death · heart · love of god · power


I walked 16.8 miles last Wednesday, June 2. At the top of my walk, I stumbled on a bed of pink peonies and my heart was immediately elated. I squealed with excitement and joy when I saw them because they are my favorite flower. Everything about them is absolutely lovely. And so, I decided to pick one… But then one didn’t seem like enough, so I picked four more. Of course, I knew I would be walking at least 14 miles, so it seemed silly to pick them. But I didn’t care. I wanted to carry them. I wanted to hold them close to my heart. They were a gift. A gift I knew Father God led me to in a moment when I needed it the most.

Now June 2 is unique to me because it’s the day my life changed forever… It’s the day I lost my dad, but it’s also the day I was thrust into a life of deeper intimacy with God.

You see I had to learn how to rely on Him more than ever before. I had to learn how to be a good receiver of His unconditional love and grace.

And though it was somewhat challenging at first, I’ve learned that it’s far greater to receive than to give. Yes, giving is vital; however, how can we give if we haven’t received from God first? I mean, isn’t the entire gospel a gift within itself for mankind? Something we could never actually afford, but must humbly and graciously receive.

And so, you see, my entire life and relationship with Father God is based around me being a good receiver of Christ first and foremost. Receiving the truth that my entire self: spirit, soul, heart and body was (and in some places still is) languishing, broken and dead until I receive/received the fullness of Christ on a trans-dimensional level. Receiving the truth that my human spirit is now alive, active and capable of kicking ass because she’s been given power, dominion and authority to rule and reign over the heavens and the earth. Receiving the truth that my entire being will forever be in a place of refinement, development, maturity and growth as I cultivate life with Holy Spirit leading me.

And you know, I love that. I love that God, in His absolute nature, is good. So good that He eternally gives just hoping we will eventually receive. 

Because, when we do… When we finally receive enough of Him to refine, restore and redeem all of our brokenness and death, then we can do like I did at the end of my 16.8-mile walk… I tossed my flowers into the Hudson River. I let go of them with the understanding that they had fulfilled their purpose, and now needed to be freely given for someone/something else to freely receive. 🌱

complain · selflessness · teamwork · will of God

Give to Gain


Why do we complain so much? Why do we willingly choose to be irritated and annoyed when life doesn’t go are way or when… God forbid… We’re “put out.”

Since living in Cali I’ve been working on my selfishness and quite honestly it’s helped me realize how entitled I actually am.

My entitlement has come from several different things, but overall… I believe Americans are entitled. We think we deserve so much and we love the ideas of life and luxury… Of relaxation.

I say all of this because I’m sitting at the spa right now. No, I’m not here for myself. I’m here with the 12 year old girl I nanny for… It’s her birthday and so a 5 hour… Yes 5 hour spa day was part of her gift.

So I sit and wait…. And people keep saying, “I’m so sorry you have to sit and wait.”

But honestly, this is my job and I’m tired of hearing how obnoxious and annoying it must be to sit here and wait.

I mean, what else would I be doing? And I’m in a spa on a Saturday for goodness sake…. But I think that’s part of the American mindset… Constantly thinking of ourselves… Putting self over others…. Wanting everything to work out smoothly in our little world.

But honestly, that’s selfish. It would be selfish and very entitled of me to sit here and complain because I have to wait on another. It’s not like I’m bleeding or dying.

I think that’s something death has taught me. My dad had a reason to complain. He was in pain and he was bleeding and dying. But he wasn’t complaining. He was just living.

And now I get super annoyed with myself and others when I hear whining over petty little things. Over getting paid to sit and watch children or getting called into work and no one being there…. It’s ok people.

Life goes on and honestly, I believe, we should look more into serving others and giving to others than to ourselves. It’s not about us.

And maybe I’m maturing and maybe I’m wrong in all of this….. But I just wish we would all strive a little more to think outside of ourselves for once.

When I took this job, as a nanny, I knew it would teach me a lot and help me out of situations I was in…. However, I didn’t see myself wanting to help, serve and give to others at the capacity that I am now.

I never saw that in helping me, I would be taking me out of the equation….

But in a way, isn’t that a goal of life?

That we all work together for a common goal so that we can see others changed? So that the world becomes a little bit brighter with what we choose to leave behind?

If so, I hope I’m doing just that…. Leaving the light from the inside of me behind… Letting it touch the hearts and souls of those around me so they can become a little brighter too…. Sharing my wealth…

Because at the end of this day, the smile on the birthday girl’s face will say it all. Her happiness and knowledge that I truly care will make her world a little brighter…. Which in return will make my life a little brighter…. And I’m ok with that.