Purposeless…

IMG_3442Lately I’ve come to realize something about myself… I’ve never felt like I had a purpose… Ever…

Growing up I feel like my purpose was handed to me… Through my grandmother… Or church… Or school… Or activities… In a lot of ways I feel like I was always told who to be and why I should be that way…

And of course choosing to separate myself from so much of my past has helped me come a long way…

But over the past month… And really over the last few days… I’ve realized that feeling like I lack purpose has caused an emotional war inside of me…

I can see now why it’s been so easy to attach myself to what someone else is doing with their purpose in life… I can see why I take another’s idea and run with it… Because in so many ways I’ve been searching and searching for my own purpose…

Honestly, I believe it’s something deep down in me… Something that I’ve hidden from myself… That I don’t know what I want or what I am doing… So it’s easier to ride someone else’s coat tails…

But then comes the interesting part… When I start to examine my life… And then I realize that there’s nothing really there for me… Well there is, but I don’t know what it is because I’ve always been told… And so I become afraid and go on this entire emotional binge… Which leads to me feeling that void with food…

And in the last 10 years… Well, I’ve learned to manage the area of food in my life… Sometimes I’ve been super controlling… And other’s times I haven’t cared… Lots of times I’ve just totally consumed so much sugar it’s a miracle I’m not diabetic…

And in the midst of it all… Well the feeling of not knowing my purpose has been so strong… So pressing on me and my spirit… Because I know deep down I have a purpose… But it’s just been so twisted and miscommunicated… And so abused…

Now I’m not discrediting my story… The things, people, environments, choices and situations that have gotten me to this moment… Because those all of those things and people have shaped me and I’ve learned to draw the good out and leave as much of the bad as I can…

So… I guess… In this moment… It’s good for me to recognize that I still don’t know what my purpose in life is… But I see and understand that a lot of the reason I’ve struggled with managing my emotions is because I have always felt purposeless…  Just confused and wandering…

But now… Now I have a clear mind and perspective on who I am how to continue to move forward in discovering more of myself… And you know what?… I’m ok with that…

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