Hugging It Out

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When someone you love… someone you care about… someone that’s close to you is gone… you make a choice….

Mom said last month that she’s at place in life where she has no choice but to choose to be brave… that’s the option she’s been given… be brave…

And that’s how I feel right now… no one’s telling me to be strong…. I’m choosing to be strong…

And I don’t know if strength chooses you or if you meet him in an ally in the midst of a moment and you choose him… but the fact is he’s there in the moment…. in the moment when you need him… and you just choose…. you choose to be strong in the middle of tears and heartache… because if there’s not strength… then there’s just a tremendous amount of defeat….

And maybe I don’t want to be strong all the time… but let me express the fact that my heart hurts when mom comes home from shopping for Thanksgiving… she walks in the door at 1:15 am… and I just know she bought so many things… but then I know even more… even deeper that it pained her to buy so much knowing that dad isn’t going to be here…

But then what hurts her even more is not being able to buy a lot anymore in general… because what’s the point of buying a lot of food when she is here alone… and those are the moments that I know…. deep down… she’s excited that we are having a houseful for the holidays… she’s excited people are coming over tomorrow and will be here throughout the weekend… because in so many ways…. she… like me… will be full… full and distracted… but full from the love that’s given in the midst of the absence…

And the painful moments seem to hit at different times… and it’s easy to get angry… but more than anything… it’s easy to just me understanding… and to just love in the midst of all the negative, raw and realness we all feel…

It’s better to hug it out while the tears fall…. because no one should do this alone… no one should have to stand and cry and feel this amount of pain in these moments alone… and even when you don’t feel strong… you just choose it…. and even if you think you’re not… you become it…

I feel like strength is becoming a way of life… and I don’t have time for the bullshit that surrounds it… and maybe I’m harsh… and maybe my perspective is different than others… but it’s mine… it’s my perspective on life… on my life and on the lives around me…

And it becomes much more real to hurt for the ones you love when you see that their pain is so heavy… that they are carrying much more than they feel like they can carry in that moment… so maybe that’s what a hug does… maybe for a brief moment the hug says… “hey look I see what you’re carrying… that it’s far greater than you can handle in this moment… and I have the strength to hold it for you… I have the strength to lift up the heaviness you are feeling and just be here… And when you are ready I’ll give it back… but just rest here for a second and let me hold onto the heaviness you are feeling…”

And in a way I feel like that’s exactly what God does for us in these moments…

Lately he’s just been stopping me in the middle of moments in my day and saying “I just love you Amanda”… and I respond with “I love you too”… but maybe in those moments he knows the weight of the pain I am carrying is so much… so he’s “hugging it out” with me… he’ making it a little little for a moment… or maybe he’s preparing me for moments like this one… moments when I choose to make the load a little lighter for the ones around me that are in pain…

And if that’s true… if a simple hug makes the person next to me lighter for a moment… if I am absorbing what they are feeling for a second… that’s worth it… because we were created to do life together… we were created to commune… to laugh together… to cry together… to hurt for one another… and to be the stronger one and carry the load when it’s too heavy for someone else…

And if we can’t do these things… if we can’t choose to reach out to someone next to us in these moments… well then what’s the purpose of being in each other’s lives… because it’s moments like this that make us stronger… that make life more valuable… moments like this cause like to be more meaningful…. and it gives us one heck of a story….

And you know what… I’m ok with that…

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