Dethronement

I see a throne… It’s high and mighty… But I’m struggling with it’s dethronement. Why? Well because I like the kingdom of lies my imagination has cultivated inside of my head.

Actually, I’ve become so good at creating and buying false images that I sometimes get confused over what’s real and what’s false.

You see when I begin to feel really insecure, afraid or alone, I find myself desperately wanting to block those feelings. So, I use my imagination as a tool to place myself somewhere that makes me feel more comfortable than the present moment does. It’s like a place of refuge and security for me when life seems insecure and unknown. I find it comforting to create an untrue scenario that settles any shame, pain, fear or anxiety I feel. I create, and my reality seems to fade a way for a moment.

There’s a huge let down to telling myself lies though… Nothing I’ve told myself is real, but then I’ve created the story so many times that I begin to believe it’s real. And so my soul is trapped in a web of deception and manipulation.

So how do I get out? How do I become free from the mess I’ve created? Well, its taken time, but the Holy Spirit has revealed so much truth to me. He’s shown me that it’s really unhealthy to use our imaginations to create false worlds. He’s also shown me that I exalt my imagination higher than anything else in my life. But, I don’t see how much I worship and praise my imagination because I don’t see it’s true harm. My lies have blocked me from the truth.

However, the amount of disappointment I keep encountering in my life has kind of become a sign that’s helped me look deeper. It’s kind of caused me to start questioning God about a lot of things that I think and believe. I almost feel like I’m standing in front of a brick wall, but I can’t see the wall because I’ve painted a picture on top of it instead. And the picture is just too beautiful to be false. But then when I try to enter the image, I keep running into a wall of disappointment. I keep feeling hurt, let down and deceived. And so I now know that the wall cannot fall until I admit it’s a wall, not a fanatical image.

But, I do believe, on the other side of this wall is a path that will continue to lead me into the purposes and promises God’s intended for my life. And so, I’ve asked Holy Spirit to continue to help me remove the false images and the wall, one lie at a time. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

Kingdom of Lies

Lies… Deception… Manipulation… Layers upon layers rest upon my soul. And so my soul feels confused.

But then, my soul doesn’t want a fragment of falseness. My soul wants truth. My heart and spirit crave truth too. But then my mind fears the truth because the lies sound so good and feel so powerful and strong. The lies have been given so much weight and support with my thoughts and my words. I’ve helped cultivate this kingdom of lies.

But the fruit… It isn’t good. The fruit just causes more pain, heartache and disappointment. And even when I try to believe the pain is for a purpose, I find myself more manipulated and deceived than I was before. Constantly pacing in mental hell as I scream, “Why?!!!”

But I hear God. I hear Him clearly when He says, “Why would I lead you down a path of deception and manipulation? Why would I bring pain and confusion to your soul? I want you healthy and whole. So let go.”

And so… I let go. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

Land of Smoke and Mirrors…

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Hollywood… LA… California…

It’s truly a land of smoke and mirrors…

And I’ve heard that for quite some time… I’ve heard that this place…. As amazing as it can be… Well it is soul-sucking… Soul-sucking because it sells lies… It says one thing but does another…

And in so many ways… Well I’m conditioned for smoke and mirrors… For lies more so… But not for the type of lies I find myself surrounded by…

Religion taught me how to be fake… False… So far from truth… Something that looks and sounds appealing… But something that was as much a lie as it was truth… A double-edged sword…. To “fit-in” you had to “stand-out” for God… And it was good… But it was also a deadly enemy…

And now I stand confronted with this other false way of life… And it hasn’t consumed me in the way that religion did… It’s really just teaching me how stupid and pointless it is to care so much about things and people who are lying to me and the rest of the population that listen….

And in this land of smoke and mirrors… Where I want to believe so badly… Well I continue to find myself at this place of knowing that I can’t believe because reality is too clear to me…

The reality that all of these things… These things and lives that I’ve been taught to care about and obsess over… Well they will fade away very quickly… And I’ll be left with nothing more than that…

And so I think this is where I am divided… Because I am on this quest to discover the woman I want to be… And within that quest I hate what I see… But I buy into the lies… Which frustrates and aggravates me… I constantly think I should be a better protector of my mind and thoughts…

And I know what I see in my work environment… And I honestly don’t think it impacts me the way the rest of this land does… But I’m still annoyed…

Because to be the type of woman I want to be… The type that gives life… Well I need to protect my mind so much more than I am right now…

Which in this weird way is sad because it means giving up these cheap thoughts… Cheap ways of thinking… Cheap lifestyles that are created through social media and displayed in my mind as reality…

And I guess I feel like I am on a hilltop… A hilltop filled with precious trees and plants… More than I can really imagine… The hill and the produce are mine… They are in my name… I climbed a mountain to have them… For them to belong to me… And to be used accordingly… But then I see a few fake, deeply flawed pieces of fruit lying on the ground around… And I continue to bend over and pick them up… I continue to become distracted by these obstacles that appear to be amazing because they are popular…

But… Then they aren’t amazing… Because they don’t actually give me life… They can’t enhance my life or help me change my world for the good…

But… If I would just put them down… If I would just simply walk away from them… Well then I would be reminded that I am surrounded with truth… With life… With good things… Things that are more precious than silver or gold… That I’ve inherited and grown… Seeds that I was given as a child and chose to cultivate to great heights… So much so that they now produce fruit… Fruit that I should take and eat and give and feel satisfied with the life that I am enjoying…

And… These fake, deeply flawed pieces… Well they are smoke and mirrors… That prevent me from just living…