My grandfathers in the hospital…. And I’m not going to act like it hasn’t been bothering me subconsciously… Because it has…

I think it’s bothering me more than I allow myself to see… I’m good at distracting myself from reality… Especially painful reality… Or so I’m learning about myself…

And I think the part that sucks the most is the knowledge that we are approaching one year… One year since cancer became a reality for my family… So just the thought of sickness, hospitals and the overall health of someone I love is a little challenging for me…

And I don’t know what to do with all of it… I don’t want to think about someone else I love dying… I hate those thoughts… And he just has pneumonia, but still the thought of losing more people I love is painful…

I feel like I’m losing my family… And I guess that’s part of life… It’s what happens as you grow up and get older… People pass on…

But I miss being able to have conversations with my dad… I thought about how strange it is that I can’t have death conversations with him… This thing that I had never experienced before… Well now that I have I can’t hash out my thoughts with him over it… And I always enjoyed sharing my thoughts with my dad….

It’s weird to think I never talked to him about death… Because now I feel like I talk to everyone about it… Like I’m an open book of sorts…

But right now this situation with my grandfather has me in knots… And I know that he’ll be fine… It’s just I don’t want to loose someone else I love… Not now….