heart

Look for Him!

“You talk about God too much.”

It’s a statement I’ve heard a lot lately. And… If I’m 100% honest, it doesn’t bother me.

Why? Well because He’s very much a part of my life and my world… He’s sewn very deeply into the fabric of who I am.

So… So why wouldn’t I talk about Him. I mean… Most of us talk about things that are important to us right? 

We talk about our relationships, our kids, our jobs, our future aspirations… We talk about our current realities and how they ebb and flow.

So, it’s normal for me to discuss Him.

But now you might be thinking, “Okay, then show me where He’s ‘etched’ into your life?” And so I will.

I find Him… I find Him in EVERYTHING. I find Him when I sit and listen to friends and family talk. He’s there, showing the wide range of gifts and talents He’s deposited into each one of them. 

I find Him woven into moments that are dark, decrepit and unbearably difficult to handle. You know, the moments where you want to give up? Yeah, I find Him there ready and able to offer a strong, sturdy and secure branch to lean against.

You know where else I find Him? In moments that are completely still… Moments that are motionless. The ones that make you feel like, “Gosh, everything feels as it should be!” Yeah,  He’s right there.

However, I do believe my favorite place to find Him is that “place.” You know the “place” between where you are and where you’re trying to get too. The “place” that makes you acutely aware to look for every clue He might be leaving and how it might significantly connect to the current destination you’re seeking. Yeah, I love finding Him in all of those “places.” It’s just so pure… So divine… Almost like magic! 

So, before I leave you… Before I sign off and begin to get caught up in my reality of communing with and talking to God again… Let me leave you with this… Look for Him. Even if you don’t know Him, or only know a few things about Him. Become a seeker of life, beauty and grace. Open yourself up to the possibility that God might be WAY more than what He is to you in this present moment… I mean I believe He’s WAY more than He is to me in this present moment.

And then, then when you do discover Him in a new way. Lean into all of it. Become submerged in every ounce of goodness, fellowship and awe that you find! I know I will! 🌱 #cultivatelife

follow · keep moving forward

Hide-and-Seek

You know those days when you feel like everything’s an uphill climb? You know… the ones that make you feel like you’re never going to reach the destination?

Yeah, that’s how I’ve been for about three days now. And it’s not that it’s a depressing feeling. Because I definitely know what that feels like.. It’s more of a “Come on God! I’m ready! You told me to follow and follow and follow. And so I have. And then you told me to be ready and so I’ve prepared myself. So WHEN… WHEN is everything you’ve been speaking so highly of going to accumulate and come to fruition in my life? Because here I am. Ready and willing to be all you need me to be in the Kingdom.”

Yeah… That’s been me for three days… A constant reverberation to Him and myself about how ready I am.

But then I feel like He’s kind of playing hide-and-seek… Almost like there’s more to be discovered on this journey of being prepared… Almost like there’s a deeper revelation behind what I currently see.

And so I am intrigued. Actually I’m so intrigued that I’m willing to step out into the unknown more than ever before… And I don’t really feel fear or caution anymore. I just feel surrounded by pure peace, strength and love. It’s almost like He’s been calling me to this place for so long… And I thought this place would be a destination, but really it’s just the start of something bold and new and alive.

So… well, i’m fully willing to find Him in the midst of it all. Because I believe in this game of hide-and-seek I’m going to discover the most beautiful, yet authentic version of Jesus ever experienced.

Spirit

The Glass and the Bee…

I watched a bee on a window yesterday… He flew in circles trying to figure out why he couldn’t get beyond the piece of glass in front of him…

To me… Well he could see so much possiblity and opportunity behind the glass… But then an invisible wall kept preventing him from actually accessing it…

Watching him reminded me about how I feel… About how I feel about idols… About ideas and beliefs I’ve allowed to control my life… About how I stopped listening to what’s new and unfamiliar…

And that’s when I realized… There must be more there… More idols I don’t see… More beliefs and ideas holding me back…

And I do believe we don’t experience everything at once… That the revelation of truth is a process… Because well we have to process it…

But I’m learning that I’ve allowed myself to buy a lie… A lie that tells me I am still a very insecure person… And that lie has become an excuse…

Living in insecurities was something I did 6-7 years ago… And though I’ve grown and tossed most of them… There are a few I still hang on to.. And in the midst of hanging onto them… Well I’ve allowed myself to believe I’m an insecure person…

It’s rather exhausting… And I do feel like that bee I watched yesterday… With so much cabability and confidence he tired to fly through the glass… But then this clear object kept him from what he truly wanted…

And I believe this is where I need to have grace with myself… It would be easy to get angry and continue to try and break down what’s in front of me… Or I can have grace and move away from what I’ve allowed to stand in my way…

I can simply go around it…

Stop paying the thoughts and beliefs I have on insecurity any attention… And just go around them…

And in that… Well I believe I’ll be able to just live in pursuit of what’s on the other side of the glass…

Spirit

No Need to Seek…

Changing my mentality… Swapping it up… Coming to a place where God is my Father rather than my master… It hasn’t been hard…

It’s honestly been the simplest thing to accept…

Maybe it’s because I had an example in my own father to follow…

Maybe this truth was made simple enough for all to grasp…

Whatever the answer… It really doesn’t matter…

Because what does matter is the fact that my Father in Heaven doesn’t need to be sought after…

I’ve been taught my entire life to “seek” Him… But honestly, why seek when I am always confident in his presence and where abouts…

That would be like telling me to go look for my dad (when he was alive)… I always knew where to find him… Even if I had to pick up the phone and call him… I always had great security in the fact that he would answer…

And I always had great security in the fact that he would be home at the end of the day…

I never questioned that…

So why is it that I find pieces of this religious mindset telling me to “seek God?”…

It doesn’t make sense…

Now if we don’t believe we’re sons and daughters of God, then I get it… We more so believe we’re slaves… That we have to work for Him… That we have to gain His attention…

Our security in His character isn’t solid…

It’s like the sub contractors that worked for my dad… They called to find him… They literally would seek out his attention and time… Scheduling it into their days…

But as his daughter I never had to do that…

So, I guess I’m saying all of this because the Holy Spirit is revealing yet another part in my mind… A part that is skewed some… A part that believes I need to find my Heavenly Father…

And I might not act that way when I need Him… But I do know that I speak that way in conversation…

So now I feel as though I have a greater truth on the reality of who I am… A greater way to speak… A greater perspective of the life I am choosing to just live…

death · grief · soul

Fitting in With Self

img038

Life’s situations have a funny way of leading us to what we love…. of course that’s only if we’re open enough to let them.

In the midst of having a breakdown that led me to a breakthrough yesterday, I realized that I was depressed because I’m ready to leave. I’m actually not depressed with dad’s death, but with the idea that life is moving on without me and I’m sitting here in Shreveport.

Don’t get me wrong…. Shreveport is home and it will always be that… at least I think it will….. but I’m tired of being here and I can’t wait for Tuesday to be here so I can drive 30 hours back to Cali.

This past week I’ve been doing what I shouldn’t do, which is living in Cali from my mind…. and that hasn’t done much good. It’s just made me depressed and very irritated and a little bit mean to those I love.

So… now that I know why I feel depressed…. I think it’s important for me to recognize that I’m growing. I’m ready to move forward with whatever life decides to serve up next.

And… yes, I am scared of what life will serve next because it could be absolutely anything. Plus, I don’t know what I want in life at all. I do know certain things, but overall…. I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.

And where do we even get that phrase from anyway? Why do we all feel so much pressure to have answers to life… and a few plans if those answers don’t play out correctly? And why is there so much want to conform to a society that doesn’t even promise happiness anymore?

Sometimes… and I really should do it more often… but sometimes I’m grateful that I’m not married with kids because if I was, I’d probably miserable. I’d probably be annoyed with the fact that any money I have has to go towards bills and feeding children. And I’d be even more annoyed with the fact that my time would be consumed with fitting the social norms of business parties, kid parties and daily chores.

And don’t get me wrong, I want marriage and a family…. but I think I’m learning when I do have those things… well, fitting the social norm may not be what I want.

Because I’m so tried of the guidelines we’ve created and continue to follow. I’m so tired of thinking, “Another wedding. Another time to celebrate. Another time for my friends to throw a big, expensive party for their friends.” Because that’s genuinely what a wedding has become. It’s not so much about marriage anymore. It’s more about outdoing everyone else.

I mean, I hear more about weddings than marriage… and honestly, I’ve been subconsciously taught more about weddings than marriage. Funny that I’m so educated and well-versed on a subject that will last a day, but not on something that’s meant to last me until the day I die.

And I’m not in any way trying to bash weddings… I’m more or less giving my opinion… the way I see life through the pair of eyes I’ve been given.

And…. when I do get married one day, I might have a giant party for my peers. But right now, well right now that’s not what I want but people change…. and parties are fun. And I do like to be the center of attention when I can be.

But since weddings have caused me to think about society’s picture for humanity…. I think it’s best to take these thoughts and channel them towards life after the breakthrough I had last night.

So…. what if my life continues to play out differently than I ever imagined? And how will I continue to avoid all of these things we are supposed to check off life’s to do list? Also, is it more of a headache to try to not conform? I mean, we’ve made it pretty easy to conform today… all we have to do is have some type of electronic device in our hand and conversion should be pretty complete.

Then again, I guess I could just follow the man that helped create me. He never really cared too much about fitting in. Dad was more a “come as you are” kind of guy. He really didn’t care. He was going to live life comfortably without being comfortable. Basically…. he was comfortable in his own skin, but he was willing to try new things.

And I guess…. once again… I should strive to be a little bit more like my dad, fitting in with myself first and then letting the rest fall into place.