Food for Thought

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I think it’s time to talk about some of the things I feel ashamed for… The things that make me human… The things that I believe in my mind will disappear one day but never seem too… The fact that I’ve allowed food to be an enemy and a friend… The fact that it never should’ve been either of those things to me… And now here I am… Here I am and I feel like I’m making my way out of this issue with food and my body that I’ve had for so long…
Because I’m coming to a place where I am learning that food is neither a friend or a foe… And I had a friend… Actually my best friend tell me “maybe you’ll have to gain it all back before you actually realize why you were big in the first place”… And for the last several months… Well I’ve been gaining a lot of weight… and I’ve been learning about myself… I’ve learned that food is my friend when I feel weak… it’s my friend when I feel alone.. It’s my friend when I feel good… It’s there for me when I feel anxious, afraid and bored… It’s even there for me when I am stressed and feel like a wreck…
And then it becomes my enemy after I’ve eaten… Quickly in fact… The food that I’ve consumed becomes my worst enemy and I despise it… I feel guilt and shame and then I hate all things dipped in chocolate and coated with sugar…
You see I’ve allowed this thing… This substance we need to maintain life… I’ve allowed it to become a someone rather than a something…
Growing up it was what I ran to when I felt all sorts of emotions… And even now… Well it’s what I continue to turn too in so many situations…
So… Do I feel embarrassed that I’ve gained 20 pounds of unhealthy weight back?… Yes… Yes I do… But even more so… I feel a sense of accomplishment because I’ve learned something in the process… I’m learning that food can’t be an enemy or a friend anymore… It’s not here to bring me comfort or to hold my hand when I’m afraid… And it sure doesn’t make a good situation better…
I’ve learned that binge eating out of boredom is becoming stupid and dull…. I never actually feel better or less bored in the moment…
And I’m starting to see it’s time to grow the hell up and become the woman who I know deep within me that I can and will be…
So often I feel like a child… Like I’m never going to grow up… When in reality I’m 26 years old… And that’s closer to 30 than I’ve ever been… It’s time that I get it together…
And I feel like I am… Just discussing this in general is a relief… Because it’s practice in coming one step closer to being free…
And as always it’s taken time… It’s taken lots of time for me to come to this place… And I feel like my best friend was so true within what he said…
And maybe I didn’t have to gain all of the weight back… And maybe I did gain some of it back in a very unhealthy way… But the process… The things i’ve learned a long the way… The intangible parts of me I’ve been able to examine and gain a healthy relationship with… Well it’s been good… It’s been good to come this road…
And maybe it’s not the best way… and maybe there could’ve been a way that didn’t include me bingeing on so much food with sugar in it… But I know that within the binging… Within the eating for emotional reasons…. I’m learning how to just be healthy….
And for the first time… Well I feel healthier…. Mentally and emotionally… And now I can carry what I’m learning a long with me in life and hopefully share it with others…
Plus… At the end of the day… Well I finally see me for who I really am… And I’m so flawed… I’m so full of clutter… But I think that’s why I am beautiful… Because I’m just me… And I’m still on this journey in life…
And maybe that journey will lead me to my hearts greatest desire one day… And hopefully I’ll finally have this balanced relationship with me… All that goes on within me and around me… The anxiety, stress, fear, boredom, excitement and so on…
Because when it’s all said and done… Well I hope I’m living a life of progression and goodness…

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