Year One…

IMG_3136_1024 (1)It’s been a year since I lost my incredibly antagonizing and loving father… It’s been a year since I’ve had to question so much about life… A year has passed… My thoughts, hopes and beliefs have all been questioned in such a different way than they ever were before….

Death has become a teacher… An aid in showing me how real life is… A guide into the future that points to mortality…. It’s real… I won’t live forever… Life on this earth… In this world is short and extremely fast…

And people continue to say “I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you don’t break down all the time”…. Honestly… Without my upbringing and the fact that I communicate with God on the regular… Well I would be a giant puddle of mush…

And it is hard sometimes… It’s hard to face the reality of the fact that I am fatherless… That I have to rely on God to be my father… I never thought I would have to do that… Because I had such an incredible father…

But now I do… And it’s good…

But their are moments… Moments when I just want my dad back…

And I guess… Well instead of dragging myself around today in the reality… Well I can just express my thankfulness….

Because I am so thankful to have had a dad that loved me, my mom and my sister so much… That provided for our every need… We were never without… I had so much love and care…

And now dad well I’m grateful for your death… That you’ve helped me become more understanding than I’ve ever been… Because with your death… Well I was able to take so many of the things I’ve learned… So many of the things that I didn’t quite get… Well I’ve begun to understand them in the past year of life…

One year ago today… Dad life became the realest it’s ever been… Yes, it did feel like a walking nightmare at first… I did feel shaken deep within… I did feel confused about how all of this would pan out… But your death has allowed me to be more hopeful than ever…

The shock has worn off… And life has moved forward… Every moment has been new and so pregnant with possibilities… And I’m just so very grateful…

You always told me that you just wanted the best for me… You looked at me and could see so much possibility… And I always thought “oh he’s just being a father. He’s supposed to say those things to me”…

And sure I couldn’t be you and entirely see your perspective… But in the last year… Well my perspective has shown me how rich and abundant my life is… How fortunate I’ve been to never experience tragedy… And how amazing it’s been to have lived the life you and mom helped give me…

And so I guess from your perspective… Well I guess that’s why you saw so much possibility… Because I didn’t have the struggles and pain you did…

Like most parents… Well you wanted better for us… And gave us that in return….

And dad… Though I miss you so much…. Well I’m grateful… And I will continue to live life striving for all the goodness God has for me… Using the wealth and inheritance that’s been stored up for me and my family…

And I don’t ever think I thanked you for this… But thank you for believing in Mom-Mom… Thank you for believing in her and encouraging her… And knowing she would be healed one day… Thank you for having hope that she could help change her part of the world… Because dad we’ve been so blessed because of it… You took care of your family’s  present and future in such a beautiful way in those moments… And I’m so grateful for my present now…

And thank you for choosing my mom… She’s incredibly strong… She’s ok… She’s making it and getting through all of this moment by moment… I appreciate her example more than I realize right now…

And dad… I just want you to know… Well I’m still always going to be your little girl that wanted to change my part of the world… And that is changing my little world moment by moment… And it happens when I just live…

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