Aftershocks…

DSCF2341Death and all that surrounds what it is has this way of creeping up on you at the most unexpected times… Like when I’m in Hobby Lobby shopping for pictures frames… I walk into the store and the sound that hits my ears is all too familiar… A song by Steven Curtis Chapman called Cinderella has me in tear in less than seconds… And then I’m quickly trying to pull myself together so I can get out of there….

And then there’s the moment when I’m at the movies… And the lead character is discussing her thoughts before killing herself… What goes through your mind…. What thoughts you might carry with you into the afterlife…

And that’s the moment that life becomes all too real for me… Because I am flooded with memories and emotion… The hospital room… Dad in the bed… Dad trying to breathe… Everyone encouraging him to breathe… Everyone encouraging him to stay here with us for another breathe… Another moment… And realizing the awful truth… That death was about to become a reality….

But I never really thought in that moment what he may have been thinking… And I know he was dosed up on a lot of morphine… That is was very out of it that last few hours of his life… But I still believe deep within me his subconscious mind was there… Thinking things… Maybe trying to communicate something…. Something good and truthful… Something to leave us here with….

Did he feel loved in that moment?… To have us all standing there?… Mom, Bridge, Mom-Mom and Pappy…. We were all there… The people that have been in his life the most… And that I would assume have meant the most… Though dad was a man of few words I believe he showed who mattered through actions….

So there are still questions… And I couldn’t contain my tears last night… Honestly, I almost got up and left the theatre just because I wanted to burst into hysteria… It was so strange… So different… I haven’t wanted to cry like that in a few months….

And I guess maybe that’s just part of grief… Part of the story of death and how it goes for those of us left behind with memories… Because I constantly go through my days without many thoughts, if any of dad… And it’s ok that they aren’t there… But when I moment like last night happened… Well it’s just so much…

And I am reminded again how real death is… That it’s not something that comes and then leaves… But that the aftershock lives on throughout life… That it will echo in my life for the rest of my life…. That when someone is gone your life changes… And that change is apparent… And though it might not look apparent from the outside, it is very apparent on the inside…

So I guess it’s true what people say… That it does get and has gotten better with time… That the pain… The direct pain I felt has eased… But there are definitely still aftershocks… And you don’t really know when they will hit you….

But I do know dad was loved so much… And he will always be a part of my life… So I’m grateful for the aftershocks…

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