addiction · challenge · patient · will of God

Every Single Time

If you were to ask me what I battle with the most today… I wouldn’t say a sugar addiction, body insecurities, the fear of being alone, pride, jealousy and envy or even a broken heart. Instead I would say, “The will… The will of God.”

You know I believe His will is the most complex thing I’ve EVER encountered. It’s just so full of mystery and misunderstanding. And following it, for me, is still challenge.

I mean He keeps asking that I keep giving up everything I’m holding to grasp something higher… Something more evaluated and holy than what my mind possesses.

And yeah, sure that sounds cool… But remember being human means I’m selfish. I still want what I want when I want it. And… I also want to understand why He keeps saying, “Be patient Amanda. Be patient with my timing. And until that time, follow what I say.”

But then He knows… Gosh He knows me so well. And He knows I will chose Him and what He wants EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And I don’t know if you understand this. I hope that you do. I hope that you’ve chosen and continue to chose to follow Holy Spirit with your entire heart. Because when we do… When we actually constantly and consistently follow through with His will and His ways, well I believe we’ve begun to cultivate a lifestyle of following Holy Spirit. And… what’s better than that?! 🌱👑 #cultivatelife #justlive

addiction · anger · complain · disappointment · faith · relationship

Angry with God?..

Anger… How do I trudge through it with peace in my heart?! I really don’t know.. I definitely feel like I’ve been robbed of so much and that angers me… But more than anything anger is causing me to want to punch God in the face…

And it’s kind of funny… Because, in the past I’ve told others, “You can be angry with God. He can handle it more than anyone I know.” But… Here I sit with so much anger towards Him, and I don’t exactly know what to do with it all.

Why am I angry? Simply put, life is not going according to the plan of Amanda. So much has been shaken and removed from the foundation of my life. I’ve made so many Holy Spirit-led decisions… Decisions that cause me to think, “Why did I follow Him at all?! If I had known this would be life I would’ve created and followed my plans for life!”

And when it comes to Cultivate Life (the business I own), well that’s where I really want to scream at Him. Because nothing makes sense at all.

So, how do I continue to cultivate life in the mist of all of this anger? Food never helps. Complaining never helps. And since I am angry with God, He doesn’t seem to be my most trusted and helpful companion right now.

But isn’t it supposed to be faith (believing in God’s existence and that He’s rewarded us with goodness in the past) that gets us by in times like these? Life has been great in so many seasons before. I have seen opportunities constantly open up and I have felt so much excitement, joy and goodness in my heart…

But in this moment, well I don’t see any of those things happening… And it’s discouraging…

But then it’s been advised that I keep moving forward, even though I don’t feel inspired, motivated or excited at all…. That I move forward with patience, persistence and perseverance…

I guess that’s really what so much of this life is about though… That even when we don’t understand God and His ways that we still choose to follow Him because He does provide the most spiritually uplifting and good life.

But, I’m gonna be really honest. The closer I get to God, the more and more my relationship with Him is like a relationship with any person I am close too… And in any relationship there are times where you don’t really understand why a person does what they do… But I do love Him more than anything or anyone… And I do continue to talk to Him and spend time with Him all the time… But I still want to smack Him in the face and ask, “What the hell are you doing with my life because it’s super annoying and I feel like a fool for following you!”

But… Then, maybe I am on one of the biggest learning curves of my life to date… Meaning, when I look back, I’ll be grateful for the time of anger… Grateful for the growth. And even more grateful for God being God.

addiction · darkness · healing · pain · value & worth

Unwanted Soul…

There’s something incrediblely fascinating to me about feeling alone…

I think it’s the reality that sometimes our experiences cause us to feel separated from others… Like we don’t belong because life happened and now we feel less than unwanted and undesirable…

Like we have to put up a shield of protection every time we enter a room… Because, if people see how alone we feel, well we’ll be judged and marked as a flawed person…

So, rather than show people how alone we feel, we do things to cover that pain… We turn to things that cause death and destruction in our lives… And those substances, they produce more darkness, more pain and more trouble for us…

For years I turned to food… Because food gave me a sense of being wanted… I felt comforted to a degree…
And I thought once I began to eat healthy and exercise some of this feeling of being alone would fall away… That I would lose weight, become more attractive and then the sense of feeling alone would leave…

But it didn’t…

It only got worse…

And from that spiraled the addiction I had to sugar… And that addiction made me feel out of control… Out of sorts… Even more flawed, undesirable and unwanted…

And the aloneness I felt increased and multiplied…

I was driving myself, my family and close friends crazy… Because I constantly obsessed about not being able to conquer this addiction to sugar…

Of course I left out the feelings I had of being alone… It was unimportant to share all of that in detail…

I mean, who really wants to say, “I feel alone! I constantly feel alone and unwanted at my core… and it’s killing me!!!”

But that’s how I felt… That’s how I felt for years…

And the truth is, it’s no ones fault… It’s not my parents, grandparents, friends or sisters fault…

No one is to blame…

We live in a flawed world…

Seeking acceptance, that I believe, can only truly come from one source…

And I’ve said it before, but I believed that souce is Father God… He is the only source I can go to and feel whole and complete…

And, when I spend enough time in His presence… I can then live my day with a loved, wanted and accepted feeling…

Because the inside of me no longer feels the need to be intangibly loved by my family, friends and peers…

The love I am receiving goes beyond what they can provide for my soul… And so I feel good… I no longer need an addiction to cause me to “feel” better… I just need the love flowing from His heart, and His heart alone…

So if you’re going through a hard time… If you feel alone, unwanted, undesirable and out of control with an addiction… Please be encouraged to know, Father God and His love are the power that will bring you out and away from what you’re experiencing…

Because everything else, our relationships with people, our things, what we do, say and think… To me they are a facade… Seeming to make us feel loved, accepted and wanted… But intangibly, in the depth of our soul, never actually giving us what we truly need… Which is just basic love from and connection to Father God…

addiction · Body · brokenness · fear · freedom · healing · lies, deception & manipulation · process · restore

Alone and Lied To…

Since the age of 6, I’ve struggled with one core thing…

The fear of being alone…

Deep within the core of me, I began to believe a lie… And that lie told me, “Because of the weight I continued to gain, I would never be enough… I would never be pretty enough… I would never be small enough… I would never be desirable in any way”…

And I believed this lie of my soul… I believed it for 21 years of my life…

And the lie took on mutiple forms…

For at least 13 years I hid behind a veil of physical weight, scared of life outside of the shell…

And then the shell started to break, I lost the weight and gained confidence in the body I worked so hard to cultivate…

But then, well there still wasn’t rest in my soul…

Because I still felt like I’d always be alone and unwanted…

And it didn’t matter what my family, friends, mentors and even the Holy Spirit himself told me… Because I believed this one lie…

And so, the lie encouraged a binge eating disorder inside of me… I would binge on sweets when I felt out of control, alone and undesirable…

It was a constant, brutal cycle to my spirit, soul and body for 10 years… And I was afraid it would never leave…

But then… Then something happened… Because God, He took my situation… He took the children that I nannied and taught be about His love for me… He taught me how to love them unconditionally… Even when they might’ve hurt me… Even when they had a hard time… I loved them…

And then, after He taught me how to love them, Father God showed me how much He loves me…

Over the course of 10 months in Los Angeles… A time where I believed I was doing nothing at all, He was working within me…

Not the Holy Spirit… Not Jesus… But Father God Himself…

It’s like He came down and spent time with me everyday… Showing me how valuable I am to His heart, and that there’s no reason to allow my circumstances to cause me to feel alone… That there’s no reason to binge on sweets to feel a void in my heart… A void that only He could and can fill…

Because, as much as I’ve want to be married and have a family, I now believe gaining those things wouldn’t have filled the void I felt in my heart…

Because that void could and will always only be filled by Him and Him alone…

And so, I hope, this story… This piece of my story and who I am will encourage anyone that fills alone to seek out the very heart of Father God… Because, when we are filled to the brim with His love, from His heart… Well the realness of being alone, it completely falls away…

addiction · Body · darkness · soul · vulnerability

Food for Thought

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I think it’s time to talk about some of the things I feel ashamed for… The things that make me human… The things that I believe in my mind will disappear one day but never seem too… The fact that I’ve allowed food to be an enemy and a friend… The fact that it never should’ve been either of those things to me… And now here I am… Here I am and I feel like I’m making my way out of this issue with food and my body that I’ve had for so long…
Because I’m coming to a place where I am learning that food is neither a friend or a foe… And I had a friend… Actually my best friend tell me “maybe you’ll have to gain it all back before you actually realize why you were big in the first place”… And for the last several months… Well I’ve been gaining a lot of weight… and I’ve been learning about myself… I’ve learned that food is my friend when I feel weak… it’s my friend when I feel alone.. It’s my friend when I feel good… It’s there for me when I feel anxious, afraid and bored… It’s even there for me when I am stressed and feel like a wreck…
And then it becomes my enemy after I’ve eaten… Quickly in fact… The food that I’ve consumed becomes my worst enemy and I despise it… I feel guilt and shame and then I hate all things dipped in chocolate and coated with sugar…
You see I’ve allowed this thing… This substance we need to maintain life… I’ve allowed it to become a someone rather than a something…
Growing up it was what I ran to when I felt all sorts of emotions… And even now… Well it’s what I continue to turn too in so many situations…
So… Do I feel embarrassed that I’ve gained 20 pounds of unhealthy weight back?… Yes… Yes I do… But even more so… I feel a sense of accomplishment because I’ve learned something in the process… I’m learning that food can’t be an enemy or a friend anymore… It’s not here to bring me comfort or to hold my hand when I’m afraid… And it sure doesn’t make a good situation better…
I’ve learned that binge eating out of boredom is becoming stupid and dull…. I never actually feel better or less bored in the moment…
And I’m starting to see it’s time to grow the hell up and become the woman who I know deep within me that I can and will be…
So often I feel like a child… Like I’m never going to grow up… When in reality I’m 26 years old… And that’s closer to 30 than I’ve ever been… It’s time that I get it together…
And I feel like I am… Just discussing this in general is a relief… Because it’s practice in coming one step closer to being free…
And as always it’s taken time… It’s taken lots of time for me to come to this place… And I feel like my best friend was so true within what he said…
And maybe I didn’t have to gain all of the weight back… And maybe I did gain some of it back in a very unhealthy way… But the process… The things i’ve learned a long the way… The intangible parts of me I’ve been able to examine and gain a healthy relationship with… Well it’s been good… It’s been good to come this road…
And maybe it’s not the best way… and maybe there could’ve been a way that didn’t include me bingeing on so much food with sugar in it… But I know that within the binging… Within the eating for emotional reasons…. I’m learning how to just be healthy….
And for the first time… Well I feel healthier…. Mentally and emotionally… And now I can carry what I’m learning a long with me in life and hopefully share it with others…
Plus… At the end of the day… Well I finally see me for who I really am… And I’m so flawed… I’m so full of clutter… But I think that’s why I am beautiful… Because I’m just me… And I’m still on this journey in life…
And maybe that journey will lead me to my hearts greatest desire one day… And hopefully I’ll finally have this balanced relationship with me… All that goes on within me and around me… The anxiety, stress, fear, boredom, excitement and so on…
Because when it’s all said and done… Well I hope I’m living a life of progression and goodness…