Just for Me…

IMG_3059Aside from maybe one other person… I am generally the hardest on myself… But that isn’t how it is for everyone?…

I give myself such a hard time… Basically I’ve become a good bully towards myself… Even when I’m having a good day and in such a good mood… Well deep down I am still bullying me… And I suppose I’ve always been this way… And I know I’ve gotten progressively meaner towards myself with time… So when it comes to one area of my life… Well I pick on myself more…

I feel like I am terrible at making friends… Actually… I’m not terrible… I’ve just never really had to do it before… I’ve always been surrounded by a ground of people to choose from… Making it generally easy on me…

But being so far from home and everything else… Well I’ve found it feels next to impossible… Plus… I am learning so much about me… And as I do that it causes me to wonder what types of people I want in my life… And then I feel overwhelmed all together and I find myself wanting to just stay in a small little bubble of comfort… I mean that’s a good way to live life… Right?…

So since I’ve moved here I’ve bullied me… And then I’ve taken my inner bullying to the streets and bullied my sister… Which is stupid and childish and insecure… But I’ve done it… And she’s put up with it… And I go in a circle determining who I am becoming… Why I am becoming her… And determining if people I meet are the type of people I want in my life…

But in the midst of trying… Trying to find friends… And at times feeling like I’d exhausted my resources… In the midst of all the bullying… Well I realized I made a friend… I wasn’t even trying… It just happened… And so maybe that’s how friendship is supposed to work… Maybe it’s supposed to be an organic thing… One that happens as you are just doing life and going with the flow…

And more than anything… It’s so nice to know that I did it on my own… There are so very few things I’ve done in life on my own… But the more I live my life from afar.. The more that I am separated from all that I know… All that raised me… Well the more I find myself… And the more I find myself doing things on my own… On my own and just for me… And it is such a good feeling….

A feeling of genuine accomplishment and one of real confidence and security… Followed by peace…

And I can’t promise myself that I won’t stop bullying me… But at least I’ve discovered that I can do something that I thought I couldn’t…

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