Keep Following

When God gave me Cultivate Life 10 years ago He told me it would be a “challenge” to “keep moving forward,” but that the challenge would always produce more LIFE.

I believe my constant desire for more life is why I always chose the challenge. I want my world to become a flourishing paradise… One that springs forth with more life, love, peace and joy than one can imagine.

However, sometimes choosing to take on the challenge He presents me with isn’t what I want to do because I know it’s going to ask so much of my free-will.

You see I’ve learned that following Holy Spirit is pretty simple, the only real hang up is whether I will obey or not. Will I keep choosing to let go of my free-will and selfish intent in order to follow His will?

And I don’t know if you’ve experienced this before… We do live in a society that practically makes decisions for us; however, I do hope (if you’re reading this) that you’ll be encouraged to use your free-will to step away from society so that you may have a fuller life! I also hope that you’re always encouraged to take on the challenges Holy Spirit places in front of you.

And, if you don’t know how to follow Him, I hope He begins to open up a world of following to you… One that’s full of life, relationship, mystery and anticipation. And I hope, in this following, you take on every challenge, discovering greater ways to live and love than you ever imagined! 🌴 #cultivatelife #justlive

Intentional

Freedom through Christ… It’s an interesting concept to ponder… But it’s an even more interesting concept to experience and fully live.

You see I’ve come to a place in life where I feel very liberated: spirit, soul and body. I feel like God has made me whole and set me free of so much oppression and spiritual sickness, death and disease.

However, now I’m beginning to wonder, “How does one sustain and maintain his or her freedom? How am I supposed to move forward in the Kingdom of God… especially when it’s a constant unknown?

And I don’t know if I’m making complete sense; however, what I mean to say is… How does a free person stay free from the things that once bound him or her, but then cultivate life on top of that freedom?

And I don’t have an answer in this moment… I am truly seeking one with all of my heart. However, I am beginning to wonder if it’s time to become more intentional with the Holy Spirit and the things of God. Because I believe we can come to a place in our relationship with Him where we can converse with Him in such a detailed way… An intentionally detailed way.

Alone and Lied To…

Since the age of 6, I’ve struggled with one core thing…

The fear of being alone…

Deep within the core of me, I began to believe a lie… And that lie told me, “Because of the weight I continued to gain, I would never be enough… I would never be pretty enough… I would never be small enough… I would never be desirable in any way”…

And I believed this lie of my soul… I believed it for 21 years of my life…

And the lie took on mutiple forms…

For at least 13 years I hid behind a veil of physical weight, scared of life outside of the shell…

And then the shell started to break, I lost the weight and gained confidence in the body I worked so hard to cultivate…

But then, well there still wasn’t rest in my soul…

Because I still felt like I’d always be alone and unwanted…

And it didn’t matter what my family, friends, mentors and even the Holy Spirit himself told me… Because I believed this one lie…

And so, the lie encouraged a binge eating disorder inside of me… I would binge on sweets when I felt out of control, alone and undesirable…

It was a constant, brutal cycle to my spirit, soul and body for 10 years… And I was afraid it would never leave…

But then… Then something happened… Because God, He took my situation… He took the children that I nannied and taught be about His love for me… He taught me how to love them unconditionally… Even when they might’ve hurt me… Even when they had a hard time… I loved them…

And then, after He taught me how to love them, Father God showed me how much He loves me…

Over the course of 10 months in Los Angeles… A time where I believed I was doing nothing at all, He was working within me…

Not the Holy Spirit… Not Jesus… But Father God Himself…

It’s like He came down and spent time with me everyday… Showing me how valuable I am to His heart, and that there’s no reason to allow my circumstances to cause me to feel alone… That there’s no reason to binge on sweets to feel a void in my heart… A void that only He could and can fill…

Because, as much as I’ve want to be married and have a family, I now believe gaining those things wouldn’t have filled the void I felt in my heart…

Because that void could and will always only be filled by Him and Him alone…

And so, I hope, this story… This piece of my story and who I am will encourage anyone that fills alone to seek out the very heart of Father God… Because, when we are filled to the brim with His love, from His heart… Well the realness of being alone, it completely falls away…

Free

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I still don’t know how I feel… kind of in shock. Maybe it’ll hit me in 2 weeks when I’m back in Cali and need to pick up the phone and call dad… and then he won’t answer or I’ll realize it all at once.

I think it’s weird for me to think this is happening to my family too. I’m used to hearing about tragic news coming from the home of someone else, and feels sad for them… hoping for the best and trying my best to sympathize… But this, well this is different.

It’s personal and real. People are praying for our family and we are in their thoughts… that just doesn’t seem real. It doesn’t seem real to be in this much pain and need the support of others. I think I might be in denial. I don’t really know.

Should I be sad? Should I feel depressed? I have an attitude that says “I’m moving forward.” But I don’t know if that’s good or not. Is that even healthy?

Regardless, I know times are going to be hard and challenging. But… what’s ahead? What’s in store for me and my future? I’ve been thinking about that for the last few days. And it makes me sad because I could talk to dad about it all. We are so much a like and so he understood me when no one else did.

I just find myself questioning so much…. What will my next move be? Will it be more exciting and fun than the life I’m living in Cali now? And will I ever find something I’m good at? I struggle with that so much… not having anything I’m good at. It hurts me sometimes… I just want something. Something I can call mine and just be a part of… Even if I’m just a part of my own life. I struggle with being a part of my own life too…

With so much social media connection it’s so easy to get tangled up in the lives of others. It’s so easy to be so connected to others, yet so disconnected to self. And I think that’s where I’ve been lately. So connected to this situation and everyone that surrounds it. Watching the emotions of my mother, sister and grandparents. Making sure everyone is ok….

And in the midst I haven’t been thinking about me at all… but when I do I get scared.. Afraid of what’s next. Honestly, I have no clue at all. But that’s what if has been for me- a giant mystery, a puzzle for me to put together. I always think I have the pieces in the right place, but then realize they have to be flipped and turned different ways to fit the way they were designed.

I never thought dad wold die so young. Ever. So I feel like anything could happen. Absolutely anything. I’m not bound to the little city of Shreveport or the south or a marriage. I’m not weighed down with debit, a job or kids… and honestly, as great as that sounds to be so free… well it’s scary too because anything can happen in my life.

I used to think picking up and moving to BAMA was a big deal for me.. but after Cali… well I could fine myself living allover the US. I could find myself doing anything just for the curiosity of it all.

But tonight I keep wondering… Is freedom worth it? Or do I want to be in a small town, living like everyone else? Do I want to discover what I’m good at in Cali? Do I want to create dreams off of what I love and I’m good at? Because right now I want a family, but I want to live and travel and enjoy life.

So many thoughts and feelings swarm my mind… and I know my dad would just tell me to be happy. He always just wanted me to be happy… so I guess, as long as I can feel happiness surrounding me, well I’ll stay exactly where I am. Because I’m learning that it’s so much better to live a simple life and be happy versus being tied down to a job or marriage and hating life, wanting out so I could be free.

And right now, I am so free.