awareness · grateful · just live

This is the Day!

“This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Psalm 118:24

Growing up, I continuously heard my grandmother sing Psalm 118:24. We could be anywhere, doing practically anything and she’d freely breakout this phrase for anyone that was listening to hear.

To me… To me these words didn’t mean much of anything at all, but to her… Well you could always tell she had a deeper understanding of rejoicing in the goodness of today.

You see, as I continue to just live in today.. As I continue to just focus on the now.. As I continue to let tomorrow worry about itself and bring it’s own problems and pain… Well I’m learning something else that is revolutionizing my life.

Today is the only day I actually have. Sure I can fantasize and hope and pray for tomorrow, but today… Today is it.

And, in so many ways and for so many reasons today is the day I’ve been yearning for. It’s the day I’ve hoped and prayed for. It’s a day I’ve cried tears over. A day that I’ve wished upon a star to be in. Because you see while I’ve been following the Holy Spirit, Jesus and the Father have been constantly and consistently supplying me with a freer life than I previously had. They’ve been working with me to toss my past, my failures, my fears, my worries and my shame so that I may pick up their grace and freedom and love.

And, in doing so, I’ve become a better person. A more alive and fuller person. An increasingly more pleasant person to be around because I’m not dictated by hate, fear and pride.

And because of this, well I can confidently walk into each day and just live my life. I can truly repeat the phrase, “This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Because, though the day might be full of trial, error and terror, it’s still a day that God has fully formed for me. A day that He created for me to walk through in freedom and in love.

Right now you might be thinking, “Amanda, this isn’t making sense. I don’t understand.” And you know what? It’s ok. If you’re anything like I am, you understand what its like to be stuck in a place of worry and panic and fear; however, when we choose to let go of pain and the past… When we give God control of our free will… And when we continuously allow Him to direct our lives, well we find ourselves in a place of peace. And in that place of peace is the ability to just rejoice and be glad in today.

awareness · focus · Mind

No More Distractions

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Have you ever been in the middle of a dream and you just decide to say “no” and then walk away and the dream is over?… it just stops and ends there…

I’ve heard of people doing this before and a mentor told me once that I could control my dreams… but I’ve never done it…

But in the dream… well I couldn’t get where I was trying to go because I kept getting distracted… by small things… they kept grabbing my attention… and then I began to panic… panic because I thought I was going to be late for where I was supposed to be…

And every person that walked in the door was distracting me from what I was supposed to be doing…

But then… then there was a moment… a moment where I said “no”…. I simply said and “no” and I woke up… and once I was awake I got out of my bed and began my day…

And I think I’m trying to send myself a message… In so many ways I know I am allowing myself to be distracted… To be distracted by little things that don’t matter… Moments of drama…

But it’s dumb… it’s dumb if I say I want one thing… I tell the Lord I want something… He’s positioned it for me… or at least for me to prove that it’s what I want… and then I find myself caught up in distraction… forgetting about what I want….

So that’s why I think it’s time that I began practicing what I did in my dream… Finally saying no to what I’m allowing to distract me and moving forward…

Because at the end of the day… if I really want what I say I do… well… distractions won’t help me get there… So…. I hope… For myself that this is a moment where I consciously decide to say no and to begin to recognize when I am distracted…

awareness · change

Life Cues

IMG_1074What happens when you finally control your own life?… When you feel like no one holds the keys to your future anymore but you?… When everything you were working for isn’t a reality anymore?…

Because I’ve left it…. Walked away and I’m trying to discover my own way…. What my purpose is…

I need more than anything to figure out my purpose…. What I’m created for… Because I know deep down when I do… Well I’ll follow it all the way….

It’s not normal for me to be in this place…. This place were I don’t feel motivated for anything really….

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing…. I feel like I’m a little afraid…. When I look at myself I see someone who is happy, but so afraid… Afraid of taking the next step because I don’t know what the next step is or where it will lead…

But I do know that this spot… This place isn’t where I want to be forever…

So what do I do? Do I simply live in the midst of this moment? Or do I continue to try new things?

So many times I feel behind… Behind the curve… Like I’m always playing catch up in life to all of those around me that I know….

It would be so nice to just shut social media off completely…. To close off the idea of what others are and aren’t doing…. Because watching others is torturing sometimes…

I think, “why do I have to be so behind? Why am I here at this place? Why did I have to be so hard headed and think that I have all of the answers?”

Then I wonder how will I be able to lead my own life when I don’t even know where I’m going… And I think I’m coming back to this place of serendipity… This place where I just followed God and trusted that life was going to pan out well… I feel like that plan was good… That is used to get me places….

But gosh life doesn’t really work on serendipity, coincidental type of moments like it used to… It’s changed it’s course completely…. And I don’t like that sometimes…. I liked the little life cues that showed me I was moving in a healthy, good direction…

And maybe those little cues didn’t leave me… But maybe they changed their clothing a little… Maybe they look different and feel different now and I’m just not trained to pick up on them…

Whatever the case… I really miss those little cues… The ones that reminded me I’m following my arrow…

And I wish they would come back or reveal themselves to me in someway again… Because I need them now… Just to have them to guide me… To guide me through the fear I feel and help keep me on my own path and journey in life…

Because in the end… Death is teaching me, it doesn’t matter how much you watch others and want to follow their lead… Because it’s my journey… It’s my story to tell… It’s mine to live and love and share with others… And if I can’t be open to accepting that it’s my story, and that it shouldn’t look like someone else’s… Well then what’s the point of having a story anyways? What’s the point of living a full life if it’s a replicate?

I think that’s what I need to realize for myself and really tell myself… That it doesn’t matter that my journey doesn’t look like another’s… Because it’s mine… And it will always be mine…

awareness · peace

Quietness for Peace

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It’s a new day…. a new week…. a new month….. a fresh morning…. and I need the ability to walk into my work environment with a quiet mind and soul.

In the midst of all the drama that goes on…. I need to remain drama less…. to let things just roll of my back and move forward…. but, I’m not that good at staying drama free.

I feel like it sticks to me like a magnet and finds me whenever I don’t need it the most…. when I want to just be away from all of it…. all of the gossip and craziness of another’s life….. that stuff seems to follow me everywhere…

And once again this is a challenge….. I believe it’s put in my life….my path…. where I am here and now…. to help me get to where I need to be…. to qualify me for whatever I am chasing after in life… To help me reach my goals and dreams…..

I think so many times in life we want something so much but we are unwilling to work things out in ourselves…. we are unwilling to climb the mountain in front of us so we can be at the top and enjoy the view….. instead, as Americans and a lot of the time we want life handed to us on a silver platter…. for it to be easy….

And it’s not…. Now it can be fun and enjoyable… but getting what we want isn’t always a picnic or a day at the park…. it takes work….

You’d think after last week that I’d be over life…. over having to deal with what’s here and now…. Screw in my tire, new tires and brakes, 62 hours working, exhaustion, the first college football weekend without my dad, and then I have to hear about all of the challenges mom and Bridge have been through…. and it’s exhausting….

But I know deep down within me that these things that seem like a headache…. the things that I’d rather not live with…. well, I need to live with in the moment because they are just another part of life…. another part of the journey up the mountain I’m climbing…. and one day I’ll reach the top…

I also have to remind myself life is so good… I have a job, shelter, food and clothes…. I have people that love me and care about me and individuals who continue to accept who I am even in the midst of me changing and developing and being so far away from home and all that I know….

And then…. then when I see a woman with a grocery basket asking if she can get in the gate at my apartment so she can get food out of the trash…. well then I know deep with in me I have absolutely nothing to complain about at all…. that my life is so good…. that I’m blessed beyond my minds ability to see with the family and life I’ve been born into….

And…. how dare I complain about a flat tire or a dramatic work environment….

Instead… I should be striving with all that is in my to create new healthy habits that display more love and acceptance…. an attitude that doesn’t fuel drama…. because I do…. and attitude that doesn’t fuel gossip and hate either…. because I am equally guilty of that too….

And just maybe…. in the midst of continuing to think about others…. in the midst of loving children and chowing them I care…. maybe I can find it in me to love those that don’t respect anything…. and maybe I can find it within me to keep a quiet mind…. a quiet soul and…. in return a quiet mouth…. to just be….. well at peace.