Stone Wall of Defense 

Ignore it… Ignore it happened and allow the world to go on around you… That’s how I’ve been handling the death of my father lately…

Because I’m so consumed in my own world… And it’s so simple to ignore that someone is gone when you are 2,000 miles away from home…

And I thought ignoring it all was ok… Really I did… Because then I don’t have to focus on the pain… And that’s fine for me…

But what happens when the pain I am ignoring causes someone else to feel pain?…

It’s not good… Not good at all…

Moms been here since Saturday…. And I’ve been excited about her coming… But not as excited as I should’ve been… Because I’ve been practicing ignoring things that pertain to dad…

So it shouldn’t surprise me at all that in theists of ignoring… Well I’ve been really mean, emotionless, and all together a bitch…

It’s easier to be stone when you don’t know how to handle what you’re feeling…. It’s easier to just brush off the fact that mom is hurting so deep…

Those things are easy to do when I don’t know what to do… And I feel like I’m supposed to have it together… Like I’m supposed to have some kind of answer… A solution to this entire thing…

But I don’t….

I don’t know what to say when I see mom all alone… When she cries and says that she feels lost and alone… I just don’t know what to do with that at all…

And I want dad back… Here… With us so badly… Because then… Well then things would be like they were before and mom wouldn’t feel so lost… So abandoned… So without… And confused…

And I hate that in the midst of her feeling so low… So out of sorts… Well that I made her feel worse… That I’m being mean… A cold person towards anything and everything right now….

And while I should be open…. Open and alive to all of this… Well… I’m not… I’m closed off and feel out of sorts…

And I think my pain is directed towards the fact that I don’t know what happens next… I don’t know for my own life… And now I’m faced to think about the fact that my secure little family is no longer concrete anymore because we lost someone so intricate… The one who helped hold us together…

And I’m not a hugger… Someone that is affectionate… So I don’t understand why it’s hard for mom when I don’t hug her back… I don’t get how that hurts her….

And I don’t want to be mean at all… My meanness isn’t intentional…. It’s just the defense mechanism I’m using right now… To protect me from reality…

But I guess I should stop using it all together… Because in the midst of using it… Well I’m hurting someone that’s in more pain than me… And that’s not cool at all….

So I guess it’s better to be open to this reality… And to continue to remember that I’m human and that I hurt and bleed too…

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