Separated from the South… From all that I know… And sometimes I wonder if I am doing this thing called life the “right way”…
And though I’ve learned that there isn’t a “right way”… I believe there are good ways and the best way… The best choice for me…
Well I feel like I’m at this strange place… This place where I want whatever life has to give me…
I feel disconnected from the person I used to be… Living here… Away from everything and everyone has given me to opportunity to be myself… And God knows I needed that more than anything…
But I still find myself a little fearful… Fearful of letting go and moving forward… Fearful of letting go of all that I know and really becoming me… Because I feel like when I do… Well I’ll love it too much and forget… Forget about people… Forget about things…
I fear that I’ll totally leave it all behind…
And I don’t think it’s a bad thing… I mean happiness in life is pretty important…
So why?… Why hang on to all of these things?… It’s not like they are doing me any good… I have my whole life to live… And I’m living it from the beautiful state of California…
And I feel pretty certain that I will be here for a while… Which doesn’t bother me… It genuinely makes my heart happy… But I still feel sad… Or maybe I want to feel sad… Because it means friendships will continue to fade away… And people will continue to move out of my life…
And honestly I think I fear that because it’s taken me time to learn how to cultivate friendships… Plus… I still don’t feel like I am that great at it…
And God continues to tell me to stay in the environment I am in… To keep moving forward and allowing it all to evolve into something beautiful… And I feel like my purpose within what I am doing has changed… And I find myself impressing myself… And then I have to remind myself of all that I’ve done before…
Plus a conversation yesterday led me to realize… I like life when it moves at the speed of constant growth and chaos…
Growing up my house always had chaos in it… Sometimes it was a little too much… But most of the time… Well I enjoyed the craziness of being a Winder… Of having a dad that instigated and terrorized… Because at the end of the day it wasn’t boring… It was always fun and entertaining…
And I think that’s what I continue to see about myself… Though I feel like a boring person… I can’t stand to be bored… I can’t stand to sit in front of the TV and distract myself from reality… To me that’s not engaging enough…
So I would rather fall asleep talking to God… Or thinking about life…
And the more I come to recognize and accept these things… Well the more I feel like me…
So I guess it’s ok to let go of the things that I am holding on to so tightly… So deep down inside… Because I think when I do finally let go of them… Well I believe that my life will open up a little more to the possibilities that await me…
And honestly… Well honestly I feel like possibility is all around me… The ones that I see and the ones that are for me… And right now… Well I am so ok with that…
