Jaded Heart?

Unfortunately, it’s been quite a challenge to accept God’s love lately. I’ve just been so caught up in pain, anger, bitterness and sorrow. And, for a brief moment, I almost let them talk me into hardening my heart.

You see… I could feel this wave of emotion and constant thought trying to push their way into my heart so that they could completely own it. I knew the feelings and thoughts weren’t my own though. In my heart I knew they belonged to an outside threat. Something wickedly supernatural that was begging me to follow it over the love of God.

And I do suppose the pain, anger, bitterness and sorrow are a direct result of loss. Sometimes I just feel like I’ve lost so much that I focus on my losses far more than my gains. I look at the past and how painful things have been, rather than focusing my attention to the present where love is.

However, I’m happy to report that my heart hasn’t been overtaken by these dark forces. Instead, I’ve chosen to place my constant focus on forgiveness, grace and love.

And… Honestly, that route has been a challenge too because life and death keep giving me reasons to become angry, bitter and somewhat jaded. But, well I just can’t stand the feeling of their presence anymore.

You see I enjoy feeling the love of God and then giving it back to others way more than I enjoy sulking around like the plague. And so I hope, I genuinely hope the pursuit of forgiveness, grace and love I am focused towards takes me places I never imagined to go. I hope they open avenues, windows and doors I never dreamed of walking through . And… most importantly, I hope they remain my constant way of life. ♥️ #cultivatelife

Downfall of Bitterness

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Death has a strange way of bringing out the truth in people…. Seriously…. all of a sudden you can ask questions and hear people express their opinions… How they truly felt about the individual… How they truly felt in certain situations throughout the deceased life….

But what happens when you hear something that hurts you?… Something that disappoints you and really brings you down?….

I had an experience like this a few months ago… Right after dad died…. I heard someone say something… Directly to me about my dad… And it actually hurt me… It hurt me worse than I thought… I feel a little offended….

Offended because I always knew something like that existed between those two… This form of resentment towards dad…. A strange kind of bitterness…. Thinking that dad wasn’t the best….

Honestly… I’m a pissed off about it… But I can’t hold it inside anymore…. It’s hurting me… And I don’t want to be offended with someone… I don’t want to hold anger and resentment towards someone that I should love… But it just sucks to know someone’s true thoughts and feelings… Because…. they aren’t a secret anymore…

So… what do I do with it all?… That moment…. The moment where I asked a question and got a nasty response… that moment was abrupt…. pretty raw and in my face…. and I felt a little targeted… I felt too much emotion from the person saying it….

And it didn’t seem just that we were having that conversation…. It almost felt like the person was happy in a sick way that dad was dead…. That he was dead and buried and never coming back….

And I really hate feeling negative towards this person…. Feeling resentment… Feeling a little bitter…. Like they wronged me in some way….

And I’m talking my way through this because it’s helping me gain a better grasp on bitterness… It’s helping me understand… And it’s laying all of the pieces out in front of me…

I guess I was never wronged…. Just felt targeted because dad wasn’t there to defend himself…. He wasn’t there to say anything… And I didn’t know what to say… Only to think “well that’s what I’ve thought all of these years”….

And I feel like the more I express this… the more I unravel different people and things I’m offended with and bitter with and about… well the more I’ll continue to learn about this opponent of mine named bitterness… The one that continues to come up against me in the game of life…

I feel like he knows every move I’m about to make and he takes me down every time…. Like if we were playing football and I was the quarterback…. well he would have an amazing sack record because I never have the chance to throw the ball or make a play when he’s on the field…. I’m down and done for before I can even think or see…

So… in this moment…. I want to acknowledge that I’m learning the patterns and the plays that bitterness continues to run in my life… And I promise myself that one day…. I’m going to live without bitterness taking me down….

It’s just a process…. A process of making mistakes, failing, learning, becoming better, and hoping that one day I’ll be able to truly have a moment like I did yesterday…. The one were I realized how much pride has left my life and how willing I am to be humble to learn and become better….

Because having moments like that…. The moments where you see that you’ve continued to follow the course and that it’s produced goodness… Those are amazing moments… And they help you move forward and give you the encouragement and hope for more moments like that….

And as for the person I’m offended with… well…. I’ll find someway to forgive them… Someway to understand that what they said wasn’t just, but me being bitter isn’t just either…. So both of us are trying to play a game we can’t even play…. And then I’ll just let it go… Because that’s what will make me a more peaceful person at the end of the day….

Bitterness

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What’s the hardest part about death? Well, I don’t know yet.. The pain is real but it’s a different kind of pain. I’ve never experienced pain like this before and I don’t know how to describe it yet. I think it’s such a mixture of thoughts and feelings… Just the idea of being fatherless is so much and I don’t want my mind to go there at all. I’ve always admired my dad so much… So to have a conversation and say, “my dad used to be this way…” Well…. It sucks. He’s in the past. Like mom said, “52 forever now.”

And this pain doesn’t just included me… it extends to my family and friends of my family and father… And the extent of our pain is heavy… But I don’t know how to describe it at all. It’s unfriendly pain that reminds me of awful truth… And like medicine distracts us of pain… well… I’m using conversations, my computer and even writing to distract me from this pain. Because helping finish dad’s house is a distraction within itself. The pain is obviously there, but I’m so consumed with phone calls, number and estimates. But it’s hard to face it all at once… and I feel like it needs to be broken down into increments… because how in the world would I handle it all at once?

And, I’ve been asked if my angry… well, right now I’m not angry.. But honestly I think my goal is to stay free from bitterness. It would be so easy for me to become bitter right now… So easy. Bitterness is already there. There’s a fertile ground to cultivate on… so my job is to make sure it doesn’t grow at all. Which is a challenge within itself because it’s easy to feel like I’ve been wronged… Like the situation has wronged me… Like dad has wronged us in not taking care of his health… Like others have wronged us and dad in not taking care of their business so a miracle could happen.

But, if I choose to be bitter… if I choose to take on the feeling “I’ve been wronged. We’ve been wronged….” well I would be allowing a sickness, a sickness that killed my father to grow and possibly make me sick. And it’s not worth it. I feel wronged, but it’s not worth it to carry it around.

Last night, Bridge brought the hammer down on me and mom. She completely tore us apart in love over our bitterness because she doesn’t want to see us sick and she does want us to find good, loving things in others that we are becoming bitter with. She’s much more understanding in this situation. Of course, I threw up my, “well, I’m trying to protect myself and not be controlled again.” Which is true, but I can be better. I can be better and use unconditional love. I’m not stupid.. and honestly it feels good to bring others down when I feel pain like this. It’s not right or just and I’m sure God hates it… but it makes me feel better in an evil way to pick on someone else because I feel wronged.

And maybe a huge junk of my pain will leave when I choose to stop feeling wronged. When I choose to just let it all go and move forward. My dad would encourage me to let it go. He always encouraged me to let it go when I felt wronged by this person. He would look at me and say, “pooch, just love her and give her a break. She may not ever understand.” And I ask how many times do I have to let things go with her? And I know deep down I should let it go every single time. Bridge told us to find the good. Find the good that maybe no one’s ever shown her before because they’re too focused on other things. So… this week, I will try and find the good. I will honestly try to become better and not bitter.