My Unorganized Reality…

My spirit sees… It feels something deep within… At my core… At my core I cannot and will not be moved…

But then… Then my mind gets in the way… And I begin to toss around my reality…

I begin to question what I see with my eyes… What I hear with my ears… And what I experience in the world around me…

And that can and does overwhelm me some… Not a lot, but enough to actually think, “How is this all going to come together the way it’s been designed?”…

And honestly… Honestly I need to be encouraged… Encouraged to believe that I won’t become jaded, hurt and in pain again… I don’t want to feel the type of emotional pain I experienced 3 years ago ever again… And so I remain guarded to some extent… And all together pushy and sassy with the people I love because I do feel like I need to protect myself, my thoughts and my emotions…

And in these moments… Well, I miss my dad’s encouragement more than I ever dreamed I would…

And I know God is there… That He is very willing and able to encourage my every movement… But then… Well sometimes I just want what’s tangible… What I know without a doubt I can see with my eyes… Because hearing His voice with my ears doesn’t seem to be enough…

But then I also feel challenged… Challenged and all together flat out motivated to just move forward…

Because this is all I have and it’s finally enough… And my passion to find and reveal God in all things is so apparent… It’s who I am…

So then… How do I overcome the thoughts of my reality?… The ones that ask what tomorrow will bring… Because for me, in this life I’m living, my moments, days, weeks and months are completely unplanned… I don’t know what will come next… I’ve just chosen to ride the wave of all of it… To stay organized and structured and firm within it, but to not plan too much of it… And to just be prepared for the unknown, uncomfortable and unorganized reality I’ll bump in to…

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