Grateful for the Pain

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Now I’m not gonna lie and say being home is a breeze…. It’s painful and there are certainly tears…

But if I could really describe this time… Well I would say painfully full… Painful because dads not here… But full because I’m surrounded by people that love me and I love them in return…

And I guess having 19 people for Thanksgiving dinner is a lot… But there’s a giant whole in my heart still… So it needs to be filled… And maybe it won’t be filled in the way it should be… But the amount of people I will see over the next week will help some… And it will definitely distract…

But honestly… Right now… If I could tell my dad something… Well I would tell him that we’re ok… That we’re overcoming this thing called death… That his absence is certain… We can’t deny it at all… But in the same breathe… Well we are still smiling… We are still living and loving and doing life…

And I hate to have to find mom crying… It’s not a lot… And I hate to cry… It’s not a lot either… But these things are happening… And I realized yesterday… When I was picking mom up off the floor… That this thing called death… It’s just a continuous life process…

And dad… I think you would be proud of us… I think you would be happy to see us getting a long and moving forward… I think you would be filled to know that mom is taking care of mom-mom and pappy… And that she is so admired and respected for it… I think you would admire her a little bit more and be grateful you married such an amazing woman of strength and bravery…

Because she’s doing such a beautiful job… Full of grace and pure love… And she’s even saying things like “oh so many have it so much worse… We are so fortunate and blessed”….

And dad in the mist of it all it’s amazing to watch such a beautiful example of a mother… We both know mom and I have had our struggles… Our ups and downs… Times when I didn’t respect or honor her at all… But now… Now things have changed and I have so many reasons to be grateful…

And dad you’d even be proud to watch Bridge and I move about through life… You’d be proud to see that we are pursuing life… And I know you’d be so happy to know that I’m working so hard to get to where I want to be in life… Which includes ridding myself of drama, fear of money, and so much more…

Gosh dad… I wish I could tell you these things… Especially how much I miss you… I miss you in different ways than I thought I would… And it sucks… But I know there’s a better plan out there and that you’re supporting whatever it is…

And over the next few weeks… As we experience thanksgiving, Christmas and a new Year without you… As someone else cuts the turkey and prays before dinner… And while I watch Alabama destroy Auburn and head for championship 16… Well I know you’ll be right there in some way… In some way you’ll be a part of my life and I’m so grateful for that…

I’m grateful that I had you as my father… That I was blessed enough to be raised by such an amazing man… A man of loyalty, grace, mercy and love… A man that provided and protected us… And most importantly… A man that resembled Christ in ways that religion never allowed me to see….

So this thanksgiving… On a day that should be rough and challenging… Well I’m going to choose to be grateful for you… For the most amazing man I’ve known so far… And don’t worry dad… I’m sure some man will replace that one day… And I’m sure you’ll be grateful and more than willing to let him… Because we both know it’s something you’ve always wanted… Me married with a “litter” of kids… And I’ll do it…

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