Dinning with Self-Pity

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I’ve gotta be honest with myself for a moment and admit the fact that I frequently dine with self-pity… really I do… and it’s beginning to drive me insane…

I read a quote that said, “self-pity is nothing less than an impulse to destroy yourself. And it says, ‘This is the way you were made. These are the facts of your situation. It’s bad. Worse than anybody else in the whole world. In fact, it’s so bad, it’s impossible to do anything about it. And therefore, you are free from any responsibility to clean it up. Nobody can blame you for anything.”

And after reading this… well I can’t really disagree… I actually completely agree… I’ve trained my mind to believe that my situation is bad… and at times… I believe it can’t change… and I want others to feel sorry for me and help clean it up…

In reality…. self-pity is just a liar…. and it’s stealing life from me when I dine with it…. I’m willingly allowing it to steal peace and joy from me…

And I know it sounds stupid… and I keep thinking… why would I logically do this?… But I’m learning it’s one more thing that’s being worked out of me… It’s one more thing that’s caused me to become spiritually, mentally and emotionally sick… It’s one more thing I want gone…

The fact that it’s been brought to my attention…. the fact that I am surrounded by it at work…. the fact that it’s in my family…. well it shows me that it’s time for this to go… it’s time to move something else that is toxic out of my life…

And I hate it… I hate that this is a part of who I am because it prevents me from truly valuing myself… I don’t know how to value me…

And that’s frustrating…. I don’t feel valued at all… and then I use self-pity to find value in moments when I feel like life is out to get me… And it’s sicking….

So once again…. I’m on a mission…. I feel like my mission continues to evolve… it continues to evolve as I find more things that need to be transformed inside of me…. I think I have it down… I thought working the drama out of me would be it… and then I come across something else… Something more to be on alert….

And I guess that’s ok… because I just want to live a life of peace and joy… And I want to find where I belong in life… but how can I truly find those things… the things that are of value…. the ones hidden deep inside of me…. how can I find them when drama, self-pity and probably a few others are in the way?

Well I can’t… so in an effort to uncover what’s valuable… I guess it’s time to stop dinning with self-pity and start finding reasons to like me….

Forgiveness from Babes

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Sometimes I wonder what it must’ve been like to be a child… to have to learn so many complex skills like taking, walking and reading… How did I do it? Why can’t I really remember it? I feel like they must’ve been an extremely complex tasks… one’s that would take real mental effort and focus today…

It also amazes me how malleable the mind of a child is…. That they can be hurt but forgive so quickly…. that I can share little things like forgiveness and love on such a basic level and they’re absorbed and understood…

The kids I nanny for are teaching me so much… constantly show me how important it is to ask for forgiveness when I am an attitude and it affects their mood… So many times they are having their own day…. they are in their own world… and then I allow my mood to change their world…

And then I find myself kind of explaining to them that I’m not mad at them at all… Just having a rough day or have a negative attitude… And it has nothing to do with them… They’ve done nothing but be them….

When this happens… I find myself explaining forgiveness to a five year old… It’s such a simple thing to do, and he forgives so willingly….

So why does it seem the older we get the more difficult it becomes to forgive and move forward? If you’re anything like me, we tend to overcomplicate the situation and hold on to things for no good reason at all… Which is ridiculous…

So it’s so nice and refreshing to see how well a five-year old can choose to forgive… He doesn’t even have to understand or know the whole situation… He just sees that I was wrong and would like him to forgive me so we can move past that moment and on to the next one…

And I think that’s so amazing… I wish we all had the innocence of a child int hat way… I know the majority of us get hurt at an early age and become effected by the world around us… But how amazing it is that in the midst of that hurt… the hurt we really don’t know or understand… that we can learn something as simple as forgiveness and love others in return….

I just love that and it causes me to be in aw… in aw of the little simple things that make life so beautiful… I only wish I could forgive like a child… to have a heart like a child… to just simply let it all go in that moment and move forward….

Maybe one day that can happen… but until then I’ll just continue to learn from the ones around me that are smaller, but seem to be much bigger than I…

Mutual Forgiveness

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I feel offended… I feel bitter…. Actually I know I’m bitter deep down… I’ve gone round and round about bitterness lately… But this… This is different…

I have a close friend I’m bitter with and all stories and hurt aside… Well it’s still this feeling like I’ve been wronged…

Since I left Dallas… Since I walked away from so much… Well so much has changed…. And my relationship… My relationship with God has changed…

I think I began to feel wronged by him as I began to discover and learn things about myself and my life… When he started showing me things that I didn’t really want to see because…. Well it was painful a year ago to look at those things…

And within the pain… Within the truth I was feeling I began to feel like a victim… Like someone was treating me wrong…

And I’ve had a victim mentality my whole life… So it’s not a surprise that when I felt pinned…. Pinned in a corner with so much pressure and stress… Well I decided to blame someone… And that someone was God….

For about 3 months I’ve known I needed to work through this with him… Because deep down I know our relationship is just so different with the feeling of bitterness I have towards him…

It’s a feeling that puts distance between us… And it causes me to forget the great relationship we’ve had… The time it took to develop the relationship… And the amount of closeness I valued so very much…

All of a sudden I realized I’ve been treating this relationship like it’s common…. Common and cheap… Like it was easily cultivated…

And none if that is true…

So when I began to think about these things today… When I began to realize truth… Before I had the opportunity to say I’m sorry and ask him to forgive me… For my good, close friend to forgive me… Well he spoke up first and asked if he could be vulnerable…

He asked if I would forgive him… And then as he began to explain details to me… Well it was more than I knew what to do or feel in the moment…

Because I felt guilty at first that I hadn’t said anything to him first, but then I felt aw…. Pure aw that God was asking me… Someone so small and insignificant to forgive him… And then I almost began to cry because I realized that’s how amazing and real he is…

He’s such a great friend…. He’s such an honorable and loving being…

Before this moment… I would’ve never imagined God would ask something like that because I know I’m the one that’s always lacking… Always messing up and making life complicated…

So this moment was special to me… And I want to take this moment to tell him in words… In writing… That I forgive him and that I’m so sorry for everything that happened a year ago… I’m sorry and I want to move forward now with grace….

A mutual grace between the two of us that can strength and mature this relationship….

And you know what… It’s something that I feel good about… Because it’s fresh and new…