I sat down to pout. I sat down to sulk. I sat down to complain about how frustrated I felt. And then… All in one moment… I stopped myself. I stopped myself and said, “Amanda, you don’t do this anymore. You’ve outgrown this place where you get upset over things that are out of your control. You’ve moved past feeling overwhelmed with “the follow” and where He’s leading you. You no longer contain the capacity to roll your eyes and then sarcastically walk down a somewhat fearful, self-paved road screaming, “What’s next?!?!” You’ve reached a place of maturity and you MUST continually live in it!!!”
Yeah…. That was the inner dialogue between my spirit, heart and soul. My spirit reminding my heart and soul that we don’t sulk around anymore about where God is taking us. Instead, we suit up, take hold of His ever-evolving assignments and move forward like the Warrior Queen He’s been cultivating.
And I don’t know if this resonates with you at all; however, I’m learning that maturity is one of the most attractive virtues to possess because of its steadfastness. It’s just this grand assurance and unwavering confidence, rooted so deeply within that it billows out, “This is who I am!”
And sure, sure maturity seems as though it takes eons to cultivate; however, once we’ve entered that place… Once we’ve come into that promised land, well it’s as if the fruit is everlasting because we have the capacity to stop ourselves when parts of us want to act childish, self-centered or unruly. We can stop ourselves and say, “I’ve been down this road before and it doesn’t produce any good fruit, so I mustn’t go forward.” 🌱 #cultivatelife
“But the disappointment God… It’s SO heavy. I don’t want to feel it anymore. I don’t want to carry it anymore. Plus… Paired with the anger… The anger that’s still consuming 10% of my heart… Well the anger really makes the disappointment feel all consuming at times.”
This is me. This is me working through more brokenness with God. And… Well… You’d think, at this point, my healing would be complete in this area. But… it’s just SO deep. All of it. The brokenness touches every layer of my essence… From my human spirit, to my soul and then impacts my body in ways that it shouldn’t.
And I’ve forgiven. I’ve forgiven and chosen to move past a lot of the pain and heartache. But sometimes… Gosh sometimes I feel like the disappointment will never go away. And then I can’t seem to quite understand “why?” Why did it have to play out like this?
Actually… I’m not stupid. I understand “why,” but then I’d rather live in the deception of the past. The deception and manipulation was just so fanatical and illusive… Almost like I was living in a dream I’d never wake up from and have to take responsibility for.
But… Then… Well, I woke up from that dream several years ago and was forced to enter a world of truth and disappointment. And, some days (though they are few and far between) I still feel like I’m still waking up to an undiscovered layer of truth and disappointment.
So… what am I to do with layers upon layers of continued disappointment? Well that’s what I’ve been asking God.
And… Do you know what He keeps showing me?
Of course, it’s been way too simple for me to process at once. But everyday I hear Him say, “My love for you woke you up from the fanatical, illusive dream. My love for you drove out the lies, deception and manipulation you both created. My love protected you. It empowered you. It’s given you the ability to constantly move forward, one whole and complete step at a time. And maybe you still feel angry and disappointed. I don’t blame you. The deception was deep; however, keep focusing on My love. Keep your eyes anchored to My heart. For inside of it you will discover the healing your heart is seeking.” 🌱 #cultivatelife
“And then God got quiet… And He stayed quiet… And I didn’t know what the silence was for or what would happen next.”
He’s quiet. Yeah… We’re definitely having conversations about the world and my world. But… For the most part He’s super still. He doesn’t have much to say other than, “Mirror me. Cultivate an environment of peace Amanda. Let My peace rest deep down inside of you.”
And I believe He’s looking deep into my heart more than anything right now. I believe He’s searching for the darkness that’s rooted deep down in there… He’s looking for the negativity, the gossip, the judgment, the ugliness that’s hiding in my soul.
His peace actually feels like a flashlight… One that’s probing around, demanding all darkness to filter to the surface so that it can be drawn out quickly.
And I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced THIS before… This intrusive, peaceful, deep cleaning of my soul. Usually He drags out the truth or the love to straighten me out… But this time, this time He going with the peace.
And it’s different. I don’t hate it. It’s actually a lot easier to embrace than truth and love because it’s so constant, still and eternally captivating.
And I don’t know if I’m making 100% sense. But I did want to share what’s happening inside of me right now. Because I hope you feel His peace too. I hope, in the midst of the chaos, confusion and calamity… I hope that His peace grabs a hold of your heart, filters through the nonsense and then gives you a sense of confidence to stand tall with a pure and faithful heart.
I’ve had this awkward sensation in my left side for about 4 months now. At first it concerned me because it was so strange, but then I heard Holy Spirit say, “It’s supernatural.”
So, I’ve gone on with life… Knowing that He’ll make sense of it all in His timing.
Well a few nights ago I let go of this desire I had inside of me… It was this desire my heart had to belong. But it’s wasn’t a healthy kind of belonging. It was a twisted, territorial desire to belong to man-made love. Man-made love that is sick and polluted with insecurity, jealousy and envy and all that’s foundationally wrong in this fallen world.
So I let go of it.
And when I did, the sensation in my side stopped in its tracks. It completely halted. And I haven’t felt it since.
And then… Then I felt this love… This love from the heart of God. A part of His love I’ve never truly felt before. And it was the most incredible sense of belonging I’ve ever felt. And it wasn’t something structured from self-love or man-made love. It was something much higher… Something so rare and pure, yet so innately humble. A form of love that comes from realizing that there’s something much grander than me… And this grander being is obsessed with every piece and part of me. And it gave me this confidence… This confidence to fully step forward into my destiny that’s unfolding in front of me right now.
And I don’t know… I don’t know if you know Father God’s love. But I do hope, I hope that you fully step forward in faith into it. Because His love is so deep… It’s so concrete… It’s so wild and mysterious. It’s something far greater than we could ever give to one another because it has this insane ability to heal every part of the heart that sickness and disease has cultivated inside of us. And it’s available. It’s readily available to every single person on this planet. And it grows… When it’s cultivated properly, it will grow into the most beautiful thing you and I will ever truly experience 🌱♥️ #cultivatelife #justlive