soul · Spirit

Pause… And Celebrate

IMG_3258Something I’m really bad about is celebrating the moment…. You know… The victories of life… Whether small or big, I feel like I spend too much time focused on getting “there”… And then when I do get “there”… Well I just move forward and think “ok… what’s next??!”…

And while I believe it’s good to live with a mindset of moving forward… On to bigger, better and maybe more amazing things… Well isn’t it important to stop and look down at the bottom of the mountain?…

A wise man told me once that life is like climbing a mountain… That it takes so much effort to get to the top… So much work… But that when we reach the top we should stop and look around… Look in amazement at the view… What it brings us and how far we’ve come… That we should be excited and proud (in a healthy way) that we’ve made the journey to the top…

And then of course I was encouraged to not stay at the top… But to allow life to drag me down the mountain in excitement… To feel the rush of the drop to the bottom… Because soon… Soon it would be time to climb another mountain again…

And I feel like… At this stage of my life… This chapter seems to have so many small mountains… Almost like little cliffs that I have to get past… And they seem like a lot in the moment… But then when I’m in them… Well I kind of feel experienced and like I’m acing them…

That’s why I am beginning to learn that it’s good to stop and take in what I’ve accomplished… For each jagged edge I’ve gone past…

And for me this is s tight rope to walk… To be proud without being insecure… Pride is one of my biggest downfalls… It always has been…

But when I feel the goodness and the gratefulness and the grace of life well up in me… When I realize that I didn’t get where I am today on my own… But that others… Many… Have contributed to my present… Well I just feel so overwhelmed…

And then I have to remind myself of all of the things that get us to the current moment… The people… The choices… The ability to obey authority… The want… And for me… Most importantly… I feel like it’s always been my relationship with God… And the choice to continue to follow him… Even when I am so very scared…

So within this moment… This moment where I am learning to be more graceful towards life… Well I just want to celebrate a little… Just enough to recognize how far I’ve come… And then to move forward to whatever is ahead… But with the confidence that there is a mountain with jagged edges in behind me… One that I conquered…

Mind · soul

Just Celebrate…

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There comes a time in the life of most… When you’re basically proud… Because you did something on your own… And I’ve lost 100 pounds on my own before… But this… This feeling I have right now… The feeling of being in an environment and working my way up… And doing well… That feeling of knowing that I did it on my own… That it was just me… Me and who I am and who I am becoming… Well it’s a good feeling…
And my entire life I feel like i’ve had everything spoon fed to me… That people… My family and some of my very close friends have done the work for me…
I’ll never forget the first time a good friend told me I was just riding their coat-tails and eating from a silver platter someone else prepared… It hurt… But it hurt because it was so true… And at the time I hated truth… Because the hazy fairy-tale I lived in was so much better… So rose-colored and full of beautiful lies…
But today… Well today I can look at my life and see that the distance i’ve come since moving to Cali… Well it’s been something i’ve done on my own… It’s been growth and forward movement that has happened because i’ve worked hard…
And this might sound prideful or pompous… but I feel like it’s healthy for me to look and see that I’ve done this on my own….
Because i’ve even had God coddle me at times… And take care of my every move… I’ve had him baby me and lead me a trail of bread crumbs to the buried treasure…
But this time it’s different… And I can sense the difference… And I guess it’s good… It’s good to realize that I can… Heck we all can do things that impress us…
And I’ve had this feeling before… It came after losing so much weight… But the one of actually figuring me out… Of actually moving forward without anyone knowing me, my family or anything I’ve ever done… Well it’s a good feeling….
Because nothing is attached to it… And I feel like my life is moving in such a positive direction….
Yes… Yes I still have hiccups that have to do with self-esteem and not loving me enough… the hiccups that cause me to want to hate myself in the moment… But then I am reminded how stupid it is to be at that place… How dumb it is to do those things… And then I find a way to love me again….
And I don’t know where all of this is taking me… But it sure is an amazing adventure called life….
Spirit

Pause and Enjoy

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Why do we struggle so hard to preserve life?… to hold onto moments… to create moments… to make sure we are living life a certain way?…
I keep finding myself here… at this question… and it’s a question because I keep hearing my grandmother way she is ready to die… that she wants to leave this place… but then I hear her say not to be afraid of her heart failure because you can live with it for years…
And so it’s strange to me… does she want to die?… or doesn’t she?… because a person that truly wants to die would be happy they’re in heart failure… right?…
But then I look at life… and I see that so many of us long to hold onto it… we prove in with our growth in social media and our ability to take a photo and post it as soon as possible… like it’s vital that we don’t let anything slip by….
And I guess that’s a part of leading me to where I am right now… just enjoying the moment I am in and living right here in the present…
Since I’ve moved to Cali I look at the scenery around me all the time… i stand in awe of the mountains on a daily, moment by moment basis… they just fascinate me… and when i came home for thanksgiving… I actually found myself stopping to watch leaves fall from trees… like it was something I’d never seen before…
And honestly I’ve never done that before… watched the leaves fall… or taken in the beauty of a sky with rain clouds… but I’ve learned so much living so far from home… and most of the things I’ve learned have been learned organically… no classroom… no professor… no schedule or time to be there… just simply the moment I am in has taught me… and everything within it as something to say….
And it just reminds me today… a day where I find myself sitting in bed… again… listening to the rain fall… that the rain… this sound I am so familiar with… well I won’t see it or hear it again for a while… when I leave for Cali tomorrow, the rain will take a hiatus from my life… and I will be back to sunshine…
But right now in this moment… it’s good to enjoy what’s here…. and here is good… and it’s warm and it’s relaxing… but most importantly… it’s a piece of life that I’ve taken advantage of before… and so it deserves to be respected and savored…