Grace… Life Bender…

IMG_0575In this moment… I feel… Well I feel caught…

Caught in my own thoughts…

Consumed by the last two years of my life… How fast they’ve moved… All that’s taken place… How I’ve gotten here… To this moment…

And within the thoughts… Well I find myself questioning why I’ve always wanted the things I’ve wanted…

Why have I chased after them so?…

Whether it’s been a mental chase… A physical chase… Or even a spiritual chase… There are certain things I’ve always expressed to God… Things that I wanted…

And now that it seems like I’m “here”… Like I’m in those “moments” I always “wanted”…

Well I don’t know what to do with all of it…

And I think… For the most part… It’s because I’m changing and have changed…

The more grace I receive in my life… The more grace I can extend to others…

And in receiving and extending grace… Well I find my desire… The religious want to “help people”… Well it’s fading out fast…

Which makes me all together somewhat nervous… Because then what am I left with?…

I’ve thought for so long I wanted to be a a certain place, extending help to those in “that” arena of life… But now, well now my heart is changing…

And I guess it’s fair to say that I’m a little nervous…

Because I don’t know what choosing to embrace grace is doing in my life…

And what if the desires I’ve held for years change?… What if I find myself not caring about things I thought I held so near and dear?… Because what if I discover my reasoning for helping was a religious, pious?…

But then in the same thought… What if I allow this revelation on grace to actually consume me… To actually become a part of who I am… At my very core… To be my foundation… And what if it not only helps me get rid of religion… But what if it stirs inside of me a desire and a passion I never knew existed because it was too deep beneath the “I can solve their problems” mentality…

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