This Christmas

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/781/13106950/files/2014/12/img_2034.jpgIt’s not even that the holidays are hard… They just aren’t the same… Christmas isn’t the same without you dad…

Dad… You were the one that got everyone excited and in the Christmas spirit… And has odd as it seems… Well we didn’t learn this until your absence…

Because without you mom doesn’t want to decorate… She just doesn’t feel motivated to do Christmas….

You were like a little kid every year… Pressuring everyone to be Christmasy and bright… And making sure the tree was up and all the decorations were ready to go…

And it just doesn’t seem fair that you aren’t here…

And we actually decided not to exchange gifts this year… The effort to buy things was just so unnecessary… I mean we have everything we need… And how do you feel a void this big?… Because we all just want you back…. Here with us…

So this year… Well I guess we’ve started new traditions… We’ve done things differently to keep us merry and our spirits lifted… And we’ve done them together…

I’ll have to admit… Seeing Songs of the Season was sad for me… I realized that the last time I was in the church was for your funeral… And then before that it was for the Easter parade production… The last thing we did together as a family… And then a few of the songs had me so teary eyed and sad…

And then there’s the whole “not exchanging gifts things”… And of course I want to give our family members something… So we’ve put together baskets and such… Making this Christmas the least expensive on Winder record… I guess you would like that…

But don’t worry… We still spent 2 hours in Hobby Lobby… Shopping all of the isles… Mom needed to check out everything and I let her… Hey it’s the only store we were going to…

And then last night we made a gingerbread house… And it was so much fun… We actually did it on the coffee table in the living room…

Yes… I did put newspaper down… No it wasn’t enough… Yes… There was powdered sugar everywhere… And I was just waiting for you to walk in a bitch at us about making a “mess” and being too “loud” while you were sleeping…

And it’s just so much to have you gone… And we’re staying happy and positive… But I still hate to see mom cry… And I have great hope for her… But gosh she misses you so much…

Today was the worst in a way… I was making Christmas gifts… Printing pictures for them… And mom and B were helping me pick some out… But that turned into looking through pictures from the past… Which turned into tears and more sadness…

But we picked mom up and pulled her together enough to go to Walmart so she could get the things to make her famous Spice Tea… And it’s just one more reason you’d be happy that this is the least expensive Christmas in Winder history…

More than anything though dad… I think I’m learning again… Or more like being reinforced with the truth that the holidays aren’t about things at all… They are about family and savoring the time we spend together… Every moment of it….

I don’t even want to think of presents… The thought makes me kind of sick… Because nothing fills the whole that’s missing… Not even the cookie I just ate…

Nothing will bring you back… Because you’re gone forever…. But I can continue to make these memories and cherish them forever…

And I know mom thinks this Christmas sucks because it’s unlike any other… But honestly I feel so rich and so blessed to be able to be home for 16 days and spend time with the ones I love…

Because dad… At the end of the day… That’s what really matters to me the most…

The time we’ve all spent together… Even though it’s without you.. It’s been good and laughter and tears have brought us closer… And I love each person close to me a little more…

And dad… I guess I just want you to know I’m grateful for you… Even though you aren’t here… Well you’re still teaching me lessons on life and showing me how to gain fullness here on earth… And I’m just so thankful…

And I want you to know I love you… I love you so very much… Because death is beautiful in so many ways… So thanks dad….

Oh and don’t worry… I made chocolate chip cookies… Even though you aren’t here… And mom and B ate the best one… Someone had to eat it because… Well you aren’t here to do it…

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