Spirit

Spring…. Spiritual Growth¬†

It’s Spring… And somehow I always tend to forget what Spring means for me spiritually… What’s it’s meant to me for the last 10 years…It usually sneaks up on me in the most unusual way… This area of life that I need growth in… That I need work on…

In one way or another… Well I find the Holg Spirit challenging my soul to grow… To grow deeper and become stronger…

And it’s not always easy… And it’s usually different every Spring… And I usually don’t like it…

Of course in hind sight… Well in hinge sight I’m so grateful for the past Springs of spiritual growth… Because they’ve truly helped shape me into how I’ve become today…

But being in the midst of it… Well that’s a different story…

Because as much as I’d like to be completely confident… Well I see cracks… Areas where I’m not so confident… Where insecurity is leaking all over the place… And I feel like I need a towel to clean the mess of myself up…

But then in the midst… Well I’m reminded that this is part of life… Part of my life specifically… Part of choosing to continue to follow even when I can’t see what next…

And in this moment… Well I am a little nervous… Not as nervous as five years ago… Two years ago… Or even last year… But I’m still nervous…

But I feel like through it all I’m about to press through this season of spiritual growth… Which encourages me to just keep living in today…

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Beauty from Pain

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Why was I crying?…. Why was I crying because a 12 year old is so upset?… Why did her tears move me to that point?…. Why do I find myself in this emotional nonsense?…. Why do I care so much?….

I’ve been asking myself these questions all morning… Since leaving work yesterday…. Having a 12 year old cause me to cry…. Because she’s upset and her world is changing and it hurts my heart….

But why? Why do I all of a sudden feel so torn for her? So sad and broken for her? All I could do was sit in a chair at home and cry…. And then I found myself laying on my bed crying…. Sad because I know deep within me there’s nothing I can truly do….

I can try to make a difference…. I’ve been trying…. I’ve been trying with her since I got hired… And I’m doing something right because she doesn’t want me to ever “leave”…. But I still feel like it’s not enough… Like I can do more… Like I’m capable of doing more…

And I hurt for her… I hurt so badly for her…. I feel like someone just messed with one of my kids… Only now there’s nothing I can do about it really…

This must be how my mom felt… How she felt when I was growing up and going through things…. She would be so sad for me… And she would love on me and tell me things would change…

And life has gotten better for me… Increasingly better with every new stage I enter… I take moments as stepping stones for something better… greater… and of course another part of my story…

But now I sit here and I wonder “what I am going to tell this child?” She’s in pain…. But it’s pain that can mold her… Shape her into a better individual…

At the end of the day… She can leave… She can exit her 24 hours with yesterday on a positive note because moments like last night help you grow… They aren’t always just and true and right… But they are part of life… Part of the world we live in… And part of situations we encounter…

And if we allow them… they can make us bitter or better… They can cause us to turn what looks like a mess into something spectacular and beautiful… They can cause chaos and our hectic reality to make sense…

I truly hope…. One day… In the future… this 12 year old can look back and see how this moment… this moment of hurt and pain…. this moment of disappointment and raw reality… well I hope she can see that it helped her become who she is today…. who she is for the better…

Because if she can’t…. If she can’t then I haven’t done my job well enough… I have given enough love and enough hope and spread enough motivation and encouragement…

But if she can…. Then she’s going to have a powerful story… One of love of self… self acceptance… and at the end… she’ll be able to see that life… well life.. I believe… is about taking something ugly…. something dark and gross and disgusting and turning it into something beautiful….

And I believe this can happen… I have to believe…. It’s what ll I have right now…