addiction · anger · complain · disappointment · faith · relationship

Angry with God?..

Anger… How do I trudge through it with peace in my heart?! I really don’t know.. I definitely feel like I’ve been robbed of so much and that angers me… But more than anything anger is causing me to want to punch God in the face…

And it’s kind of funny… Because, in the past I’ve told others, “You can be angry with God. He can handle it more than anyone I know.” But… Here I sit with so much anger towards Him, and I don’t exactly know what to do with it all.

Why am I angry? Simply put, life is not going according to the plan of Amanda. So much has been shaken and removed from the foundation of my life. I’ve made so many Holy Spirit-led decisions… Decisions that cause me to think, “Why did I follow Him at all?! If I had known this would be life I would’ve created and followed my plans for life!”

And when it comes to Cultivate Life (the business I own), well that’s where I really want to scream at Him. Because nothing makes sense at all.

So, how do I continue to cultivate life in the mist of all of this anger? Food never helps. Complaining never helps. And since I am angry with God, He doesn’t seem to be my most trusted and helpful companion right now.

But isn’t it supposed to be faith (believing in God’s existence and that He’s rewarded us with goodness in the past) that gets us by in times like these? Life has been great in so many seasons before. I have seen opportunities constantly open up and I have felt so much excitement, joy and goodness in my heart…

But in this moment, well I don’t see any of those things happening… And it’s discouraging…

But then it’s been advised that I keep moving forward, even though I don’t feel inspired, motivated or excited at all…. That I move forward with patience, persistence and perseverance…

I guess that’s really what so much of this life is about though… That even when we don’t understand God and His ways that we still choose to follow Him because He does provide the most spiritually uplifting and good life.

But, I’m gonna be really honest. The closer I get to God, the more and more my relationship with Him is like a relationship with any person I am close too… And in any relationship there are times where you don’t really understand why a person does what they do… But I do love Him more than anything or anyone… And I do continue to talk to Him and spend time with Him all the time… But I still want to smack Him in the face and ask, “What the hell are you doing with my life because it’s super annoying and I feel like a fool for following you!”

But… Then, maybe I am on one of the biggest learning curves of my life to date… Meaning, when I look back, I’ll be grateful for the time of anger… Grateful for the growth. And even more grateful for God being God.

anger · brokenness · death · family · pain · teamwork

Valley of Life…

What happens when you find someone in a valley of life?… 

And not only are they in a valley, they’ve decided to sit down and stay awhile because the climb to the top of the next peak is intimidating… 

Intimidating because of it’s vastness… Because of its newness… Because of the fact that that person is afraid to climb it alone…

That’s where I see my mom right now…

Over the past 2 1/2 years life has shifted and changed drastically…  

First she sped down a mountainside with the death of my father… And now it seems as though the valley she’s been in has “extended stay” stamped on it…

I don’t believe she wants to stay here… but this is where she is in this moment of life…

And it hasn’t been easy living so far away from it all… So moving back to the South, without a clear plan for my own life has truly been an adventure… 

But then, well now I’ve chosen to help climb this mountain with my mother… 
And a lot of the time I feel like I’m carrying her on my back… 
But in reality I believe God is truly moving the entire thing a long… 

For me, following the Holy Spirit has always had its ups and downs… Always… With Him life doesn’t make complete sense, but He always, always leads me to good…

And so, well that’s what I’m hoping for here… That the three of us, my sister included, can walk up this mountainside together… 

And, with the Lord’s help… With His strength, security, love, joy and peace that we can walk up that mountain swiftly…

Because I believe this is a part of life… That this moment we are in… This year is altogether considered a “bad time,” but a bad time He will make good as we climb to the top… 

Because I believe once we get mom to the top of this mountain, well the view is going to be incredible and altogether wonderful…

anger · bitterness · forgiveness · grace

Mutual Forgiveness

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I feel offended… I feel bitter…. Actually I know I’m bitter deep down… I’ve gone round and round about bitterness lately… But this… This is different…

I have a close friend I’m bitter with and all stories and hurt aside… Well it’s still this feeling like I’ve been wronged…

Since I left Dallas… Since I walked away from so much… Well so much has changed…. And my relationship… My relationship with God has changed…

I think I began to feel wronged by him as I began to discover and learn things about myself and my life… When he started showing me things that I didn’t really want to see because…. Well it was painful a year ago to look at those things…

And within the pain… Within the truth I was feeling I began to feel like a victim… Like someone was treating me wrong…

And I’ve had a victim mentality my whole life… So it’s not a surprise that when I felt pinned…. Pinned in a corner with so much pressure and stress… Well I decided to blame someone… And that someone was God….

For about 3 months I’ve known I needed to work through this with him… Because deep down I know our relationship is just so different with the feeling of bitterness I have towards him…

It’s a feeling that puts distance between us… And it causes me to forget the great relationship we’ve had… The time it took to develop the relationship… And the amount of closeness I valued so very much…

All of a sudden I realized I’ve been treating this relationship like it’s common…. Common and cheap… Like it was easily cultivated…

And none if that is true…

So when I began to think about these things today… When I began to realize truth… Before I had the opportunity to say I’m sorry and ask him to forgive me… For my good, close friend to forgive me… Well he spoke up first and asked if he could be vulnerable…

He asked if I would forgive him… And then as he began to explain details to me… Well it was more than I knew what to do or feel in the moment…

Because I felt guilty at first that I hadn’t said anything to him first, but then I felt aw…. Pure aw that God was asking me… Someone so small and insignificant to forgive him… And then I almost began to cry because I realized that’s how amazing and real he is…

He’s such a great friend…. He’s such an honorable and loving being…

Before this moment… I would’ve never imagined God would ask something like that because I know I’m the one that’s always lacking… Always messing up and making life complicated…

So this moment was special to me… And I want to take this moment to tell him in words… In writing… That I forgive him and that I’m so sorry for everything that happened a year ago… I’m sorry and I want to move forward now with grace….

A mutual grace between the two of us that can strength and mature this relationship….

And you know what… It’s something that I feel good about… Because it’s fresh and new…