Graceful Heart….

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It’s Easter…. Last Easter I was with my dad… My entire family actually… Not knowing that it’s the last easter… The last holiday we would spend together as a family… And it’s sad to know that he’s not with us this year… That I cried myself through my sister’s first performance on the West Coast… And that the tears wouldn’t stop until I reached my car after the performance….
He just would’ve been so proud… Ya know?… So proud and so excited to have flown across the country… 1, 700 miles just to watch his daughter take on the lead role for one night…
And I’ll I could do after the show was try to hold myself together… Until I saw mom… And then both of our hearts sank again and we began to cry….
And it’s moments like this… Moments that don’t have words… They are the ones that I generally need to express in great detail…. Because expressing them makes them a little less heavier… And causes me to feel much more lighter… And then I have hope again that life is going to continue to become a better place….
But it’s just all of these firsts….
The first time celebrating his birthday…. Thanksgiving…. Then christmas…. And now the first watching my sister do something that I know would bring my dad so much happiness…. So much gratefulness… And so much love…
But then I find myself being grateful for other things… Like the fact that mom is here… She would’ve been here any way… But my grandmother and aunt are here too… And it’s a special trip of sorts for the three of them… So I find myself thankful for those things….
And I know this isn’t generally a holiday where we say how thankful we are…. But it is one where we celebrate god’s grace…. And I just feel like…. In the midst of everything I’ve experienced…. That my year has been full of so much grace….
And even in the midst of dad’s evident absence…. Well it’s nice to see grace within this entire weekend full of family…
Because it may not be the best easter ever… like the ones where I got to have easter baskets and egg hunts… or the ones that I refused to not “celebrate” because Jewish teaching taught me about Passover, rather than Easter….
But it’s truly a significant one… Because it’s the first without… But it’s the first that I’m spending with a heart full of grace…. And that graceful heart…. Well it might be just enough to move me on to the next mountain I decide to climb in life….

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