Mind · soul · truth

Great Illusion

If you know me well then you know I talk about the will of God A LOT! It’s really vital for me to continue to cultivate a space where I listen, He leads and I follow. And it’s become fairly simple to do these things; however, the one thing that CONSTANTLY gets me hung up are MY feelings.

You see they’re just this sticky web of illusion and confusion. And, when I rely on them over what God has spoken, well I leave myself open to great deception and become a mess of a person.

And it doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t have to turn inside out over what He’s spoken versus what I feel and see.

So I’ve made a choice. Every time I feel overwhelmed by life’s circumstances versus what He’s spoken, I choose to stop myself and remind myself of Him, His truth, His words and our relationship as a whole.

You see… God never gave us feeling to enable us to trust Him. He never gave feelings to encourage us to trust Him. We live a lifestyle of faith, which isn’t a feeling but a choice… An action. And I know self wants to live by feeling. But we can’t because it leaves us liable to great deception, believing God will not be true to what He said and promised.

So… If you relate to what I’m saying, please be encouraged to live from what He’s spoken, rather than a place of chaotic, ever changing feeling 🌱 #cultivatelife

soul · Spirit · truth

Quit… Today?

I thought about quitting today. I told God, “I can’t do this anymore.” Actually… I’ve been telling Him that for a few weeks now. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want your stupid promises! It’s cost so much to get to this place! I don’t care about your will!”

You see my heart is deeply battling. And I want to walk away. I’d give anything to walk away. Walking away would be so much easier in this moment than moving forward.

But, in truth, it’s just my emotions… My feelings are trying to muddle what God, His promises and what He keeps telling me to do.

But when I step back… When I step back and breathe… When I step back long enough to hear His voice say, “I need you to keep moving forward.” Well… I know in my heart I have no other choice but to keep moving forward. 🌱 #cultivatelife #keepmovingforward

Mind · soul

End the Anger

Anger has been coursing through my veins lately… And while I do realize that the anger is only really harming me, I don’t want to make peace with it. Instead, I keep hoping that it will eventually touch the person I’m angry with and make that person feel pain too.

Life just feels so unfair and unjust sometimes. And I guess the unfairness and injustice I feel has led to my anger.

I’m having a hard time making peace with it too. It constantly runs circles in my mind, and throws my emotions for a whirl.

A wise person said, “Amanda, the unfairness you feel is a result of brokenness and incompleteness. You’re seemingly whole in God and you’re angry because you want that for this person. The amount of brokenness and incompleteness is hurting you. You have to let go and move forward.”

And while I know all of these things are true, sometimes it’s just so challenging to move forward. You know?

And then when I seemingly do… When I’ve made peace… Well there are always these little voices that pop up and remind me of the past. Saying things like, “Well what about this time when this person hurt you here and made you feel so small, insecure and incomplete. Be angry with the life you’ve been robbed of Amanda. Be angry.”

But you know, I’m just so tired of this rollercoaster. And so I’m trying… I’m truly trying to get off of this ride so I can move forward towards the life God continues to unfold in front of me 🌷🙌🏻 #cultivatelife

Spirit

Reflection…

IMG_7450 (1)Sometimes… Sometimes moving forward with life… Moving onward with the present moment… Moving towards greatness… Moving towards your destiny… Well… It comes with a price…

And sometimes that price is sacrifice…

Because no matter how much we might dislike moments of life… Well those moments have made us who we are…

And that’s where I find myself…

Reflecting on moments in the past two years… Moments that weren’t always fun… Moments that weren’t always happy… Moments that caused me to question and wonder… But moments that shaped and molded me into who I’ve become today…

And as I reflect on them… Well I am grateful… I’m grateful for opportunity… Grateful for love… Grateful for the ability to learn and to be taught be those that are younger than me…

Because as this day ends… As we put a cap on the first week of this new year… Well I find myself grateful for every moment of it…

For tearful goodbyes to children I love… And to the excitement of what lies ahead…

For I know and believe it will be great…

death

Feeling It All…

We’re all entitled to bad days right?… You know the kind where you don’t really want to get up in the morning because you’re tired of life?…

That’s how I feel right now… A little burnt out and confused… Burnt out with work and where I am in life… And confused about where I’m going…

Because right now… Well I just don’t see a clear picture of my life… Then again we never do…

And I still miss my dad so much… So much…

Coming up on a year has me subconsciously sad… Sad and a little confused… Because well I never saw life being at this state…

And normally I’m extremely hopeful and positive… It’s just who I am… But today I feel a little depressed and sad… And annoyed…

And I also feel like life is plateauing out some… That it’s a little flat and dull at the moment… And that I need to keep moving forward for more excitement and growth….

But right now… Well right now I just have so many questions….

So many questions and so many thoughts… And I honestly I hate feeling low… I’m not a low, sad or depressed type of person… But these feelings have me dragging around… And not giving 100%…. The struggle is real…

But a friend encouraged me to just let the grief to continue to happen… To continue to feel all of the sadness, depression and pain that comes with death… And so I guess I will… Because death is strange and what else am I supposed to do?…

Again… Death… Will death is just life…. A big part of life and why we are living and continuing to move forward…

Mind · soul

Don’t Be Bored…

IMG_3310I’m learning something about myself… And this is what I see… Actually what I feel… I feel like I’m on top of the current place in life right now… That I’ve climbed to the top and that I see that it is good….

And then this is where it all becomes interesting for me in a way… Because I find myself bored at the top… I find myself looking for a challenge… Looking for things to be difficult, annoying, burdensome… And even hurtful… And they aren’t… Which bores me…

And I don’t think this is actually a good thing that I’ve reached this place and that I’m bored… I think I should be way more in awe… I think my attitude should reflect one of gratefulness, rather than boredom and annoyance that I am bored…

But boredom is something I choose so often… And in my boredom I can get myself in trouble… Comparing myself to those around me and thinking I’m not doing enough in life…

So how do I combat boredom?… And how do I stay in awe of where I am in this moment?… Because I know sooner or later it will be over and I will be forced to face another challenge… That’s just part of moving forward in life….

But right now I just need help managing the boredom…. Because I know that within itself is a small challenge for me…. It’s more about realizing I am in a peaceful place… And I don’t know if peace is boring… It’s just still… Yet confident in the present…

And so I think an attitude of gratefulness and peace should become myself lifestyle… Rather than boredom…

Spirit · truth

The Tulips

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It’s morning… again… a new day… still a new year… still new things to accomplish and come my way… and all along I keep wondering “where will this year take me?”… and I know deep down to not dare ask that question because this year could take me absolutely anywhere possible…
Sometimes though… sometimes my emotions feel like the ones of a tulip… I bought red tulips the other day…  they just looked so pretty sitting in the grocery store… and I love fresh flowers… so I brought them home… and as soon as I got them into a glass of water, they feel over… they wouldn’t stand up for anything… and of course they were closed very tight….
All I could think in that moment was “ok, I just spent $9 on flowers that are wilting…. flowers that haven’t even opened up”… so I decided I try to wrap a rubber band around them… maybe that would help them a little… but it didn’t… so I left them alone and went to work…
But… when I got home that night, the tulips were standing straight up… and they were open… fasciated by their quick change in attitude, I just smiled… I smiled and got ready for bed, thinking “gosh they are so pretty”…
The next day at work flowers were delivered to the house… and guess what… red tulips were inside… that’s when I made a comment to my boss about my tullips… how they had fallen, but now they are standing straight and open… she said, “oh Amanda, that’s what they do. they droop for a while, then stand straight up and open and then droop again when they die”….
I was fascinated once again… and said the flower must be very “emotional” and “bi-polar”…
The funny thing is… as I’ve watched these tulips, they’ve been teaching me something… right now they are so open… so alive and so very attentive to the life around them… anything can come their way and they’d be prepared…
And right now that’s how I feel… when I decided to pick up and change course last year I felt like the tulips looked when I first bought them…. closed and droopy…. but as the year went on… well I began to open up and stand a little taller and firmer on my own… and for the first time really just be me and love myself for the fact that I can just be me…
And now I feel like the tulips I see this morning… more open than I’ve ever been… just waiting for something new and amazing to sweep into my life… just waiting for a ray of sunshine or a tender word from someone to brighten up my day so I can stand a little taller…
Of course I know the tulips will droop again and fade away… but they’ve left such a positive impact on me in this very moment… one that says, “keep standing tall. keep doing what you’re doing. and just stay open to life”….