After I lost my dad, one of my biggest challenges was the reality that I felt like there wasn’t anyone there to take care of “me” anymore.
For 25 years he was ALWAYS there… In my corner… Watching out for me… Protecting me from potential harm.
So it was challenging to say the least to lose him. And then to lose my grandparents. And then mom was in a serious healing phase, so at times it felt like she couldn’t be there for me either because she had to be there for herself.
And you know, those feelings… They were dark. So dark that I’d sit and cry a lot! I’d cry about my loss. I’d cry about my lack. And more than anything I’d cry about HOW in the world I’d ever feel like someone was looking out for me again.
And I knew in my heart it was possible to fully rely on God, His love and His kingdom for protection and support. I knew in my heart that He was the One that was always designated to fulfill that role inside of me; however, I didn’t believe it because I didn’t “need” it.
In my head, that role was rightfully filled by dad.
But gosh… I was wrong. You see I learned through experience that I needed God’s reliability more than I ever needed dad’s. Sure dad’s was superb, but God’s is unmatched!
And so this is where I stand today… My entire world has shifted. I no longer feel the innate need for a human being to be there for me because my heart believes in and relies on God’s ability to always be there for me. Over the past 6 1/2 years, He’s stepped in and showed me that I can constantly rely on Him for ALL that I need. And honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Would you? 🌱⚔️🛡 #cultivatelife
I cried on the train this morning. I cried on the train this morning because it’s time to take another risk… Another gamble… Another giant leap of faith forward with God.
And you know what? That’s still challenging for me.
It’s still challenging to go, “You want me to do what next?! I’m tired of this journey. It’s long. It feels fruitless and frustrating at times. And do you see the world God? Wickedness is prospering like wildfire. The masses are distracted by the illusion of “life.” People are sick from the inside out. People are claiming “love” when it’s really just tolerance and acceptance. People have forgotten about YOU!!! When does it end? When does your Spirit breakthrough so healing can begin?!?!”
So I cried on the train this morning.
And then I felt a little bit better. And I wiped my tears out from under my big, brownish colored sunglasses. And I moved forward. I moved forward in the best way I know… With all of the faith, hope and love Father God has stored deep inside of me. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive
I laid in bed the night before last and wanted to cry because I felt so weak… So emotional… So caught in the chaos and frustration of life.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Life is good. Life is very, very good. But… Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I do cry. I cry about the loss of life my family has experienced. I cry about how God is going to seemingly continue to restore everything and make sense of the pain I feel. I cry because I am weak, and only made strong and stable through Him alone.
It’s funny, people say to me all the time, “Amanda, you’re so strong. You’ve encountered so much and been through so much adversity. You handle it so well. You’re just so strong.”
And as true as my strength appears, none of it… not a single ounce… is found within myself. God literally allowed my world to shake so hard, to the point that there was nothing left to hold onto but Him.
And so when life reminds me of loss… When it reminds me of pain… When I’m left in a constant haze of “why” followed by streams of tears down my face… Well I remember that He’s there. I remember that God is sitting with me while I sit in my closet and cry, hoping for a solution to this madness called life. I remember that my pursuit of Him is the only solution I’ll ever need because He is the only One that keeps me consistently full, at peace and alive! 💃🏻⚔️🎄 #cultivatelife