cultivation · dismantle · faith · relationship

It’s All Crumbling…

Over the past few weeks I’ve come in contact with so many people who’s worlds are crumbling to the ground…

Everything they hold dear is being shaken…

From relationships, to deaths to sickness and tragedy… This world is evolving into a darker, sicker and more painful place than it was before…

And as I have conversations with people from all walks of life, my continued questions are, “What and who are you founded in? When you lay your head down on your pillow at night, what are you placing your identity in? What and who defines you?”

And for most the answer is the same… Too many are defined by the tangible… By the world the surrounds us…

When I say the world, I’m speaking to anyone that places their faith, hope and love in what we see… In people, things, jobs, institutions, the government and money… Life that is altogether here one moment and gone the next… The white noise that seems to dictate our lifestyles on the regular because we don’t know what we would do without it…

Let me say something for a moment… And I’m speaking to people in the church too who think in their minds (not in their hearts and with their spirits) that they are stable…

The only thing our life should ever lay a foundation on is God and His faith, hope and love… Not on a Bible, a pastor, a relationship, a job, makeup/clothes/shoes/electronics/furniture, the government, institutions, or money…

We try so hard to establish our careers, buy big houses, own expensive things and go on grand vacations… And what for? To show it off and say, “Look what I’ve accomplished! Look where I am! Look what I own! Look how hard I struggled to reach this success!”

But have you ever focused your attention on being at peace first? Have you ever ventured into the love that comes when we allow Father God to be in the center of our lives? Have you ever lived a life of faith, trusting that God is meeting all of your needs, not your wants?

Because I don’t believe He can properly connect with people that place their heart and energy into the tangible… I believe His Holy Spirit is searching for a group of people right now that say, “I will walk (not hustle or remain stagnant) with You through the ups and downs of life. Because You are the only One that can sustain me when everything is falling apart. You are the only One that continues to take the evil of this world and turn it for good. You in all that You are are enough for me.”

And sometimes it can seem a little crazy. “Ok, I’m going to place my lack of understanding, my fears, my failures… My whole life into the hands of someone who I can’t see… And then He’s gonna make it better? But all I know is this other way of life!”

But I believe that’s the great thing about learning how to have faith and trust in God. Through His unseen process, we give up the things of this world that own us for the one thing we can never own… Which is God. And then we allow His Spirit to completely lead us on this journey… And sometimes the journey is ugly and painful, but we can still have joy, peace, hope and love in the midst of this thing called Life.

death · grateful · grief · healing · pain · redeem · restore

Time… A Healer?

I’ve heard it said at least a thousand times now, “Time… Time will help you heal from the death and great absence of your father.. Time will make it easier to live without him”…

And I hate to be the barer of bad news… But… Time, I’m sorry… You haven’t been my source of healing…

For me, experiences, people, places and just Life in general have made it easier to live without him…

New experiences have shaped the way my mind thinks and the the way I feel…

New people have helped open my eyes to see how relatable I’ve become to a group of people I was never relatable to before…

New places have given me the opportunity to try new things…

And Life… Life you’ve given me so much… I feel like you and Death have worked together with Father God to help me heal in ways I never thought I’d be healed… Because you’ve even helped heal things in my soul that became broken before the death of my father…

And so… With all due respect to Time, I’d like to give the credit to other things for a moment…

Because without Father God’s love, Life’s newness and Death’s reality… Well I wouldn’t be who I am right now…

And I am so grateful for the woman I am right now… For the woman I’ve become…

And as hard as it is to admit, I am grateful for the death of my father… It’s made me stronger, wiser, bolder, more confident…

His absence has helped me appreciate Life and my own life so much more… It’s given me so much grace, compassion and love in my heart to share with others…

And, most importantly, it’s helped shape my destiny and purpose in life more than any experience I’ve ever had…

So, again, Time with all due respect… I’d like to simply shine a light on the healing power of Father God, Life and Death for a brief moment… I’d like to shine a light, and then encourage anyone that might feel broken and lost without someone you’ve cherished so dearly in Life… Please know, I’ve felt the same way… I’ve cried myself to sleep at night in disbelief of this trajedy… And I’ve even yelled and screamed and done things that weren’t healthy… All in an effort to make the pain and hurt go away… But then I’ve also learned, newness… The embrace of newness in the time of loss and grief, it’s pivotal moving forward… To moving upward and onward… To becoming a complete and whole person again…

darkness · grief · heart · refine · vulnerability

The Memory Tree

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Since I was around the age of 15 I’ve complained about one thing… I didn’t think we had any family holiday traditions….

I’d look around at other families during the holidays… I’d see their festiveness and annual excitement and I’d think “gosh, I wish my family had some tradition”….

So as I got older I’d try and find ways to create some tradition for my family… Like Christmas Eve dinners at a nice restaurant or opening presents a specific ways…

And my family would always get annoyed with me…

And I guess I basically believed that my family was so boring and so out of date… And that we didn’t do anything truly cool or traditional for the “Winders”….

So it was ironic tonight… Tonight as I was hanging ornaments on the tree… The tree mom kept bare until Bridge and I got home… So the three of us could decorate it together….

And as we were decorating… Mom said “this tree is a memory tree. I think we should call them memory trees”….

Now every tree is different… The decoration process I mean… But ours… Well ours is unique….

For every place we’ve ever traveled together as a family, mom has purchased an ornament…. We have snow skiers from Crested Butte, Vail and Keystone… Football Santas from the years we went to NOLA for the Dome… Several starfish from the beach…. Christmas in NYC…. Disney Princesses….

And then we also have ornaments for the activities we did… Cheerleaders…. Ballerinas… And of course BAMA football…

And then there are the ones made to put pictures of us in when we were kids…

And of course their are the handmade ones from preschool…. Mom loves those the most….

And we can’t forget “the three bears”…. Not sure where they came from… Or the toys that mom turned into ornaments because we loved them so much….

And true to Andrea form…. Each ornament has a date on it… The year we got it… And some of an extra kick like “ECA”….

But the beautiful thing was… As I unwrapped each special ornament… I began to realize mom’s words are so true…

Our tree is a memory tree… Because it’s full of moments we shared as a family… It’s a reminder that we went “there” and did “that”….

And with the absence of dad this holiday… Well the tree and the ornaments are that much more special and close to my heart…

And in the midst of all the decorating… I got lost in the moment and realized… We do have a tradition…

And all of those years I spent wanting one… Well we were creating one as a family… And now we have this beautiful tradition…. One that I hope to pass down to my kids and grandkids…

I get that some people like their ornaments to look the same and fit a mold of specific color…

But I feel like ours is just right… Because we are the Winders… And we have a beautiful story to tell through our memory tree…

And in a few years… When we look back at the Empire State Building…. Olaf… And Mary Poppins…. Well… We’ll know that was the first Christmas without dad… But more than that… We’ll be able to remember that was first Christmas we changed the name of our tree….

And you know what…. I’m more than ok with that…

death

Month Six…

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July 2nd… August 2nd… September 2nd… October 2nd… November 2nd… And bam… December 2nd is here…

It’s been six months… six months since dad’s been dead… and some of the months have happened without me thinking about the day or realizing “today is month number…”

But today feels different… And it’s for so many reasons… Mainly because the doctors said he might make it to Christmas…

Well…. here we are… we are 23 days away from Christmas and I am fatherless… A miracle didn’t happen and modern medicine didn’t save his life….

And it hasn’t been a bad thanksgiving at all… I board a plane today… Heart full of love from everyone I saw and all that I experienced…

But it still doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s not here… That I will leave mom here… Alone… Again…

And she’s in so much pain… And there’s really nothing I can do to make the pain go away….

I continue to realize there’s nothing I can do every time I hear her say her heart is broken…. “it’s just broken.”… she says…. She says it’s broken and she knows life will go on and she will heal… But for now the pain… the pain she has to live with is so much…

Mom says that there are just so many hurdles in front of her she has to cross… That there’s just so much responsibility in front of her now… And that she just misses dad so much…

And it hurts my heart to know she’s feeling pain…. and that I can’t do anything about it… There aren’t any words I can say…. There’s nothing I can do to help her mend her broken heart… I can love her and hug her… But I just feel like that’s not enough….

And then she has to carry so much now… But in the midst of it all… Well my mom fascinates me because I don’t see her falling apart at every corner… She’s together in her own way….

And I know people have said the holidays are hard… But they haven’t been too bad… And maybe it’s my outlook… my perspective… But I see things differently… And I’m choosing to live in each day and just enjoy the fact that we are together as a family…

But I’ve had my moments… Like last night when I thought my dad had scared my sister… But then I quickly remembered that he’s not here and she was just scared on her own…

And of course I think living out in Cali makes this reality a little less for me… But it’s all still reality…

So I genuinely hope… today… six months from the day that I watched my dad die… Well I hope it’s filled with love and hope and goodness… Even if I don’t experience those things… I hope others do…

And I hope my mom doesn’t feel so much of a mess… That she can move through today with her spirits lifted….

And I know it sucks… Death isn’t a friend… But I do respect him for the job he does…

And more than anything… I just want my mom to be happy and her heart to be full again… I want her to be taken care of and loved…

That’s what I want…

death

The Provider

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Yesterday I starred thinking about the Yarbrough house…. the house I lived in for 16 years… the house my parents lived in for 20 years… the area of Shreveport we lived in before dad really got his business off the ground… the places where I spent my childhood.. and advantages I had in being so close to my grandparents house…. I could ride my bike there….

In the midst of those thoughts I began to think about the struggles my parents went through… the arguments they had… the misunderstandings I had… How could they be married if they argued so much?… How could they really, truly love each other?…

And then I thought about how hard my parents worked so that my sister and I could have a good life… My dad probably wasn’t trying… but he became a great homebuilder in the midst of providing for his family….

It’s funny and at the same time really sad…. but I feel like I am learning the greatest lessons from my father now that he’s dead… Now that he’s gone, I’m actually able to look at his life…. I never took the time to do that before…. I’ve always been so selfish and focused on me, my emotions and my problems with life…

But I continue to see who my dad was and it inspires me so much… And the thoughts I have of him lately are “gosh he was an excellent provider.”

But really the man never let us go without… He always made a way and provided for his family… And when we wanted to go on vacations, participate in activities or even have certain gifts for Christmas… well he made a way…

And I’ve never thought about provision until lately… I’ve never thought about what an honor it must be to provide for your family…. to make sure they are all taken care of… and I’m sure it can be a burden at many times… I know it was a burden for my dad…

But he always made a way… He almost always said yes… and if he didn’t say yes… well I asked mom, who I knew could talk dad into saying yes…

And in the midst of thinking about him providing… I felt ashamed that I never really truly thanked him for it… I’m not a grateful person… It’s something I am working on…. And so I feel ashamed that I wasn’t able to truly see how amazing he was when he was alive…

I took him and what he did for granted…. He always said “ya’ll don’t appreciate me or even care about what I do.” And although I denied it… it was the truth and he knew it so well… Now I wish… I wish with everything in me that I could express how grateful I am for him…

It took a conversation with someone at work to help me realize that dad has given me so much… Because of him, I have really good credit… He put my car and other things in my name and then paid for them in full… And today I am able to build on that credit because I pay things off on time…. Those are things he taught me…. things that I took for granted…

I have to call other people today so they can provide answers for me… I’m so used to calling dad… but now I find myself calling uncles, friends, co-workers… even mom…. mostly mom… and it does hurt… it hurts to know that I can’t pick up the phone and have him provide me with an answer….

I actually miss that provision way more… the provision of answers from him when I needed them the most…. And I’m working on allowing God to be the person I go too…. I’m working on asking him the things I’d ask my father…. And God does answer me… but it’s still not the same….

It’s funny what God told me the other day… “it’ll never be the same Amanda. I’m not your dad. I can’t replace him. I can’t be your dad. I can be like him, but I can never be him.” And I think that honesty, that truth, that amazing amount of vulnerability from God is one of the reasons I love him the most…

Because he knows as well as I do that no one will ever replace my father…. he knows that he can provide for me in so many different ways… but he can’t be the tangible man I called dad…. And you know what… that’s ok… I’m grateful that I was able to someone in my life that makes missing so challenging… I am grateful that no one can replace him… not even God….

And I am also grateful that God is willing to fill in the pieces and help provide for me… To help provide with answers and resources and just conversation…. And although it will never be the same… I am grateful for the lesson of provision from my father…

darkness · death · family · grief · vulnerability

We Just Do Life

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And then there were three….

Three of us remain… and we are supposed to be a family of four… but that’s not how life turned out… and it’s still hard…. and it’s still challenging… and it’s still emotional…

I’ve heard my mom tell a lot of stories… but this weekend is the first time I heard her tell me about the reasons she married dad… what made him stand out among everyone else she had dated and known… why him? why my dad?

And it was a fitting conversation for us to have…. considering the fact that we were at a wedding reception…. it was nice to hear her talk about how obnoxious she thought dad was when she first met him…. how he seemed like such an asshole…

She met him at a wedding… A wedding for her cousin… He didn’t even know the bride and groom…. He was invited by my mom’s cousins who did the know the bride and groom…. Cousins who probably figured Chris Winder needed to experience Natchitoches, Louisiana and some Prud’homme family traditions….

And she thought he was such a pain in the ass…. That was my mom’s first thought and memory of my dad… But they were engaged 3 months later and married 7 months after that…

To think that they met in the summer and were engaged by Thanksgiving is crazy fast to me… My mom didn’t even meet my grandparents until after they were engaged….

Until this weekend I’d never looked at my mom’s story from these perspectives…. I never really fully encompassed their love and romance… and what it must’ve been like to meet Delores Winder for the first time… She can be a little intimidating and controlling… So it must’ve been a lot for my mom… Especially since she’s so close to her mom…

And after hearing mom’s stories…. The parts of the beginning of her marriage and life with dad… well it made me excited for my future…. and it caused my great sadness at the same time…

I still hate thinking about the fact that dad won’t walk me down the aisle…. and seeing someone so close to me get married this weekend…. with her dad by her side…. and to know deep down that my dad will never, ever be able to do that for me…. well… it hurt my heart on so many levels….

I cried watching Morgan walk down the aisle…. And it wasn’t because she looked beautiful… I mean she looked gorgeous… but my thoughts instantly went from her moment to the moment I’ll never share with my father…. And then I looked up and saw my sister crying….

Standing as a bridesmaid…. I knew we were sharing the same tears… the tears that “dad will never get to do this with us. He won’t be there the day we are given away and start a new chapter in life.”

It’s still to much… Too real… And I asked mom what it like… the absence of a father at a wedding… What does it feel like? Did she cry? Was she hurting? And of course she said she was sad…. that even watching father-daughter dances today make her cry…. they make her wish… and just want her dad to be here… to have shared that moment with her on her special day with my dad…

And now I will experience the same feelings as mom… Knowing dad is gone and that it’s going to be a painful moment in that moment of new beginnings….

But I guess that’s life for you…. I can’t seem to figure it out completely… So I’ve just decided to keep riding the wave and sailing through whatever is thrown my way….

Because the most dramatic, stressful situations don’t leave me in a mess anymore… I just kind of shrug them off and move forward in the moment…. I just kind of make it work and hope it works out well… even if what I define is well doesn’t look well in the moment…

And I saw mom doing the same this weekend too… She was so calm… Much calmer than I’ve ever seen her before…. And she was on top of life like I’ve never seen her before…

Even in the lowest moment of her life… This time where she doesn’t know what’s next…. well she’s ok… We’re hurting but we’re all ok… And it’s encouraging… Encouraging and inspiring to know life does go on after death…. That it’s possible to get up every morning and move forward even when you feel like shit…

Even though the three of us don’t really know where we are going in life… and for different reasons… we do move forward… we do stay positive… we do laugh… we do cry… and we just do life as it comes at us….

And I think… right now in this moment… well, it’s the best way for us to do life right now…. to stay hopeful and helpful… and to watch out for those around us… with bigger hearts and a more understanding and possibly compassionate ear for listening…

death · soul

Hurting for Mom…

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You know those unexpected moments when you don’t think tears aren’t going to hit you out of know where?… I just simply open a photo book to find a picture for a crafting project and… boom… I’m caught in a moment…. a moment reminding me of moments in the past… moments when dad was here…

And then I start thinking about how hard our family worked to come together as one… as a team… that we didn’t always function in a peaceful, loving and understanding way… and those thoughts… those reminders that it took time for us to become a close family… well they hurt….

They hurt because my world has been turned upside down… there aren’t four of us anymore…. there are three of us…. three Winder Women remain… and it’s painful to think about…

It also hurts me when I hear my mom say thing like “there’s no one here to take up for me. To have my side and my back anymore”….

I feel like I shouldn’t be hearing those words… At least not now… Not this early in life… Not this early in her life…

And I’m irritated that no one is there for her… that no one has her back completely… that she’s facing a crazy scenario in Shreveport over finishing a house… that pisses me off… I just want to get on a plane and fix it all… to help her finish… to rectify and make things right again…

But that’s not my job…. it’s not my job or my place to fly across the country and make sure this get finished…. it’s not my job to take care of mom….

It’s my job as her daughter and friend to support her and encourage her and ask that she does have some kind of supernatural help in all of this…. because she needs it…

And honestly, I’m ok with that…. but I’m not very good at being ok with people…. with people who say they’re going to be there… and then they aren’t…

Several people that have been in my place told me that once it’s all over, the funeral, the shock of it all… well people go back to their lives… they keep living while we continue to live in our new reality…. people basically forget because they get back to their own world’s… their own lives….

And while I understand this to be true… it still hurts…

It’s interesting to see those that really care…. the people in life that I never thought would be there for me, mom or Bridge… but they are….

And then there are those that I have to try my hardest not to get offended and bitter with…. those that I thought would be there for mom…. she’s so alone…. she’s so sad… and she’s facing so much…. it would be nice to have some support and a circle around her…

But there’s really not anyone there… and I guess in a way… well it’s ok because she keeps saying she’s ready to branch out… to make new friends… to try new things…

This isn’t tearing her apart like it could…. like it does for so many….

And in the midst of it all… well I begin to respect and admire my mom in ways I never thought I would… I begin to truly see how amazing she is…

Honestly, if I was in her position…. well… I don’t know how I would act and react… I don’t know what I would do… it would be painful and I might fall apart… I might not have the strength she has…

But I just want her to be ok… to be taken care of… to be loved and to be happy and free from all of this… I hope we can look back at this… this life situation and crisis as a good thing….

Mom keeps saying hindsight is 20/20… and I hope that’s true… because I just want the best for everyone in my life… I want my mom to enjoy her life… even though it’s without dad… I just don’t want her to hurt anymore…. or be taken advantage of anymore… I want her to be protected and someone to watch out for her… even if it’s just God…. He’s enough to have her back in all situations….

death · soul

Lacking Support

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I’m a little irritated… maybe a little angry…. a little bit disappointed…. and I didn’t really realize it until last night….

Before dad died I forgave him…. the last year of his life…. we didn’t really see eye to eye…. he was trying to support something he didn’t understand… I was frustrated because he didn’t trust me and understand me… I felt like he really didn’t try….

Instead I felt like he was afraid all of the time… afraid and trying his hardest to control my life…. even at 25 dad tried to control my life….

In so many ways I feel bad that I’m angry and disappointed with him…. I feel bad that he’s gone and I still have these feelings… I feel bad that I never felt good enough in the last year of life with him here…

Dad was so focused on money… me making money and when it would come to me… I tried to get him to see the bigger picture… to try and see it from my angle… my point of view… but he never did…

Instead it was a constant struggle from the moment I went to Dallas…. the phone calls… the text messages… the worries I could feel all the way from Shreveport….

And now when I look back I can see that he really was so sick… so so sick and that his worrying and control were out of hand… out of hand to the point that he couldn’t even control them anymore…

But I still feel angry with him… angry that he and mom have always blindly supported my sister… angry that they’ve blindly supported her and whatever she wants in life….

And in the meantime… as I’m trying to figure it out and as I come up with ways to help people… it just never felt like it was enough in dad’s eyes…. he couldn’t blindly believe in me like he did her… And maybe it’s because deep down we all knew I never wanted what I was working for… it wasn’t my passion… it wasn’t me…

It’s different for my sister… art is her passion and she will justly ride that truth the rest of her life… but not me… I don’t know what’s true to me or for me anymore… and so as true as that is… it’s also still true that I’m hurt… hurting…

Hurt because I never got the support I wanted in a time I needed it the most… yes.. I failed… but failing would’ve been so much better if I had had the support of my family…. real mental support like I see everyone give my sister…

But it was never that way… and now… now I sit here with anger, disappointment and I guess a little bit of bitterness… because I’m annoyed that it had to be about money…. I’m annoyed that dad was finally happy for me when I was making the amount of money he thought was good… I’m angry that what I was doing before wasn’t enough… it never seemed like it was enough… ever…

And this anger inside of me… this feeling like I was robbed of the genuine support and faith that I needed in a time when I was trying something on my own.. well… it will go away… but it will always be a part of my story… and I don’t like that at all… I just wish I could confidently say dad supported me and blindly believed in me when I needed him the most…

But he didn’t… so I’m left here… I’m left with this…. this is where he left me… and I suppose making the best of it…. forgiveness and acceptance of it all is where I should go next… because at the end of the day… well… it’s stupid to be angry with someone… especially someone that’s dead… because that won’t help me move forward at all…

So I guess I’ll forgive him and hope that whatever I move on and into next… that he’s supporting me… I mean truly supporting me from some place far away…

darkness · death · grief · vulnerability

A Moment Without Words

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There’s an image in my mind… An image I can’t shake…

It’s the day of dads visitation and I’m running late… Moms a case of grief… She’s falling apart when it’s almost time to go…. So I leave… I leave with pictures in hand to place on tables and such…. But I don’t leave alone.. My cousin and one of my best friends rides with me….

The whole ride is so silent… So still… I mean what does anyone say while riding to their dads visitatin?…

And then we arrive and I try to hurry as fast as I can across the parking lot, inside the building….. Where I come across so many faces that I know…. So many are already there to pay their respects…

And mom is late… Late and the casket that we wanted closed is open… Open so that she can tell dad goodbye… But it’s supposed to be closed before everyone enters the room…

And I’m so focused on placing the picture on tables…. That I walk into a room…. A room that is still…. Still… With only the music from a video playing… Flashing pictures on the screen of our family…

Then I see it…. The casket is open… I wasn’t prepared for that moment… I didn’t want to see my father in his casket…. I opted out on that one… Only mom wanted to be a part…

And it struck me so hard in that moment…. Like I didn’t know what to do… What to say… What to think… My whole being was silent and still…

It was such a strange moment….

And as I began to place the photos on the tables… The moment became stranger…. Because I began to realize dad was in the room…. But dad wasn’t in the room… Only his body was there… Just his body…. And it was weird… Not normal….

Because it’s not normal to be in the presence of an empty body… A dead, lifeless body… Without breathe or life…

That’s not normal at all…. Or at least it’s not normal for me….

And I don’t know what to do with moments like this… The ones that take your breathe away… The ones that cause you to question all of life…. The ones that don’t really have words to match the intensity of them…

There’s nothing to say in those moments… Nothing that really describes what you’re feeling… But it’s a moment that happened…

And I believe it’s power is worthy…. Worthy of being told… Told and talked about and expressed…

death

A Weekend Without

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Well….. college football season finally began today. It’s officially a new season… A new year to watch teams dominate….. and obviously time to watch the SEC and BAMA dominate.

But…. in the midst of it all…. I found myself annoyed….. and I never feel annoyed with the opening of college football.

At first I was annoyed because the game wasn’t being shown in Cali….. then I got annoyed because I couldn’t get it up online….. But then I finally realized…. underneath the frustration…. I just missed my dad.

I mean…. I really, really miss him today. He’s gone and he’s never coming back and it still hurts. It hurts me that I can’t talk to him…. or shoot him a text message about my annoyance over the game…. And then I didn’t have him here to give me updates since I couldn’t get the game.

Yes, yes I had others… my uncle, cousin and friends…. knowing I am hurting and trying to fill in the gaps…. and I feel extremely blessed… but I still miss him so much. I wish he was here to send me messages about how pissed he is with the way we were and weren’t playing….

But he’s not…. he’s not and instead of sitting inside…. sad about the loss of my dad and the absence of the BAMA game…. I decided to lay out….. it was either that or watch Auburn play…. because every other channel out here doesn’t air SEC games (thank God I have the SEC Network).

And I know it’s just football…. but beneath football…. beneath all of the hype and excitement…. that’s a place where I formed a relationship with my dad…. it’s the place we were very connected and had so much fun discussing so many different aspects of it all.

And now…. now that’s over…. it’s dead…. that relationship that I held so close to my heart isn’t a reality anymore…. it’s just part of my memory… and it’s frozen in the past with my dad and all that he was….

Looking back…. I’m so happy I went home last year and watched the LSU/BAMA game with him…. I wanted to go to Tuscaloosa so badly, but I choose to go watch it with him… and now I’m so happy I did… I’m also so glad we got to watch the last game of last years season together.

Because now…. now I an’t have any of that…. I can just have the memories… the now… the present and the moment I am in….

And it sucks…. it hurts so much…. but I believe deep inside of me that I won’t always feel this lack…. this void… It won’t ever be the same again…. but it can get better….

Life can get better every day and every moment…. And that’s what I have to live for and live with in the midst of my heart being broken and in pain…..

Hopefully… hopefully it’ll get easier with time…. hopefully next weekend I’ll be able to watch football with a little bit of a lighter heart… and I won’t be dragging my head….. Because right now…. it’s what I need to help me move forward….