Reacting to the Noise…

If the journey of life is really, truly about the process… About the ups and downs we feel emotionally, then I am right on time…

Because my soul feels down… Like it’s dragging around in the tangibleness of life…

I am an emotional being… I get overwhelmed when life doesn’t work out the handful of ways I believed it would… I get angry with God over expectations I create around things He’s placed and spoken in my life… I explain, “You put me on this path… Why isn’t it working?!”

And then I am quickly reminded that I steered the path in my mind the direction I wanted it to go…

And when this happens, I loose quality of life…Because I become overwhelmed, overworked and feisty…

My sister said the wisest thing to me yesterday… “Amanda I think you need to learn to react to situations better… To not overreact or underreact, but just maintain a lifestyle of grace and peace… To just be…”

And I believe this is vital for me… For the health of my soul… Because my spirit constantly longs to be in God’s presence, to just connect and stay connected… To never leave Him… But then my soul longs for all sorts of things… It gets pulled whereever I lead it in that moment… Which causes it to become overwhelmed by the world, my life and the lives of others…

There’s so much noise… Too much noise…

And my reaction to the noise of life is poor… I look at the tangible and it overwhelms me… Because it is continuing to crumble very quickly… My dad, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather (has been moved to Texas), their homes, our home…

Where do we go?.. What do we do?.. It’s all still changing quickly…

And though I know my identity cannot lie in anything tangible, I find myself clinging to it- All of it… It’s my childhood… My youth… All that I know… It feels like it’s coming to an end… A quick end, and I have absolutely no control over it at all…

Plus, I’m starting a business, meaning. I don’t have the funds to “save” all of these “things”…

And this is where I believe my ability to react comes in… Because in God’s presence, my soul becomes quite enough to just be

So my reactions must become a series of being… A constant stance in the midst of our shaking world… A tree firmly planted, unmovable on the foundation of God…

Because I believe being firmly planted in God and His presence is where I am made healthy and completely whole: spirit, soul and body…

 

My Unorganized Reality…

My spirit sees… It feels something deep within… At my core… At my core I cannot and will not be moved…

But then… Then my mind gets in the way… And I begin to toss around my reality…

I begin to question what I see with my eyes… What I hear with my ears… And what I experience in the world around me…

And that can and does overwhelm me some… Not a lot, but enough to actually think, “How is this all going to come together the way it’s been designed?”…

And honestly… Honestly I need to be encouraged… Encouraged to believe that I won’t become jaded, hurt and in pain again… I don’t want to feel the type of emotional pain I experienced 3 years ago ever again… And so I remain guarded to some extent… And all together pushy and sassy with the people I love because I do feel like I need to protect myself, my thoughts and my emotions…

And in these moments… Well, I miss my dad’s encouragement more than I ever dreamed I would…

And I know God is there… That He is very willing and able to encourage my every movement… But then… Well sometimes I just want what’s tangible… What I know without a doubt I can see with my eyes… Because hearing His voice with my ears doesn’t seem to be enough…

But then I also feel challenged… Challenged and all together flat out motivated to just move forward…

Because this is all I have and it’s finally enough… And my passion to find and reveal God in all things is so apparent… It’s who I am…

So then… How do I overcome the thoughts of my reality?… The ones that ask what tomorrow will bring… Because for me, in this life I’m living, my moments, days, weeks and months are completely unplanned… I don’t know what will come next… I’ve just chosen to ride the wave of all of it… To stay organized and structured and firm within it, but to not plan too much of it… And to just be prepared for the unknown, uncomfortable and unorganized reality I’ll bump in to…

Scattered Spagetti… 

About a week ago I pulled a box of spaghetti noodles out to cook for mom…

If you know me well… Well then you know I had a million things going on around me and in my head…

And so I thought, “I’ll just cook this quickly and move to the next thing”…

Well… Quickly didn’t exactly happen in that moment…

I was moving so fast that I missed the bottom of the box was open…

Meaning I spilt noodles everywhere…

And from there… Well… It was like a game of pick-up sticks…

We all laughed at the mess… I mean what else was I supposed to do?!… Right.??!

But honestly… Honestly I wish life felt that way sometimes…

That I could just laugh at the fact that life seems as though it’s been turned upside down for my family…

I wish I could laugh and pick up the pieces one by one…

I wish I could laugh and see my moms life come together strategically… To see her happy and not depressed… With more life…

But it doesn’t seem like it’s happening that way…

Instead… Sometimes I feel like I just want to lay on the ground and cry because I just split dinner all over the floor and there’s so much to do…

But then that’s when God reminds me that everything will get done in His timing…

And that finding things to love about this reality is as healthy as seeing the things that I hate…

And that, piece by piece, He’ll show us all how to pick up everything that seems so scattered…

And I believe that’s the best attitude I can just live with in this moment…