faith · follow · glory

That’s Grotesque

Do you honestly want to know where I’ve been lately and what I’ve been doing?

I’ve been studying… No actually I’ve been deep sea diving for treasure… Treasure God’s been pulling my heart toward.

You know I haven’t wanted to pursue it though. For more than a month I was afraid to go “there,” because going “there” meant I’d have to follow the footsteps of the past. And those footsteps… well they’ve seemed very heavy and almost grotesque to step into.

But… Well I chose to cast my fear aside. I chose to cast it aside and obey God. And when I did He showed me that following the footsteps I was convinced I should follow wasn’t the best choice for me. He showed me that the footsteps would keep me bound to religious, boxed in, manmade ideals of the past. He showed me that His footsteps for me to follow are much freer, endless and boundless.

So… So I’ve been following them. I’ve been stepping into what He says is “simplistic, eternal and yet consistently patient.”

And I can’t really reveal the glory He’s given me yet; however, I do want to encourage you. I want to encourage you to examine your spiritual life… To look at it and really ask yourself who and what is calling the shots. Who and what is dictating your moves? Is it voices of those that have gone before you? Is it words that might be mistranslated and skewed for a time and place? Or is it just Holy Spirit?… You know that inner voice or nudge we all hear/feel to some degree… The one that leads us to higher levels of freedom and love through Jesus Christ. The one that I believe we’re all destined to connect to because He allows us to cultivate life to the best of our ability.

And then… Then when you answer these questions,  please be encouraged to step out. To leave the past, religion and all other voices aside. Because His lead is the best lead we’ll ever encounter. 🌱 #cultivatelife

capacity · challenge · complain · develop · faith · fear · freedom · isolation · refine · relationship · surrender

The Isolated Life

Isolation. Oh gosh, I hate isolation. Actually, I hate the initial feeling of isolation. Have you ever felt it before? It’s this blatant reality that no one completely gets you, who you are or what you’re going through. And it’s deeper than feeling alone because when we’re isolated we aren’t actually “alone”.

You see… When we meet Jesus and begin to follow Holy Spirit, we jump onto an unpaved path scored with separation. It’s just this raw understanding that no one and nothing will understand us the way He does. I mean… There’s just so much intimacy born inside of the truth that no one will ever fully get me. Because, to get me, well… You’d have to be inside of my head and my heart. And I only know one dude that can fully and completely do that… God.

But you see, real, true freedom is the reality that our old self is dead, and now we are only surrounded and protected by God’s Holy Spirit. Jesus cut and will continue to cut us free from all darkness, sickness, disease, bondage and brokenness that we’ve ever experienced. And as He cuts us free, we begin to become more and more separated from who we used to be and what we used to know.

But the freedom… The feeling of living without darkness, decay and death, it’s just so… So good. It’s so good that we MUST embrace the unpaved path of isolation or we will become bound by insecurity and fear of the unknown.

And the isolation isn’t always so raw. As we develop, mature and grow in our relationship with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit we become really chill with being free. It becomes second nature to just sit with Him and be.

And I don’t know if you’re fully grasping where I’m coming from. You see I spend so much time in the undistracted presence of God that He’s captivated my whole heart. And in taking my entire heart I’ve been emptied of all the chaos and calamity that go on in my mind and heart and in our world. So much emptiness has happened that I’m truly free. And it’s the best feeling… A feeling I hope everyone I encounter will experience and receive. 🌱 #cultivatelife #justlive

freedom · just live

Free

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I still don’t know how I feel… kind of in shock. Maybe it’ll hit me in 2 weeks when I’m back in Cali and need to pick up the phone and call dad… and then he won’t answer or I’ll realize it all at once.

I think it’s weird for me to think this is happening to my family too. I’m used to hearing about tragic news coming from the home of someone else, and feels sad for them… hoping for the best and trying my best to sympathize… But this, well this is different.

It’s personal and real. People are praying for our family and we are in their thoughts… that just doesn’t seem real. It doesn’t seem real to be in this much pain and need the support of others. I think I might be in denial. I don’t really know.

Should I be sad? Should I feel depressed? I have an attitude that says “I’m moving forward.” But I don’t know if that’s good or not. Is that even healthy?

Regardless, I know times are going to be hard and challenging. But… what’s ahead? What’s in store for me and my future? I’ve been thinking about that for the last few days. And it makes me sad because I could talk to dad about it all. We are so much a like and so he understood me when no one else did.

I just find myself questioning so much…. What will my next move be? Will it be more exciting and fun than the life I’m living in Cali now? And will I ever find something I’m good at? I struggle with that so much… not having anything I’m good at. It hurts me sometimes… I just want something. Something I can call mine and just be a part of… Even if I’m just a part of my own life. I struggle with being a part of my own life too…

With so much social media connection it’s so easy to get tangled up in the lives of others. It’s so easy to be so connected to others, yet so disconnected to self. And I think that’s where I’ve been lately. So connected to this situation and everyone that surrounds it. Watching the emotions of my mother, sister and grandparents. Making sure everyone is ok….

And in the midst I haven’t been thinking about me at all… but when I do I get scared.. Afraid of what’s next. Honestly, I have no clue at all. But that’s what if has been for me- a giant mystery, a puzzle for me to put together. I always think I have the pieces in the right place, but then realize they have to be flipped and turned different ways to fit the way they were designed.

I never thought dad wold die so young. Ever. So I feel like anything could happen. Absolutely anything. I’m not bound to the little city of Shreveport or the south or a marriage. I’m not weighed down with debit, a job or kids… and honestly, as great as that sounds to be so free… well it’s scary too because anything can happen in my life.

I used to think picking up and moving to BAMA was a big deal for me.. but after Cali… well I could fine myself living allover the US. I could find myself doing anything just for the curiosity of it all.

But tonight I keep wondering… Is freedom worth it? Or do I want to be in a small town, living like everyone else? Do I want to discover what I’m good at in Cali? Do I want to create dreams off of what I love and I’m good at? Because right now I want a family, but I want to live and travel and enjoy life.

So many thoughts and feelings swarm my mind… and I know my dad would just tell me to be happy. He always just wanted me to be happy… so I guess, as long as I can feel happiness surrounding me, well I’ll stay exactly where I am. Because I’m learning that it’s so much better to live a simple life and be happy versus being tied down to a job or marriage and hating life, wanting out so I could be free.

And right now, I am so free.