Looking Back…

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You need to write… that’s what he says to me… write… express what you’re thinking… express how you feel about life and the place you are in right now… and honestly… well I don’t know what to say about life… about this year… about all that it has been….
Looking back 2014 has been a year I’ll forever remember… and honestly…. though I’ve experienced a tragedy…. well it’s been a good year…
This time last year I was depressed, disappointed and didn’t know what my life would come too… I honestly didn’t have any idea where I would go next… but I knew I hated where I was… actually… hate might not even be the right word for what I was feeling… I loathed the person I’d become…
And so I wonder to this day if picking up my life and moving it to Cali was the best decision… it sure feels like it… but I have my days… and my insecurities keep me questioning if I’m doing this whole life thing right…
I mean most people I know are married with kids or heading that way… and so comparing myself is an issue…
But in all… I guess this year has taught me that life is pretty amazing… that you don’t need much to live and be happy… that the people in my life… the ones I continue to surround myself with are the ones that matter… and that you can be happy anywhere once you’re happy with yourself…
And I think that’s the biggest thing for me this year… that I’m finally just happy with myself… happy to just be… and to just be me…
I’m happy and at peace… and those are too things I want to maintain in my life… I feel like I should be saying i want to maintain a relationship or the payment on something… but to me… well to me maintaining my happiness and peace are the most important things right now… because I feel like they will certainly help lead me to other things I genuinely want in life…
And these two things cost me so much… but they are good…
And who knows what 2015 will bring…. or what I may loose… 2014 brought death and I lost my father… but it also opened up the opportunity for me to start writing again in the most real way I know how to today….
Of course I’m a little scared… just the thought of entering a new year full of new unknowns… living in a city and state I know I don’t want to stay in forever… and working a job I don’t want forever either… the transition and end of those things do frighten me some and cause me to wonder “what’s next?”….
But at the same time… this all went smoothly… once I finally got on my own path… my own road marked “Amanda’s Journey”… once I got off of everyone else’s and started my own… well it feels like it’s been smooth sailing… even when waves have been rough and i’ve had some raw moments…
And I think because of this…. because I’m finally on the road marked “Amanda Winder”… well I think that means I should continue to move forward… and I should continue to just be me… and i’m honestly so ok with that…

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