Grace… My Story…

img_0596-1In truth… I want to be able to continue to balance this life God has given me… I want to become a woman of balance for life… And I believe that’s part of cultivation… This ability of a sense… That allows you to see who you are… Where you’ve been… And where you might go next… And that’s me…

I grew up in religion… I’ve never fully accepted grace… Because I believed it was for everyone else… What I was supposed to give away… Not for me to keep…

And then I’ve been through consecutive years in my life… Years where I choose to work my way out of religion… Years where I wanted it all settled… I needed it straight…

And those years, well they produced harshness inside of me… I was afraid of letting God reach out to me…
Sure, I could allow the Holy Spirit to lead me… But God… Jesus… Grace… Mercy… I was tired of hearing about it…

So I shelved it in a way… All of the words… I placed them to the side… I had never accepted them fully…

And I didn’t want to hear them at all… Which made me sick… I was going insane…

Trying to work my way out of religion.. It’s just not possible… We have to have grace to get out.. We can’t work to get out at all…

Then I found myself here… In Cali…

Dazed… Confused… Despressed… Sick… And just hurt…

Hurt by myself for working to make things a giant mess.. And so I stopped…

I stopped learning… I stopped trying… I stopped carrying burdens of self and others…

And somewhere… Somewhere over the course of two years… Well I actually gained an identity… An identity based in grace…

Because God, in all of His grace brought me here… And whether it may have been through the encouragement of others… His grace and goodness has been my story while I’ve just lived for two years…

Even through my dad’s death… That could’ve been awful…

But God’s grace and love for me has been so strong… So much so that I’ve been able to be stronger than ever…

And now… Now as I’ve been choosing to come to a place where I just accept my role as a daughter in His Kingdom… Well I am finding that it’s so simple… I don’t have to read my Bible (I never do)… I don’t have to pray like the religious… I don’t have to study like I’m insane and need an “answer”…

I just have to accept grace and love and peace… And within that… Well I don’t care to try and fit in to become secure in who I am… Sure I might want to sometimes… But for the most part, I’ve learned to love me… To give my problems and the ones of others to God… And to stop trying to figure it all out…

And I believe everyone is different… The religious… The non-religious… But we all want better in some capacity…

And honestly… Grace is the only thing I’ve found and accepted… The only thing I’ve learned as a “parent”… The only thing that truly allows us to become good and better in life…

Because if I didn’t choose grace with the kids I nannied… Well… I might’ve gone crazy… But somewhere in there, I learned that they are learning… That they aren’t perfect… That I’m not perfect… And that they deserve patience, love and grace…

Because within it, it builds respect and trust…

And now, looking back… Well… I believe I can continue to allow God to just simply continue to give me grace in the midst of every day life situations…

And that, within itself, produces a huge Kingdom/lifestyle of pure, authentic grace…

Enough for me to just live…

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