Month Six…

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July 2nd… August 2nd… September 2nd… October 2nd… November 2nd… And bam… December 2nd is here…

It’s been six months… six months since dad’s been dead… and some of the months have happened without me thinking about the day or realizing “today is month number…”

But today feels different… And it’s for so many reasons… Mainly because the doctors said he might make it to Christmas…

Well…. here we are… we are 23 days away from Christmas and I am fatherless… A miracle didn’t happen and modern medicine didn’t save his life….

And it hasn’t been a bad thanksgiving at all… I board a plane today… Heart full of love from everyone I saw and all that I experienced…

But it still doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s not here… That I will leave mom here… Alone… Again…

And she’s in so much pain… And there’s really nothing I can do to make the pain go away….

I continue to realize there’s nothing I can do every time I hear her say her heart is broken…. “it’s just broken.”… she says…. She says it’s broken and she knows life will go on and she will heal… But for now the pain… the pain she has to live with is so much…

Mom says that there are just so many hurdles in front of her she has to cross… That there’s just so much responsibility in front of her now… And that she just misses dad so much…

And it hurts my heart to know she’s feeling pain…. and that I can’t do anything about it… There aren’t any words I can say…. There’s nothing I can do to help her mend her broken heart… I can love her and hug her… But I just feel like that’s not enough….

And then she has to carry so much now… But in the midst of it all… Well my mom fascinates me because I don’t see her falling apart at every corner… She’s together in her own way….

And I know people have said the holidays are hard… But they haven’t been too bad… And maybe it’s my outlook… my perspective… But I see things differently… And I’m choosing to live in each day and just enjoy the fact that we are together as a family…

But I’ve had my moments… Like last night when I thought my dad had scared my sister… But then I quickly remembered that he’s not here and she was just scared on her own…

And of course I think living out in Cali makes this reality a little less for me… But it’s all still reality…

So I genuinely hope… today… six months from the day that I watched my dad die… Well I hope it’s filled with love and hope and goodness… Even if I don’t experience those things… I hope others do…

And I hope my mom doesn’t feel so much of a mess… That she can move through today with her spirits lifted….

And I know it sucks… Death isn’t a friend… But I do respect him for the job he does…

And more than anything… I just want my mom to be happy and her heart to be full again… I want her to be taken care of and loved…

That’s what I want…

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