New Assignment

For about a year now it seems as though God’s been emptying me of more… More fear. More idolatry. More selfishness. More hurt and pain. More of me.

And to be completely honest with you, it’s been a challenge for me to let go of more without an understanding of “why?”

I just keep questioning the need for the empty space inside of me, “Why does He need me to be so empty on the inside? Why does He need so much space? What’s your purpose in all of this God?”

Well two weeks ago He began to reveal some things to me… Things I never saw coming. The reason He emptied me of lies, manipulation, idol worship, fear and pain.

You see the new assignment He’s given me is a big responsibility. And so I guess I get it. I get why it was so important to stay focused on the path in front of me. I get why He said, “Don’t look to the right or to the left. Just follow Me. It will all make sense and come together in time. You’ll understand eventually.”

And so I just want to encourage you… Where ever you are in life… Where ever Holy Spirit might be leading you… Just keep following. Even when the process seems challenging, long-winded and misunderstood, He knows what He’s doing.

And what He’s doing will always create and promote the capacity for new life! 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

Are You Empty?

Over the years I’ve talked very openly about following the Holy Spirit, and how important it is to be led by Him regardless of what I’m feeling.

Now… Truthfully, following Him is a challenge. And just when I think I’ve got the hang of it, He takes a turn down a path I never saw coming.

And well, I guess I say it’s a challenge because allowing Him to lead my life opposes my human will. You see there’s a constant battle on the inside of me, one that requires me to choose His will for my life over my own.

Before this year began I would’ve told you I was very good at following the will of God because I thought that I had completely given all I had to Him. However, I’ve learned that as long as I’m full of myself and the ways of the world around me, I’m not completely sold out to the follow and the journey He has for me.

You see to completely follow the will of God for our lives means we have to become empty on the inside. Someone very wise once said, “If you have a glass filled with water, emptying the water doesn’t empty the glass. The glass actually becomes full of air. It’s only emptied of the unneeded.”

I find this statement very true. Because, I constantly find my life full of trash. I fill myself with too much social media, gossip and judgement the Spirit has clearly asked me to not be a part of. Instead, He’s asked that I stay empty. That I only fill myself with the things of Him. Because, in doing so, the follow is much easier. Life is much simpler. And my head and heart are a lot clearer to hear His voice and follow His plan for my life.

And I get it… It’s a challenge to live a lifestyle that promotes peace and the purposes of God; however, if we aren’t willing to empty ourselves to follow Him (even if it’s the smallest bit), are we truly cultivating a life?

Empty Spaces…

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The emotions of death are so real and raw….

It doesn’t matter where I am, who I’m with or what I’m doing… when I feel the emotions connected to death…. well… it just feels so direct…. so piercing and harsh….

Like today…. mom got a check in the mail… It was a reimbursement for dad’s radiation and chemo treatments….

He paid for them in advance…. in full….. to help save his life….

And…. well… obviously he didn’t use them… And I don’t know how I feel about that… the fact that dad didn’t use something that was going to help prolong his life here on earth with us…

He didn’t use it… he only had two chemo treatments and one radiation treatment… his body was already to weak to handle any manmade, life saving treatment…

So… it leaves me with the strange feeling on the inside… to know we received money back… but that it was money to save dad’s life…. I don’t like that we got it back…

I wish all of the treatments had been used because then…. then I would feel like it wasn’t wasted… that we all tried a little harder and put forth more effort in saving or prolonging his life…

Mom never thought he would make is past July…. but June 2 was too soon…. too soon for all of us… and honestly… honestly, I’m still struggling so much on the inside…

It’s painful… so painful… and I had a breakdown last night that helped me realize how much pain I’m truly in….

I realized all in one moment that my best friend and father have been removed from my life all in the same year… gone…

Everything’s changed…. it’s different… it’s not the same as it used to be…. I still have my best friend… but we don’t talk anymore and I didn’t realize how much I missed that and kind of needed it until last night… and then I was just hurting because I couldn’t call my dad either…

Two men I constantly relied on to be there are gone… I’ve opened a new chapter in life… I feel like a new person in so many ways… but then I have those moments when I miss the ones that where there and present in the past…. and I need them so much….

It’s painful… it sucks…. I want things to return to the way that they were… but I know in my heart that it’s best for them to continue to move forward in this direction… because this direction will lead me to what I want in life… a marriage and a family and hopefully so much more…

So in the midst of the pain and the lack men I had in my life… in the midst of feeling lonely and like I have no one to talk to anymore… no one to look out for me and really protect me… well in the midst of this, I’m trying my hardest to stay positive and live each day to the fullest…. because I believe when you’ve lost so much…. well you’ve got so much to gain… so much to fill in the missing spaces…

So…. I’ll keep living, learning and loving and waiting and watching for the empty spaces to be filled…