Parts Becoming Simple Pieces…

I had a conversation with my cousin yesterday… He’s about 7 years younger and just now starting to feel and realize that there’s a big world out there…In the midst of trying to help him manage his world… I said something that has actually given me perspective for my own life…

Which was… “As long as you’re happy, it shouldn’t matter what other people think. You have to live with yourself and love yourself. You’ll always be in your own life. Always. That’s something you cannot escape”…

And it’s true… As long as we live and breathe on this earth.. We will always simply be with ourselves…

I see my mom going through that now… She’s always had herself, but with the death of my dad… Well she’s starting to actually realize what it means to be with yourself… That we cannot escape us…

And I think being with ourselves… For all of life… Well I think it means a lot… Because we can ignore ourselves and never cultivate an authentic relationship…

And we also have the choice to believe what we choose to believe…

I’ve gone through times of growth that have caused me to question my beliefs… Times that have helped me grow… Times that have caused a shift…

But this moment in life… This moment that seems familiar, yet I can feel that it is foreign… Well it’s causing me to question my beliefs again…

Because somewhere a long the way I think I forgot that my belief system… Well it belongs to be… Like a bank account… It’s in my name… I sign on the dotted line…

And I’ve chosen to allow myself to only really accept truth from places I want to accept it from…

And within it has come this idolized belief system…

There’s seems to not be as much open mindedness anymore…

Just choosing to go with what I know will not fail me at the end of the day…

And maybe the reality is this has always been a part of who I am… I’ve just ignored it until now…

That I haven’t been awakened to this truth until now…

And though it feels foreign… As long as I just live life… Well I’ll always have just me… So it’s good to have this idolized part… But to allow the part to become a simple piece… Without all of the worship I’ve given it…

Break Up…

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There’s a place in my heart that still feels pain…

Most of the time the pain is faint…

I can barely feel it because of the abundance of life…

But then there are those moments… The moments when I am reminded of dad… And how much I just… Well how much I simple miss him…

And over the past few days I’ve kind of made a promise to myself to once again work on an area of my life that needs some type of adjustment… I’d like to call it the complaining zone…

I complain so much some times…

And when I think about complaining… Well it reminds me of all the times my dad would tell me to cut the whining and complaining out… Because it’s unattractive…

He would say, “Amanda, no one wants to listen to you whine and complain”… And I don’t know if my complaining is really all that bad… But it got under his skin… And now it is getting under mine…

So… I guess in the midst of being reminded of dad… And missing him some… Well I am grateful that he always pointed this out in me… Because… Right now… Well I am finally ready to move forward… And just stop… Stop allowing something that can be so soul sucking to remain a part of my lifestyle…

So.. I guess I’m breaking up with complaining…

Bye Fear…

IMG_4346It’s ok to feel afraid… Right?… To know that there’s so much in front of me… But then to not know the details… But I can certainly feel a lot ahead…

That’s where I am right now… Where I stand… In this area that encourages me to move forward and to pursue all that’s happening in the moment… But then I have these moments… These moments… Where I want to look back… To see the past for a second… But I know I shouldn’t look there at all… It’s not important anymore…

But then I feel afraid… Afraid of completely letting go and getting lost in it all… Because what if I completely love it?… What if I get so completely lost in where I am… Well that I forget?… That I forget about the life and lives I used to know and be a part of?….

And then God says that’s what he wants…. That’s exactly where I should be to move into the destiny and life he has for me…

And I know deep down that fear…Fear will keep me here… It will keep me disconnected from what I’ve been pursuing… And what I want so much…

So I guess I’m just going to throw it all aside… Throw fear to the wind and separate myself even more from where I was… Because hanging onto it all… Well it won’t get me anywhere…

Genuine Decisions 

It’s funny to me… How I’m so wired to think I’ll find where I’m supposed to be based on what I know…. Based on where I’ve been before…

For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to make connections with people…

And though I’ve had enough of church and the things that it’s taught me… Well I still try and make connections there… Because… Well because it’s the only outlet where I’m around a huge pool of potential friends…

And so when I found out I wouldn’t be able to attend a brunch again for the third week in a row… A brunch that I know will include people I don’t know and possible friends… A brunch that will also include scripture and Jesus talk… And the things I’ve just had enough of…

Well you’d think I’d be frustrated to know I wouldn’t be able to go… That once again I’d be missing out on the opportunity to make friends….

But I didn’t freak out at all… Instead I said, “sure. Sure I’ll miss it again and travel with the family I work for to San Fransico for the day”…

And I realized in that moment… That moment where I made a decision… I realized that once again God isn’t what he used to be in my life… He still continues to be what I see and what I learn and that I am able to give away…

I can’t seem to find him in Bible studies or church or conversations that include religion anymore…

Instead… I continue to find him in the beauty of the earth and everything that makes it wonderful and marvelous….

And then I see him in children that are growing and accepting love in an unloving environment…

And as much as I want to be disappointed that I didn’t get to go to a Bible study and meet a bunch of new people… Well I’m not…

I don’t know where or when friends will enter my life… I know I should make some living out here… So far away from everything and everyone… But my efforts are always shut out… And then I find myself choosing to do things that satisfy my soul… Things that bring me joy and peace…

And I don’t know where all of this is taking me… But honestly I’m so glad that I’ve chosen to be right where I am… Right here in this moment… Riding on a plane back from San Fransico… I’m glad I’ve chosen this over that… It’s made me so much fuller…

And I’m ok with that…

Value Found

2015/01/img_2107.jpgIt’s taken a moment… But I’m learning that as my self-worth grows… As I begin to value me more and more… Well I don’t put up with those who undervalue me anymore…

A year ago… Moving to the west coast… Starting a new life… A new job… Being around everything new… Well I was at a place where I didn’t appreciate me at all…

And during the first six months of being here I grew but my self-worth didn’t…

So standing in this place now… Being here and feeling like I’m undervalued in a place of work… Well I don’t know what to do with it…

I feel like I woke up one day and realized “oh, I’ve changed. And I’ve been weak. And I’ve allowed people to push me around long enough.”

And within this realization I begin to see how much I go out of my way because I want to… And then it’s never appreciated… And I don’t do things to be appreciated… But how far is too far?…

When do I begin to set limits and boundaries?… And how do I stay true to myself and make sure my value doesn’t get looked over?… And that I don’t look over it myself?…

Because I used to say things… But now I just do them… And I don’t complain… But I find myself frustrated with moments…

And then when I think about the fact of getting a raise at work… And what that means…

Well I realize that money doesn’t determine my value… That you can’t place a price on someone… That money won’t really change my intangible life in any way… Because I’m already at a place of happiness and contentment… A place of peace… So as nice as it is to receive something like that… Well it doesn’t really determine my value…

And I think this is a good place for me to be… In this moment… This week… To realize that an increase in pay isn’t going to change the way people I work for and with view me… That I’m still going to be undervalued… And that things aren’t going to change here…

But then the important thing is that I’ve changed for the better… That I finally value me… Me for just being me… No more no less… And that I finally see what others that value me have seen for so long… And that it’s good…

And I don’t know what drives a person to remove themselves from an environment where they’re not cared for and appreciated… But I do know that when God says “move”… When he says “it’s time to move forward and close this chapter of your life”… Well I’ll do it with a grateful heart… One that finally values and appreciates me more than ever before…

And more than anything I feel like I’ll finally move forward with more of me than I’ve ever had before…