Just Tears and Love…

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Sometimes pain isn’t evident until you have something to provoke it….
You feel fine and life is just moving along… And then something reminds you that there’s still a gap in your life… And that life became so much realer… So much more authentic and true with death…
And there’s nothing you can do but cry… Not that crying makes it better… It does help you feel better… But it doesn’t make the situation better… It doesn’t bring someone back from the dead… And it doesn’t give the person you are hurting for what they need in that moment….
So it’s just tears… And they won’t stop… And they don’t stop… Because it feels like every one that falls from your face is followed with a thought… A memory… Things that remind you of what’s true in this life… And how you can’t change the situation… And how you just kinda have to work with what you have… How you have to be the person you were created to be…
And I guess that’s how I feel right now… Weighed down with what I see in my present life… Weighed down so much that it hurts me… And then it causes me to feel pain in other ways… It causes me to remember the pain of dad not being here…
But at the same time it causes me to be grateful that I had a parent that cared so much about me… sometimes it felt like too much…
So then i’m stuck… stuck without knowing what to do next… How do you keep loving someone who doesn’t know love?… How can you be insured they will be taken care of when you are gone?… When you aren’t a part of their life anymore…
This is what I question… This is what I don’t have answers for…
And I know deep down I should believe that love is enough… That the simple ability to be there and care is enough… But I still question… I still wonder… And I still find myself hurting for those that are in hurting in a way that i can’t really imagine…
But maybe that’s part of who I am… Part of the person I pushed away so long ago… Maybe it’s within me to have this type of compassion for others… And maybe I didn’t want to see it before… but maybe it’s been there all along and maybe I should just keep it… Hold onto it and allow it be cultivated inside of me…
Because maybe it’s the very thing or one of the very things that makes me Amanda… That causes people to call me sweet… And loving and caring…
And if that’s true… I guess the ability to love and hurt for others… The ability to feel compassion and want to do something… Well I guess it’s more than enough and I should be confident in it….

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