brokenness · death · family · healing · love of god · redeem · restore

A Promise is A Promise

Six-and-a-half years ago my dad unexpectedly died. A month before he passed my parents had just celebrated their milestone 30th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, they planned to take a trip to Hawaii, but… Well obviously, that didn’t happen.

Last week my mom turned 60-years-old. So, in true Winder Sister form and fashion, Bridget and I decided to honor my parents plans by taking her to Hawaii to celebrate.

Now if I’m honest, I was excited the entire time! However, as we zipped up, down and around the island for the week, I never really thought about Dad much. I never truly let myself experience the weight of what it means to honor my parents by fulfilling a promise that was made within the covenant of their marriage.

And so, it wasn’t until we were actually headed to the airport that the heaviness of it all began to hit me. 

You see… Sickness, disease and death sought to destroy the Winder Women by completely robbing us of life and dragging us down a long and sometimes dark path of brokenness, heartache and pain. However, that’s what’s so magnificent about restoration! It’s this beautiful, systematic process where God promises too deeply and divinely heal us from the darkness that has torn us apart: spirit, soul, heart and body.

And… Somewhere along the way, the healing becomes a fulfilled process in certain areas… And you’re able to look at the life (like we have with this trip) and confidently say, “Yeah, dad’s not here… Yes, life has been an emotional, painful, uncertain climb we sometimes didn’t believe we’d make it through; however, we are holding God to His promises. And His promises say, “He WILL vindicate us and bring life to every place the kingdom of darkness has stolen.” His promises say, “He WILL redeem, restore and then supply us with endless joy!” His promises say, “He WILL cultivate the grounds of our brokenness so that they can be made whole, and then we can walk in the maturity of His confidence, security and love.”

And so you see… It is completely healthy to walk through fire and then emerge refined, restored and redeemed. It’s completely healthy to emerge without an ounce of bitterness, anger, hate, heartache and insecurity. It’s completely healthy to emerge more equipped with a heavier, holier suit of armor than when you walked in. 

Because when you do… When you actually surrender your pain, heartache and brokenness to God, then He can come in with His great love and swallow up what the kingdom of darkness has stolen. And then… Then you can move forward to the other side with a healthy, whole and aligned spirit, soul, heart and body. And that side… That realm… That promised land is overflowing with an increase of LIFE…. Life that is beaming and vibrating with a higher frequency of honor, respect, love and gratitude towards God than you ever imagined possible. And it perpetually echos out, “A promise is a promise!” 🌱 #cultivatelife #winderwomen

disappointment · healing · lies, deception & manipulation · love of god · redeem · refine · restore

For the Love of God

“But the disappointment God… It’s SO heavy. I don’t want to feel it anymore. I don’t want to carry it anymore. Plus… Paired with the anger… The anger that’s still consuming 10% of my heart… Well the anger really makes the disappointment feel all consuming at times.”

This is me. This is me working through more brokenness with God. And… Well… You’d think, at this point, my healing would be complete in this area. But… it’s just SO deep. All of it. The brokenness touches every layer of my essence… From my human spirit, to my soul and then impacts my body in ways that it shouldn’t.

And I’ve forgiven. I’ve forgiven and chosen to move past a lot of the pain and heartache. But sometimes… Gosh sometimes I feel like the disappointment will never go away. And then I can’t seem to quite understand “why?” Why did it have to play out like this?

Actually… I’m not stupid. I understand “why,” but then I’d rather live in the deception of the past. The deception and manipulation was just so fanatical and illusive… Almost like I was living in a dream I’d never wake up from and have to take responsibility for.

But… Then… Well, I woke up from that dream several years ago and was forced to enter a world of truth and disappointment. And, some days (though they are few and far between) I still feel like I’m still waking up to an undiscovered layer of truth and disappointment.

So… what am I to do with layers upon layers of continued disappointment? Well that’s what I’ve been asking God.

And… Do you know what He keeps showing me?

Love.

Of course, it’s been way too simple for me to process at once. But everyday I hear Him say, “My love for you woke you up from the fanatical, illusive dream. My love for you drove out the lies, deception and manipulation you both created. My love protected you. It empowered you. It’s given you the ability to constantly move forward, one whole and complete step at a time. And maybe you still feel angry and disappointed. I don’t blame you. The deception was deep; however, keep focusing on My love. Keep your eyes anchored to My heart. For inside of it you will discover the healing your heart is seeking.” 🌱 #cultivatelife

disappointment · faith · healing · pain · redeem · refine · restore

Disrespected and Devalued

“I guess… I felt, well I felt deeply disrespected and devalued.”

That’s what I told Holy Spirit this morning as He attempted to peel away another layer of my soul that’s sick and dying.

You see I had a dream last night, and the dream reminded me of my past… My past where a significant amount of brokenness lies.

And I don’t want to get into the details, but you should know that allowing God to constantly and consistently heal all of my brokenness is my lifestyle. So… So I gave it to Him. I handed over the moments, the pain and the deep disrespect and devalue pressing up against my soul… I gave Him the stuff that’s been causing me to question areas of my life that should not be up for questioning because I am respected and admired by Him alone.

And I don’t know what’s on the other side of this. I thought I lived from a place of respect and value; however, if He’s bringing this to my attention, then I know in my heart I need to let Him have it so I can move forward freely.

And I also don’t know where you are today, but I believe the same for you…. I believe Holy Spirit is constantly on a mission to search out the hearts and souls of humanity so He can bring healing to us through Jesus Christ. And so I hope… I really truly hope you find all of the healing, love and peace your heart and soul are searching for 🌱 #cultivatelife

forgiveness · freedom · healing · holiness · redeem · restore · surrender

Dear God, Forgive Us

Dear God,

How do I describe America other than saying, “She’s like a teenager… Young… Wildly curious… Created with a divine purpose by You and You alone… But so desensitized, distracted, drugged up and desperate for real, true belonging, love and attention.”

She’s been mishandled by people seeking their own selfish, satanic agendas. People who would rather put themselves above the hearts and souls that inhabit her land.

And I’m asking You to forgive her. Forgive her for being misled, mismanaged and misguided. Forgive her for the pride, wickedness, hate and bitterness burning in her heart. Transform all that she is so she will become healthy, whole and wonderfully new and complete.

Open the eyes of her people… The ones standing at the bottom of this trick-like, phony, pyramid pony we’ve been deceived into serving. Open our eyes, humble our hearts and bring freedom, restoration and healing to our country.

I call all of the hearts and souls that love You and love You with his or her entire heart out of hiding and into the streets… Lord let them fill the streets of this broken nation in such a mighty way that healing spills from Your heart, to theirs and into the lives of the lost, sick and hurting.

God forgive us. Forgive us and do not let us be distracted or disengaged by the enemy and his plans any longer, but let us move forward as the war wages and battles are won for Your Kingdom and Your glory alone! 🌱👑 #cultivatelife

forgiveness · healing · higher way · redeem · refine · restore

Dear America, I’m Sorry

Dear America,

Land of the spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically enslaved, insecure and weak… I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we’ve become such a broken, run-down society… One that is so prone to every sickness and disease “they” feed us. I’m sorry our minds are so controlled and that we’ve lost touch with reality… That we’ve lost the vision of who God called us to be as a nation. I’m sorry that we’re so caught up in our devices and disorders that we miss the actual LIFE that’s happening around us.

I’m sorry that it takes us experiencing physical sickness, death and disease to realize we are spiritually sick and dying; and that we need to wake up and place our intangible needs… The needs of the heart and soul first!

I’m sorry we worship money in our hearts, but have the audacity to say, “thank you God” for all of the “stuff” we constantly accumulate. I’m sorry for what the “American Dream” has evolved into, and how we are so hyped on making money so we can afford more useless contraptions to make our oh so “difficult” lives simpler.

I’m sorry that we don’t have faith anymore… We badger God about miracles and healings, yet I ask, “Where is our nation’s faith? When is the last time a group of believers actually followed Holy Spirit out on the ledge and made it a lifestyle to depend on Him and Him alone for everything!?”

I’m sorry that we are so “proud to be American,” but not in a grateful or humble way… More so in a selfish, egotistical, no one will ever touch “us” way.

I’m sorry that we are sick, divided, decaying & dying… All while Satan (yes Satan) sits by and cashes in on our wickedness, bitterness, jealousy and hate… Cultivating a kingdom far greater than he should EVER have!

And I don’t know how we’ll change. I don’t know how God will restore this land with the power of Holy Spirit; however, I truly believe we are about to tip over an edge. And I hope… I truthfully hope with my entire heart that you come out of this alive America. And that you can be used to show the entire world how vital it is to believe and have faith in a being far greater than all of us… Because in Him and through Him is eternal life! 🌱 #cultivatelife

Fullness of Jesus · glory · goodness of god · healing · redeem · refine · restore

What A Wonderful Life

This is my grandmother. You know she was healed in 1975 of a rare bone condition. Yep… On her death bed, in a neck brace and body cast for 19 1/2 years, didn’t have feeling in more than half of her body BUT the power of God’s Holy Spirit transformed her in a single moment.

I miss her. I miss her a lot.

You know… After she was healed, Holy Spirit led she and my grandfather into full-time ministry. She would lay hands on the sick and they were made well through Jesus. She would speak to darkness, demons and things that scare the majority of us and they would flee. People began to live freer, fuller lives after experiencing the power of Holy Spirit inside of her.

You know… If you google “Delores Winder” you probably won’t find much more than a few videos of a tiny woman, with white hair, blue eyes that pierce your soul and a voice that sounds so strange yet captivating.

I always wanted to be just like her. Not the physical attributes… The spiritual ones.

You know… We butted heads a lot. Especially when I’d take the things she taught me and advance them for today’s culture. I always saw the world a little bit different. I always saw so much capacity for restoration, transformation and cultivation on a world-scale.

But gosh… To follow Him like she did… With so much ease that God was “taking care of things.” To have the faith that He would keep providing more than enough because that’s who He is and has always been. To just stay in the present moment and be like Jesus. Those… Those are still goals.

And maybe… Maybe I’m more like her than I even realize; however, I do believe the way she chose to live is one of the main reasons I keep choosing to live like this. To be constantly full of God’s presence, of love, of joy, of peace and of prosperity…. What a wonderful life! 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

death · grateful · grief · healing · pain · redeem · restore

Time… A Healer?

I’ve heard it said at least a thousand times now, “Time… Time will help you heal from the death and great absence of your father.. Time will make it easier to live without him”…

And I hate to be the barer of bad news… But… Time, I’m sorry… You haven’t been my source of healing…

For me, experiences, people, places and just Life in general have made it easier to live without him…

New experiences have shaped the way my mind thinks and the the way I feel…

New people have helped open my eyes to see how relatable I’ve become to a group of people I was never relatable to before…

New places have given me the opportunity to try new things…

And Life… Life you’ve given me so much… I feel like you and Death have worked together with Father God to help me heal in ways I never thought I’d be healed… Because you’ve even helped heal things in my soul that became broken before the death of my father…

And so… With all due respect to Time, I’d like to give the credit to other things for a moment…

Because without Father God’s love, Life’s newness and Death’s reality… Well I wouldn’t be who I am right now…

And I am so grateful for the woman I am right now… For the woman I’ve become…

And as hard as it is to admit, I am grateful for the death of my father… It’s made me stronger, wiser, bolder, more confident…

His absence has helped me appreciate Life and my own life so much more… It’s given me so much grace, compassion and love in my heart to share with others…

And, most importantly, it’s helped shape my destiny and purpose in life more than any experience I’ve ever had…

So, again, Time with all due respect… I’d like to simply shine a light on the healing power of Father God, Life and Death for a brief moment… I’d like to shine a light, and then encourage anyone that might feel broken and lost without someone you’ve cherished so dearly in Life… Please know, I’ve felt the same way… I’ve cried myself to sleep at night in disbelief of this trajedy… And I’ve even yelled and screamed and done things that weren’t healthy… All in an effort to make the pain and hurt go away… But then I’ve also learned, newness… The embrace of newness in the time of loss and grief, it’s pivotal moving forward… To moving upward and onward… To becoming a complete and whole person again…

capacity · change · death · healing · process · redeem · restore

Closure…

Why is it so hard to walk away from something we love so much?.. Why did God place a heart inside of us that can so easily find the good in a person, love that person and then ask us to walk away from that goodness?… From relationships that were cultivated so well and meant so much for so long?…

Before this week, if you had asked me if there was closure in this area of my life, I would’ve said, “yes”… Because there would’ve been no doubt in my mind that that chapter of my life had come to an end…

But then, well this week I’ve found myself with all of these thoughts… Constantly pacing around in my mind… Overtaking and smoothering the light from my soul…

It’s been somewhat of a war in me…

And I haven’t wanted to talk about it… I mean, this was supposed to be dead inside of me… Over and in the past… Because I made that clear in my mind when I took a job in California 3 years ago… 

But, maybe I hid the truth from myself… I’ve been known to do that in the past… So I can see how it’s possible…

And that’s why I need to completely lay all of this down now… Before God… And I need his Spirit to come in now and completely fill what’s feels lacking and without… To show me that this continues to be the best decision that I can make in this area of my life…

And I don’t know if you’re going through something similar… A place in life where closure needs to happen so that you can move forward… So that you can have God’s best for your life…

So, if you are going through this, please know that you aren’t alone at all… That deep within me, I’m having to sort through what I feel versus what I know in my soul needs to happen… 

That closure, in this moment, has to become a part of my lifestyle…