Finding Forgiveness…

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The memory that continues to flood my mind this morning is one that involved hope… Leaving dad in the hospital… After spending the entire night there… The entire night after flying home and going straight to the hospital… And the next morning Bridget and I waking up so hungry… So we walked to ihop across the street to get something to eat… Mom was at home trying to get a good night’s rest… And we stayed just to be there…
And in that moment… Well I didn’t take death that seriously at all… I didn’t see that those last 36 hours would be the last my dad had with us… and us with him… I was still just so hopeful…
We walked to walmart to get a balloon too… And some tea… Because obviously, to me, no one cared that coffee is acidic and it was only instigating the cancer… Causing it to grow… We also got dad a dvd… Something to watch other than tv… So he wouldn’t be bored while getting better in the hospital…
But we were all wrong… We were all so wrong… We all hoped for the best… But isn’t that basically expected when you’ve never experienced death before?… That the person is going to spring back to life?… That they are going to take a turn for the good?…
And then there was the moment on the way back from breakfast… When dad told us to find him a wheelchair so he could get up and walk around some… That night he and bridge had a conversation that encouraged him to get up and start walking and stop laying there in the bed…
And in that moment we were both so hopeful… So focused on finding the first chair with four wheels that we saw… But it wasn’t enough you know?… The hope we had… It just wasn’t enough when death was going to be the final decision the next day….
And it’s good to look back and know… To realize that we had hope… That we were genuinely wanting a better outcome… And that dad saw that and somehow mustered up some hope for himself…
But then there’s the truth within it all… That life was taken just a few hours later… And that my life… My entire families life will forever be changed by a disease that went undetected….
And I think sometimes… Well I think that’s what hurts more than anything… The fact that he was sick for so long… And we all ignored it…
And maybe that’s why I am a little depressed… Maybe that’s why I am a little bit angry on the inside… Because I knew he was sick for years… But I cared more about myself… And what was going on in my own world… I was too focused on me to see that dad needed care… And that he needed it in that very moment…
And when I finally did care… When I did finally realize “Oh shit this is cancer. He’s going to die. My dad is going to die.”…. Well it was too late… I missed my chance…
And I think this is something I need to work through… Forgiving myself for not caring when I needed to care… Forgiving myself for being selfish… Forgiving myself for having my attention zoned in on me and only me…
Because at the end of the day… Well I know I could’ve done more… So much more… But now I’m left with a heavy heart… And a need to forgive me…

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