Hurting… But Hopeful

IMG_3502I’m hurting… There’s not an easier or better work for what I feel but pain… I just miss my dad…

And it hasn’t hit me this hard in several months… Sure I have my moments when I tear up… But for the past few days I’ve just been sad…

And maybe it’s because the reality of “one year” will be here in less than a month… Actually that’s probably true…

But death is still so strange to me… Everything about it… How we are here one moment and can be gone the next…

Before this experience… This real… Raw… Life altering experience… Well I never really thought of death at all… I never thought about my family members dying… I never thought about the pain that comes when you loose someone so close… Because why think about it?… I’m young… I’m immortal right now… Right?…

And then something like this happens and your whole life feels like it’s been turned upside down… Like someone pulled the carpet from under your feet… Mom said she felt like someone punched her in the stomach the day they knew for certain it was Stage 4 cancer… 6 months-one year….

And with a year coming to an end… Well I can’t help but be flooded with memories of how it all played out… And how so quickly my dad went from here… Present and alive… To completely and ultimately dying… To dead… No life… No breathe… Nothing… Just a sick body in a hospital bed…

But I miss him so much… I miss the time he spent with me and how much he cared to call everyday… Just to talk for a sec… And I miss him going on about mom and how she can be so funny at times… Or how about his new houses… His hopes and dreams for my sister and I…

And dad… It just doesn’t seem fair… But life’s not fair at all… When the cards are stacked right… And in this case you were ripe for cancer… Well that’s when my world shook…

And dad it’s true what they say… What I’ve heard and seen quoted… That loosing you wasn’t the hard part… It’s learning to live without you… It’s going about every single day adapting to this new normal or being fatherless…. It’s the emotions that are guaranteed to be experienced… And it’s living with the fact that I just want you back…

But I still have great hope… Though I don’t know hope… I am hopeful… Hopeful that life will continue to get better… That it will continue to have it’s ups and downs… But that it will turn out beautiful if I just step back and allow it to evolve…

And of course I’m so grateful for God… That he’s taken me in and fathered me since I’ve lost mine… I’m just so hopeful and so grateful for the blessings that will and do continue to come out of this tragic mess…

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