Depressed In This Moment…

Apparently I haven’t completely grieved… This pain that follows death is still so real and so alive… It hasn’t let yet… And I don’t know how to make it go…

But I find myself crying in the most random moments… Like when I’m in the middle of a treadmill workout… Or when I’m just sitting in silence….

This wave of emotion just hits me so hard… I don’t even have to think about dad… And BAM… The tears start flowing… And they flow more and more…

And my thoughts don’t even go to him when I’m crying… I just feel overwhelmed with emotion… And I’ve decided I’m going through the emotion… The stage of grief that encompasses depression…. Because I feel so depressed… And low…

And I’m tired all the time… Which isn’t all that fun…

I hate feeling depressed… And I’m aware that it’s just a stage of grief… The place I’m at right now….

But more than anything I think my subconscious mind knows the truth… That life back home in Shreveport isn’t ticking a long like normal… Dads not busy building homes… And moms not cooking dinner and entertaining people…

Instead dads dead…. Dads gone… A memory… And mom… Well mom is trying to put her life back together… She’s trying to move on and heal… She’s trying to get her footing and decide what’s next…

And that’s what has me down… The facts… The truth… The matter that death totally took my life and my family and shook it around…

And I’m not ok with that at all… I hate it all… It’s not fair and it can’t be real… But it is….

And here I am… Moving a long in life… But I find a problem… And that’s the fact that I keep pushing this all down to pay attention to the moment… And then I’m even more weighed down than before…

And I guess I just genuinely feel sad… Sad and depressed about what I’ve lost and won’t ever have returned to me…

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