darkness · death · just live · vulnerability

One Present Moment

Can I be honest?… I think about life and death A LOT!

Seriously though… I think about the reality of mortality and what it means to be fully alive on the inside constantly.

Now, recently the Holy Spirit said, “Just live this summer Amanda. Take the next three months and really focus your attention on living.” Of course I needed to know what He meant… So I asked, and this is what He said…

“When you focus your attention on the past, you’re focusing on death. When you focus your attention on the future, you’re too focused on life. I’m asking you to focus your attention… To focus all of who you are on living. And to focus yourself on living is to focus on just being. I know it’s a lot to ask… Especially with your culture, and the anticipation it has to be in tomorrow. But I just need you to do this. I need you to continue to cultivate this habit until it becomes your lifestyle.”

And I don’t really know how this will shift who I am; however; I’ve already begun to realize how stupid I am for ignoring the present.

You see if you’re anything like me then you’ll understand what it feels like to be miserably obsessed with getting to tomorrow. It’s a constant state of not allowing today to be enough because we’ve been taught to fear being content with the present. It’s almost like it’s taboo to say, “I’m choosing to be fully present today.”

But you know… If I can’t get my mind off of tomorrow and I’m constantly thinking about what it will produce, well then I think I’ll wake up one day in my 70s and realize I’ve wasted my life away by being too concerned about tomorrow. I’ll miss the opportunity life gave me to just live and be fully alive from the inside out.

And I’m not saying choosing to just live means I’m going to become lazy or inactive… But what I am saying is I’m trying to make a better attempt at fully leaving the past in the past and allowing the future to unfold one present moment at a time. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

Fullness of Jesus · higher way · just live · life

Simply Alive

Being alive… What a thought… I mean, you are alive right?!?

I hope you’re always growing: spirit, soul and body. I hope you’re always open to development, maturity and growth from the inside out.

Because it’s a challenge to do that today ya know? Our world is filled with technology. And while it’s good in some respects, it really has stripped the world of it’s natural process to just be alive and thrive from a spiritual perspective.

You see being alive to me has always meant that we are connected to a source… We have to bring our failures and mistakes to God. We have to rely on Him to help us get through the lowest of the lows. And then we also must allow Him to supply us with everything we need, day in and out.

And I know it seems like a funny way to be… A strange way to live. And I’m sure I sound strange to some… But it’s just because I’ve chosen to live differently. I’ve chosen to keep my heart and mind open to the things of God, rather than the things of the world and the church.

Because I believe there’s a time coming (it might even be here now) where we’ll need to have an authentic, real and unaltered connection to the divine. Something that is stable and secure… Something that the world and the church didn’t build for us, but that we worked with God in relationship to structure.

And I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I hope that you’re growing spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I hope you’re not on autopilot just waiting for your next instruction from some higher up social figure. I hope that you are simply alive! 🌷🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

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Body · heart · soul · vulnerability

The Woman I Want to Be….


Being honest with myself is a treasure… Sometimes I fear that I’m not honest enough… That I hide things from myself in order to protect me from reality…

Other times I think I’m too honest with myself… Too hard on me… Too real with the person that I am… And not focused enough on the person that I’ve become through the process of life…

But lately I’ve had these thoughts… And that’s what they are right now… Just thoughts… Thoughts about the woman I want to be…

But the way I’ve chosen to think this over doesn’t involve criticism… It more involves curiosity and hope…

Because as I see myself getting older… Growing up more and more… I have to admit… I’m not some college aged kid anymore… But I don’t feel like an adult either… Sure I do adult things like working a full-time, nonstop job, paying bills and constantly cleaning house… But I still don’t feel like an adult…

And I’m not sure what point in life decides that we are adults… Maybe when I’m thirty I’ll realize that I’m finally an adult… But today… Today in this moment… Well I am searching some for the woman I want to be…

So in all honesty… As I look at women I admire… Well I see them as very strong, spiritual backbones and pillars of their homes… And I don’t mean the churchy, preachy, scripture reading woman I grew up around… I mean legit women who aren’t all that afraid of anything… Women that are vulnerable and honest… That have experience to draw from… And that are full of wisdom… Not knowledge and understanding…

Because one day I hope to be able to provide my family and children with practical advice that works and that can make their lives easier to manage and sail through…

It’s funny to think how my life has evolved and come to this point… Because through the decisions I’ve made it’s at a place where it could and can go absolutely anywhere…

And I don’t know where it will go… Where I might end up next… But I do see my next direction…. And it’s simply based upon the woman that I want to become… The woman that I want to grow into… The truth of myself that I want to leave behind in the lives of others…

And for me… Right now… Well I think it’s exactly where I need to be….

darkness · death · soul · vulnerability

Being Human…

Why are we considered human once we’ve gone through tragedy?… What does it make us realer?… More reachable and accepting….

I’ve been thinking about that for the last 24 hours… And I continue to think about the amount of compassion and understanding that follows a tragedy…

Once we’ve been affected in a certain way…. Well it seems like we’re just more open… More willing to understand life…

So then my question is… Do we need tragedies?… Pain… Suffering… Deep, deep hurt?… Are those things necessary in a sense to draw us closer?… And if so, well why?…

And I know it’s not my job to ask questions like this anymore… But I do wonder… And I am curious… Curious about it all… Because it seems like these intense moments of pain help shape who we are… They can really give us a real factor… A reality check… An awareness of how alive and short life truly is…

And in the midst of it… Well I find myself more loving and accepting of the people around me… And then I find myself irritated when I’m not understanding enough… I’ll think “come on Amanda, you can do better than that. You can be kinder than that. You can consider what that person is or might be going through.”….

Because at the end of the day… Well what if that one of the purposes of this life… To accept ourselves and others… Flaws and all… Misunderstanding included… To just reach out and say, “I see that life is taking you up a giant mountain, but it’s okay because I’m not going to judge you. I’m not going to talk down about you. And I’m not going to make your load heavier as your climb. I’m just going to stand by you and walk and encourage.”…

I wish I could always be that way… Encouraging and inspiring towards those around me… Understanding enough to realize I don’t understand it all… And that I just need to be kind… But I guess that’s part of the learning curve of life….

And I also think it’s part of me taking the tragedy I’ve been through… The one that’s still fresh… Still new… And allowing it to be what it is… Allowing it to remind me that I am only human… And that those around me are human as well… And that they’ve probably faced something much worse than me…

So if that’s where I am in this moment… In this space and time… Well I’ll take it…

just live

Just Be


I’m learning that the more I lived in the moment…. the here and now…. well…. the least stressed, anxious and worried I am.

I’m learning that’s it’s much better to be…. to just be.

To be here and now and present…..

And I can’t really describe what that’s like, but it’s much more amazing than the place I’ve been living from…. a place that was constantly focused on yesterday or tomorrow.

But within just being…. well there’s something beautiful.

I had a conversation the other day that caused me to pose several questions. Why do we have to label ourselves and others? Why is it nerdy for one person to build a board game with castles and roads, but it’s cool for me to nanny for a former super model?

Who decided these things? I’m watching kids all day, and I love it…. but who decided that what I do is much cooler than what someone spent hours toiling over?…. and why do we care so much to label people as cool, lame, boring, nerdy, bitchy and dramatic?

I understand it’s not in human nature to get a long with everyone, and we should all have somewhere we feel comfortable and vulnerable enough to share ourselves…. but in the midst of it….. why do we have to label it all?

Some labels have negative connotations. Just because someone is nerdy, weird or lame…. well that doesn’t mean they aren’t fascinating people to meet and get to know…. and just because some is cool, fun to be around and bitchy…. well that doesn’t mean they aren’t equally good to meet and get to know as well.

I feel like we’ve set so many unnecessary standards with our words… the way we label people… and what we see at first glance…. like we don’t take the time to look deeper into someone and discover what they’re really made of… who they like to be….. just be….

Because in a sense, I believe we all have moments of just being…. moments that truly make us who we are…. where we express ourselves at our highest form and are truly vulnerable enough to share our hearts with the world…. and within that we are just being…. and just being is brave…. brave and beautiful.

We find this in a lot of artist….. their work shows us what being is all about… it shows us that regardless of all the labels that are so surface…. well there’s so much more underneath it all….

And I don’t really know why I’m writing this…. maybe it’s because as I discover myself and figure out who I am and what I want…. I kind of get offended when I hear others being labeled…. because there is so much more to a person than that label…. may it be good or bad.

And I guess it kind of challenges me in a way to look for something other than a generic label the next time I meet someone new or talk to someone I know….. to really find what’s inside of them that’s good, honest and true and allow that to be my focal point.

Plus who cares if they’re lame, boring, bitchy, cool or nerdy…. there’s something we all do well…. and we should be recognized be it…. because within it…. I believe it’s when we are just being….. well an individual.