…

These are questions you never think you’ll have to ask yourself…. I know mom never thought dad would die so young… to leave her so young and so unprepared for the rest of life…. but it’s reality….

In reality, I’ll go home for Thanksgiving on Sunday…. I’ll go home for the first time in months…. I’ll go home for the first time to spend a holiday without my dad there… and I’m sure it’s going to have moments of pain…. and moments of laughter…

And I don’t know how you really prepare for something like this… I don’t think you can prepare for it either… I think it kind of has it’s own way of happening…. because whether I like it or not…. dad won’t be there… there won’t be a trace of him in sight…. it’ll just be mom at home….

And that makes me feel sad…. sad and disappointed…

And it’s still strange how… when someone dies… you find a new normal… a new way of doing life with the absence…. you never forget the person…. but you find new ways to fill gaps that are empty…. or some don’t get filled at all so you don’t pay much attention to them….

And the ones I don’t pay attention to are the ones that seem to hurt the most… mostly because they are the ones that were special to me…. and now they are a fond memory… something I can treasure and live with but will now be forced to live without….

But life does promise to still give… it still promises to be a place of life and joy… and I think the perspective death has given me… well I believe I still don’t have the completed perspective death has given me…. because as much as it’s taken away…. it’s given too…

And I don’t know how I feel about that either… but I do know it’s time to do the holidays without dad… something I’ve been told is painful… “the first holidays are the worst”…. it’s what I keep hearing…

So I guess I’ll see for myself…. and hopefully they aren’t as painful as I’ve been told….

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