challenge · identity · Spirit · unshaken

My Unorganized Reality…

My spirit sees… It feels something deep within… At my core… At my core I cannot and will not be moved…

But then… Then my mind gets in the way… And I begin to toss around my reality…

I begin to question what I see with my eyes… What I hear with my ears… And what I experience in the world around me…

And that can and does overwhelm me some… Not a lot, but enough to actually think, “How is this all going to come together the way it’s been designed?”…

And honestly… Honestly I need to be encouraged… Encouraged to believe that I won’t become jaded, hurt and in pain again… I don’t want to feel the type of emotional pain I experienced 3 years ago ever again… And so I remain guarded to some extent… And all together pushy and sassy with the people I love because I do feel like I need to protect myself, my thoughts and my emotions…

And in these moments… Well, I miss my dad’s encouragement more than I ever dreamed I would…

And I know God is there… That He is very willing and able to encourage my every movement… But then… Well sometimes I just want what’s tangible… What I know without a doubt I can see with my eyes… Because hearing His voice with my ears doesn’t seem to be enough…

But then I also feel challenged… Challenged and all together flat out motivated to just move forward…

Because this is all I have and it’s finally enough… And my passion to find and reveal God in all things is so apparent… It’s who I am…

So then… How do I overcome the thoughts of my reality?… The ones that ask what tomorrow will bring… Because for me, in this life I’m living, my moments, days, weeks and months are completely unplanned… I don’t know what will come next… I’ve just chosen to ride the wave of all of it… To stay organized and structured and firm within it, but to not plan too much of it… And to just be prepared for the unknown, uncomfortable and unorganized reality I’ll bump in to…

Mind · soul

Scattered Spagetti… 

About a week ago I pulled a box of spaghetti noodles out to cook for mom…

If you know me well… Well then you know I had a million things going on around me and in my head…

And so I thought, “I’ll just cook this quickly and move to the next thing”…

Well… Quickly didn’t exactly happen in that moment…

I was moving so fast that I missed the bottom of the box was open…

Meaning I spilt noodles everywhere…

And from there… Well… It was like a game of pick-up sticks…

We all laughed at the mess… I mean what else was I supposed to do?!… Right.??!

But honestly… Honestly I wish life felt that way sometimes…

That I could just laugh at the fact that life seems as though it’s been turned upside down for my family…

I wish I could laugh and pick up the pieces one by one…

I wish I could laugh and see my moms life come together strategically… To see her happy and not depressed… With more life…

But it doesn’t seem like it’s happening that way…

Instead… Sometimes I feel like I just want to lay on the ground and cry because I just split dinner all over the floor and there’s so much to do…

But then that’s when God reminds me that everything will get done in His timing…

And that finding things to love about this reality is as healthy as seeing the things that I hate…

And that, piece by piece, He’ll show us all how to pick up everything that seems so scattered…

And I believe that’s the best attitude I can just live with in this moment…