I’m Happy Dad

IMG_1736.JPG the past few days have been a busy blur… and in the midst… well… i think about dad and then the thought is usually gone so quickly…

it wasn’t until yesterday… Yesterday when i was sitting in the theatre… seeing Phantom of the Opera on Broadway that i got emotional… and i missed dad…. i missed him so much….

and i guess it was the fact that the lead charater was at her father’s grave singing a song…. that’s what made my emotions run a little bit…

and all of a sudden everything started rushing through my mind so quickly… the death… the visitation… the funeral… and the grave sight service…

they were all right there and so vivid in my mind… and i was reminded of the fact that life has been such a roller coaster of ups and downs this year… and how… though i’ve had an incredible year… well… my dad still died… he still died quickly and unexpectedly…. and he’s not here today at all…

and i feel like those emotions are still so raw and real… because they hit me at the most unexpected times… and i always feel sad… sad and sometimes disappointed… and i just don’t know what to do in moments like this… so it’s best for me to just allow them to pass… and to move with them as they come…

so if i could say something to my dad right now… well… i would tell him that i miss him terribly… that it’s gotten easier with the passing of time…

With the scuffle and scurry of my life I don’t think about him as much as I did before… Something does remind me of him everyday… But it’s not a constant pang of pain…

Honestly… The rawness of it all is just buried beneath my current thoughts and emotions…

But I wish I could tell him how life continues to open up to me… How I continue to live, learn and love… How I continue to pursue what I want by pursuing what’s in front of me right now…

And dad… Well, I honestly don’t know where I’m going next… I don’t know how life will open up to me next… And I’m not secure in the place I’m living or the job I’m in… Because it could all change at any moment…

But I do continue to become secure in myself… And I do continue to gain the confidence that my life requires me to have… And sometimes the growing pains are… Well growing pains… But gosh I feel like I’ve become so successful at just doing life and being here in the moment…

And I wish I could share these things with you…

A year ago… Well a year ago I was a miserable mess… And I didn’t know if I’d ever make it… To this place of happiness… But I’m here… And you did always believe in me so much… And I’m so grateful for that fact….

And though this year has been tough… Well… It’s been amazing…. And I just want you to know that I’m happy…. I’m happy with myself… With my life… With the place I am…. I feel content… And I feel at peace…

And I just want you to know…. All of the time you invested into worrying about me just being happy… Well I am…. I’m happy and I’m grateful that through the worries… Well was a father who cared so much….

And I just love you dad…

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