I Cried

I cried on the train this morning. I cried on the train this morning because it’s time to take another risk… Another gamble… Another giant leap of faith forward with God.

And you know what? That’s still challenging for me.

It’s still challenging to go, “You want me to do what next?! I’m tired of this journey. It’s long. It feels fruitless and frustrating at times. And do you see the world God? Wickedness is prospering like wildfire. The masses are distracted by the illusion of “life.” People are sick from the inside out. People are claiming “love” when it’s really just tolerance and acceptance. People have forgotten about YOU!!! When does it end? When does your Spirit breakthrough so healing can begin?!?!”

So I cried on the train this morning.

And then I felt a little bit better. And I wiped my tears out from under my big, brownish colored sunglasses. And I moved forward. I moved forward in the best way I know… With all of the faith, hope and love Father God has stored deep inside of me. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

I Cry

I laid in bed the night before last and wanted to cry because I felt so weak… So emotional… So caught in the chaos and frustration of life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Life is good. Life is very, very good. But… Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I do cry. I cry about the loss of life my family has experienced. I cry about how God is going to seemingly continue to restore everything and make sense of the pain I feel. I cry because I am weak, and only made strong and stable through Him alone.

It’s funny, people say to me all the time, “Amanda, you’re so strong. You’ve encountered so much and been through so much adversity. You handle it so well. You’re just so strong.”

And as true as my strength appears, none of it… not a single ounce… is found within myself. God literally allowed my world to shake so hard, to the point that there was nothing left to hold onto but Him.

And so when life reminds me of loss… When it reminds me of pain… When I’m left in a constant haze of “why” followed by streams of tears down my face… Well I remember that He’s there. I remember that God is sitting with me while I sit in my closet and cry, hoping for a solution to this madness called life. I remember that my pursuit of Him is the only solution I’ll ever need because He is the only One that keeps me consistently full, at peace and alive! 💃🏻⚔️🎄 #cultivatelife

Just Tears and Love…

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Sometimes pain isn’t evident until you have something to provoke it….
You feel fine and life is just moving along… And then something reminds you that there’s still a gap in your life… And that life became so much realer… So much more authentic and true with death…
And there’s nothing you can do but cry… Not that crying makes it better… It does help you feel better… But it doesn’t make the situation better… It doesn’t bring someone back from the dead… And it doesn’t give the person you are hurting for what they need in that moment….
So it’s just tears… And they won’t stop… And they don’t stop… Because it feels like every one that falls from your face is followed with a thought… A memory… Things that remind you of what’s true in this life… And how you can’t change the situation… And how you just kinda have to work with what you have… How you have to be the person you were created to be…
And I guess that’s how I feel right now… Weighed down with what I see in my present life… Weighed down so much that it hurts me… And then it causes me to feel pain in other ways… It causes me to remember the pain of dad not being here…
But at the same time it causes me to be grateful that I had a parent that cared so much about me… sometimes it felt like too much…
So then i’m stuck… stuck without knowing what to do next… How do you keep loving someone who doesn’t know love?… How can you be insured they will be taken care of when you are gone?… When you aren’t a part of their life anymore…
This is what I question… This is what I don’t have answers for…
And I know deep down I should believe that love is enough… That the simple ability to be there and care is enough… But I still question… I still wonder… And I still find myself hurting for those that are in hurting in a way that i can’t really imagine…
But maybe that’s part of who I am… Part of the person I pushed away so long ago… Maybe it’s within me to have this type of compassion for others… And maybe I didn’t want to see it before… but maybe it’s been there all along and maybe I should just keep it… Hold onto it and allow it be cultivated inside of me…
Because maybe it’s the very thing or one of the very things that makes me Amanda… That causes people to call me sweet… And loving and caring…
And if that’s true… I guess the ability to love and hurt for others… The ability to feel compassion and want to do something… Well I guess it’s more than enough and I should be confident in it….