Free and Ungrateful…

My heart has been searching for a solution… For an answer… For a sign… For anything God or the universe might give me to help me move forward in the season of life I’m in…

Because I’m constantly questioning, “Why do I feel stuck? Why aren’t things moving forward? Why are all of these seemingly negative things happening? Mainly, why am I still in Shreveport, LA almost a year later? This was not part of the plan, my hopes or my dreams.”

And the Holy Spirit has led me to this…

The smallness of a moment… The smallness of a season of life… The times when our bank accounts are low and the money isn’t “rolling ” in for some reason… The moments when you know in your heart you’ve followed God just like He said, but feel like every door has been slammed shut in your face… The responsibilities that seem to continue to pile up because everything that could go wrong feels like it is going wrong… The reality of the thought, “Okay… What could possibly happen next? Please let it be good!”

Basically, life feels small… I feel cornered… Cornered by the reality that everything around me has pushed me to have complete confidence and security in an intangible God, who works in intangible ways… And that all ways leading to tangible security continue to fail me quickly…

And because I feel small… Because I feel cornered… Well I am learning to cultivate a new level and lifestyle of humility… A place where I am forced to learn and grow, even when I don’t want too…

And I believe smallness is a great thing…  Because I’m learning that a humble heart is a grateful heart…

So what am I grateful for what you might ask?…

I’m grateful for the fact that I have the freedom to live the life I’m living… God has set me free of so many things from my past, but I choose to complain about the things I don’t have… I spend too much time comparing myself to others and thinking, “If I only had that.” When in reality, I should be grateful that I don’t have to live under the insecurities, pain and burdens of my past… He’s given me a extremely free life… And the Holy Spirit is always opening up new avenues, where I learn new areas that my heart and soul can become free…

Freedom… What a reason to be grateful!

I’m also grateful for my relationship with God… Lately I’ve been angry with God because I don’t see a lot of things He’s promised me becoming a reality… So I’m confused… But then I should just become grateful that I even have the opportunity to cultivate a relationship with Him… And I don’t mean a relationship we find in religion, that’s centered around a pastor or priest and his/her teachings… I mean one where He literally has conversations with me all throughout my day because He is my best friend and closest companion… Because He is the one willing to walk or crawl with me through the ugly, low seasons of life…

And I can go on and on over the things I am becoming grateful for… But mainly my thoughts are leading me to this… As humans, that live in this country, I believe we should be grateful for what we’ve been given and stop looking for things we don’t have… I believe most of us have forgotten that this country wasn’t just given to us… People have lost their lives and their freedom so that we can have it… And I get it, it’s fun to celebrate our country by dressing up, having fun and getting drunk… But are we truly grateful in our hearts?… Because that is where our celebration for our country should come from…

And I don’t know where we are headed as a nation, but my current life status is teaching me that I need to be grateful… And that desire to be grateful is encouraging me to remind others to be grateful too… Even if your life isn’t in a season of smallness right now… Look around and be grateful for the foundation your life sits on…

Because a foundation is the basis of life… It’s what holds us together and keeps things tight and secure… And I promise, if we can humble ourselves and become grateful for what we are built upon, well I believe we will see growth, new life and prosperity like never before…

But, in order to do this, we need to get out of our own heads… We need to stop looking at what we want and start becoming grateful for what we have… We need to think of others more and ourselves less… We have to look up at the world and vast universe around us and not be so focused on the black boxes in our hands…

Life is simple… We’ve made it complicated…

When Do I Get My Mom Back?…

Can I ask a really real question for a moment?…

Life… Can you pause yourself for a moment and answer a question for me?…

When does my dads death stop killing my moms joy, happiness and life?…

When does she start living again?… When will she figure out what’s next and how to move forward?…

Because, I’m gonna be real honest, I miss my mom… Sometimes I miss her more than I miss my dad… And I talk to her a lot… But she’s so different… She’s so sad…

The death of my father and my aunt have kind of placed her in a sad place in life… And I just want to know, when will she be happy again?… When will life be a place of joy and excitement for her?…

Because this has gone on long enough…

And I get it, grief is different for everyone… Everyone heals at a different rate… But I just miss my mom… I miss her excitement for life… I miss her discernment over life… I miss her joy for simple things like plants… 

So I just need to know… When do I get my mom back?… 

He’s Become a Memory…

I’m learning that one of the strangest… Yet saddest things about death is the fact… Well the fact that my dad has become a memory…

He’s so far in the past now… So frozen in time… Held within the frames of photos and thoughts…

And it’s just sad…

Sad and altogether weird…

Because when I look at life now… At all of the life he’s missed out on… Well it hurts in a way… But it’s honestly just sad…

And I guess this is just part of the process of life… Of death… Of having a close loved one die…

That all of a sudden they’re so far behind… So many days, weeks and moments in the past… That well they become a found memory…

After my dad died.. My grandmother told me that, “you’ll soon forget about the bad times… The hard times.. The sickness… And you’ll just choose to remember what was good”…

And that’s where I find myself now… I’m no longer bitter and angry that he’s gone… I’m no longer left in tears because he’ll never return… And I rarely see my mom and sister filled with grief…

Because life has continued to carry on… And we’ve just simply choosen to hang onto the memories of him that made my father my father…

And I’m sure I’ll have more moments throughout life that remind me how much I hate that he’s gone… I already hate watching people I grew up with have kids… Seeing their kids with their dads… Because my dad will never be a grandfather… Something he wanted so much… Something he would have been so good at…

Instead he’ll be a memory to me… Withheld in my stories to my husband and children… He’ll be a memory to me like my mom’s father was a memory to her… I only know my grandfather through pictures and stories that I’ve been told…

And I just hope that I can represent my father well… That I can truly encompass his life through my precious memories of him…

Feeling like a Nine Year Old…

For about a week and a half… A conversation has resonated in my mind…

I was in the car on the way to a birthday party… The nine year old girl in the backseat said, “will we have to pay for tickets to the Beyoncé concert?!”…

Her aunt and I immediately giggled… And then I said, “sweetheart, between your aunt and father… You’ll never have to pay for a concert ticket”…

Now the girl is only nine… Meaning she hasn’t quite realized who her father is yet… It hasn’t registered with her that she has benefits that most children will only dream about…

She has yet to “get” that she is capable of asking for so much… And that she doesn’t have to worry about going without…

So… Right now… I feel like this nine year old…

I haven’t quite realized who my Father in Heaven is… I don’t see that I am capable of asking for so much… I don’t yet see that He owns everything… It hasn’t registered with me that it’s His good intention to give me the Kingdom… And that He delights in seeing me happy…

Because… Like so many… Our mindsets aren’t in a place of royalty… We more so believe we have to work hard… That we have to prove that we are a child of God…

But… Like this nine year old… I truly believe… Soon… I am going to realize who I am as a child of God… And I believe that when I do… Well I’ll begin to realize I never ever had anything to worry, fear or be anxious about…

And I believe I’ll see my Father in a new way… For who He is and how He works… For the things He does for those He loves…

And… How effortless it is for Him to just “get” the Beyoncé tickets…

My Tale of Two Fathers…

As I wander with stillness… I’m learning something powerful…

When I was a kid, my mom always told me, “the way you treat your earthly father is how you treat your Heavenly Father. And visa versa…”

At the time she was trying to instill proper respect towards both of my fathers into me…

Yesterday…. This truth my mom constantly spoke into my life was brought to my attention…

And that’s when I realized something… My relationship with my father was filled with areas of closeness…. But the foundation was built on fear, anxiety and constant worry… He would throw his worries and fears for me and others onto me…

And it wasn’t a good feeling… Yet it was all I knew…

So… As I’ve been allowing my Heavenly Father to become my only father… Well I’m continuing to learn… The things he “throws” on me are good things…. Love, peace and joy…

Nothing that has to do with the shortcomings and downfalls of life…

And I’m sure, if you’re like me, you’d agree that love, peace and joy are so much better than fear, anxiety and worry…

The problem lies in my ability to accept what my Heavenly Father is giving me…

Because…. Like my mother told me… I’m treating my Heavenly Father the way I treated my earthly father… And wrapped inside of what they both gave and continue to give… Well is a certain fear…

A fear of fear, anxiety and stress…

So… I’m challenged in a way… To simply accept all good things that flow my way… But to accept them with a heart of faith and peace… With stillness…

Because… Unlike my earthly father… My Heavenly Father has no intention of causing me to feel afraid of become stressed….

And in this simple truth… I believe it will cause me to just live a simpler life… Standing firm on the faith that my Heavenly Father loves me… And will continue to show up and provide when I need him the most…

Sons and Daughters… of the King

IMG_6998Living in the land of smoke and mirrors… A place that seems to be a world within itself… Focused on self…

Well it’s taught me so much…

And recently the lesson I’m learning is changing my life…

Because it’s changing my perspective…

As I look around at the celebrity children that surround me… The ones I care for… And others I come in contact with… Well I’m learning that these kids have an inheritance based around the benefits of being the sons and daughters of whom ever there famous parents are…

Because in this world… In this world their parents are basically considered kings and queens of different industries… Whether they’ve been on top or they are on top… People have a certain amount of respect for the children of the “kings and queens” of this land…

And I say all of this because this truth is changing my life… Because it’s showing me that we… As believers in Christ truly are sons and daughters of God… And being sons and daughters… We should have a certain mentality that says, “my father in Heaven is the top. He reigns over the unseen spiritual world. And we have a great inheritance”…

An inheritance that should be seen and respected in the physical… Just like I see these celebrity children respected in the physical…

But… We just don’t have that mentality yet… As sons and daughters of God… Far too many of us walk around with our heads low to the ground… Believing God is our father… But also believing that we have to do a list of things in order to receive his love and great inheritance…

But… As I live… I don’t believe we have to “do” anything… We simply have to “be”… We have to be ourselves… We have to have truly be the children of the God in the unseen world…

And through that… Well our purpose on earth is fulfilled… Because then we are able to love our father as he loves us… And we are able to share that love with others that don’t yet realize they too can become children of the Most High God…

And in truth… I hope this truth inspires and motivates you to begin to change your thought life… To begin to think like the son or daughter… Like the prince or princess of God… Because within that type of mentality we can all become stronger and just live and fuller life…

 

An Open Letter to My Father…

IMG_4784.jpg

I feel like there’s so much to say… But at the same time I feel like there’s nothing to say…

Because death still sucks… A lot… But then I look and it’s been such a blessing…

And we’re approcehing a second Christmas without you… And you’re missed so much… But the difference is… Well, I can’t really feel how much I miss you anymore… But mom can… Mom feels deeply everyday… And grief experts say that means the love you both had for one another was deep… Deep and unconditional…

I don’t really cry anymore… I did cry three days ago though… Because, since your death, no man has really stepped up and checked on our family as a whole… Like continuously… No one has basically tired to be you…

And I think that’s ok… I’m glad no one is trying to take your place… But then at the same time… Well it hurts to know that we are… For the most part… Alone.. Without a male figure in the flesh…

But then I’m so thankful for God… For Holy Spirit… For their kindness and love… For their ability to fill in gaps… For God’s ability to be a father and a husband… For Holy Spirit’s ability to be a counselor and mentor…

Honestly dad, I don’t know anyone that could actually lead our family through this life altering situation… I don’t believe there is a human alive capable of doing that… So I am so very grateful for God’s blessings and his ability to be solid in our lives through all of this…

Plus, life just seems to move a long… Day in and day out… I feel like I just move farther away from you… My life is changing… It’s good… It’s something you would be proud, excited and joyful about…

And then there’s something else… Because it’s something that might seem a little out there… But when miracles become the theme of 2016… Well I’m believing that…. That all things work together for good here on earth… And in Heaven… Because I believe there’s resurrection power coming…

And dad… Within that… Well I believe that it’s possible to see you again… On the earth… Here… And it’s not a thought I hang on to… But it is a thought I have…

It’s a thought I believe in just as much as I believe in God and his goodness… It’s a moment that I believe could become a reality… Just like the moment we all watched you take your last breathe…

So… within all of the grief… All of the grief that mom mainly feels… Well please know that you were and still are deeply loved by so many… That the impact of your life and death is still felt in the hearts of those that cherish you… And that you are still so respected and admired…

And if God ever decides to resurrect you… Because I believe this would be an end time miracle… Well I’ll just wait patiently… Wait and live and love and enjoy the ride of life…

Because there’s so much goodness inside of each day… And I’m just so blessed to experience it all… To just live and be alive…